[That definitely counted as dunking yourself, Dave.
But it does stand justifiable to continue down that path of thinking. Not the part where Ryuji thoroughly believes that he's the only one allowed to torment Dave like that (he bumps up a little against him to remind him on that point), but the acceptance that it doesn't have to be a fixed end point. If there's another Dave out that that gets to do the things that he doesn't, it isn't intrinsically true that whatever this Dave does is meaningless or any less fruitful. If there were millions of universes where either copies of them existed, hell, even a Ryuji living in Tokyo right now with a fixed family, or some sort of semblance of what constitutes a much better life, that's that Ryuji's prerogative. And, given the chance to know about the existence of that Ryuji, maybe he'd feel a little jealousy over it, but, shit. He's not about to let it ruin the experiences he's had. The friends he's made along the way. The insistence of the way he feels, right here and now, sitting as he drifts along in a lonely void of space next to Dave.
Hopelessly hopeful, or whatever that looks like... it's not invalid. He's always believed that freedom has its own form of vividly beautiful aesthetic; it's something he's said over and over again to just about everyone he's met. Do what you want to in life, don't hold back. That dumb, optimistic, punk kind of attitude.]
I dunno. Bein' with people you like and sharing time together is kinda worth all the sorts of trouble it takes gettin' there. Took me a pretty damn long time to figure that out.
[They're both pretty self-sacrificing people. Ryuji isn't so far removed from the reality of that to not accept it. If he knows how far he'd go for his friends, he has an idea of what Dave would do, too. It's respectable.
And, yeah, fuck it.
Under the blanket, he reaches out and wraps an arm around his shoulder, squeezing and smiling. It's been killing him to not do it.]
[if Dave and Ryuji hadn't pretty much immediately gotten into a physical thumb war altercation the second they first met, and if Ryuji had not placed an affable hand on his shoulder after holding a somber service for their fallen burrito comrade, then Dave might be reacting a lot differently to the contact now.]
[and, well — okay, this sort of has a lot of different connotations along with the usual ones, and yeah, he can't help tensing for a split second because of that.]
[this is ... okay, right? he thinks it might be okay. it somehow feels like this is really, officially, unwinding every single idea he'd ever had about himself, the way he thought he was, the way he thought he's supposed to be, and for that same split second it also feels like he can't breathe. just when he thought he had everything about himself, about his own place in the universe, figured out, Ryuji goes and turns it all on its side, and now he has no idea what to do about anything. like, suddenly, the last thing he wants to do is just accept what he's supposed to as a byproduct of a doomed timeline.]
[wait, shit — he just leaned in closer without realizing, didn't he? turns out while Dave's brain was panicking about whether this was really okay, the rest of him went ahead and decided that it was — it was something he desperately wanted, in fact. hearts, right.]
[there really is no keeping Ryuji at an arm's length, as it turns out. he'll be trying to sort out when he even made that decision for a while. also, try breathing, Dave. let's not have a repeat of last month.]
You're right — both those things you just said, I mean. [he'll be sorting out how entirely lame he is later, too.]
[At first, the tensing up doesn't go unnoticed and he starts to think that maybe he's overdoing it? Pushing too much, or something, because really. A guy that wears shades all the time to hide a part of his face doesn't exactly scream the mantra of "hey, I like to be touched." Which is pretty contrasting to Ryuji's open personality, constantly looking to hang off of people like a monkey from a tree.
But then again, Ryuji also doesn't think that Dave is just people, either. He knows it's true because he can almost feel his heart in his throat as he does it, and he's half expecting him to shy away after tensing. It's when he doesn't that catches Ryuji by a modest level of surprise, only deepened when he swears he can feel Dave coming closer- and he can't really tell if it's just him making it happen, or it's naturally occurring.
He's never had a problem being brave before. Why does it kick in now, when they're having a good conversation, when Dave's just peeled back a few layers of the onion exterior? Oh, right. Because Ryuji is crushing on him. That's a thing. He's so worried that he's going to misstep here that he denies himself thinking that he could do anything right when it came to romantic interest. Which is dumb. He's dumb.
It also doesn't stop him from wanting it so intensely that it lingers probably a second longer than it ought to. Putting this on instant replay, it's obvious what's going on here, but it's too in the weeds to notice it outright. Maybe if he had his way, they could always be like this. Maybe Dave could lean up against him, and Ryuji could hold him and rest his face against his hair and---
God.
Butterflies in his chest isn't the right metaphor. It's practically a fucking facehugger clawing its way straight out of him. This is cool. It's cool. He's admitted to owning these feelings, internally. Slowly, his hand unwinds its way around his shoulder, and it's so horribly idiotic how blind they are to what each of them are doing to each other.]
Damn. [To a lot of things, right now, honestly-] Feels kinda nice hearing that. Tell me that more often, yeah? I'm right. Got a nice ring to it.
[it almost feels like Ryuji had him in some sort of sleeper hold there, that if he had held on to Dave a little longer, he could have actually fallen asleep and Ryuji would have gotten the scenario he had been imagining. it is getting late, and they have been listening to music for a while. it doesn't ... really seem like he's overstayed his welcome, though, if he's reading the room right?]
[but he blinks, sitting himself up straighter, as if he isn't really sure what just happened, or can't really fathom it. he's getting a bit tired, but it doesn't really matter, because he's going to be up the entire simulated night trying to sort out what happened anyway — or rather, how he actually feels about it. just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, racing from one explanation or feeling to the next.]
[but then, Ryuji goes and says that, and Dave, smirking in that low-key way that he does, just can't help himself.]
Yeah, okay.
[there's a pause, there, conveniently punctuated by the equally short pause in between songs.]
[Adding to the incredibly long list of powers that Dave already has, each one more discrete and situationally useful than the last, he's definitely read the mood right. He can stay as long as he wants or as little as he wants, because Ryuji's chill with whatever. If "whatever" means secretly being here as long as possible, of course. Maybe he should be more honest with his preferences, but that's at least, what? Two more weeks away? Hmmm...
But maybe some recharge time is needed to separate out, to second and third guess the thoughts that are eventually going to compile in compounding order, and he won't be able to sit still again. Probably end up going for a walk, or hitting up someone's smartwatch to bug them. Sleep sounds nice but it also sounds like it'll be something near impossible to do when he thinks about this entire thing. What was it about apples and temptation, anyway?]
Asshole.
[He breathes it low, knowing full well that Dave is going to hear him say it. How to tell when Ryuji's fond of you? He curses at you without the grit behind his throaty loudness. There's an entire checklist of other things that are also pretty obvious at this point, or at least, in retrospect.]
I'm always right. [Except the times he's not, and he knows that. He knows that Dave knows that, too. Still, it's fun enough to tease and see where it goes.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But it does stand justifiable to continue down that path of thinking. Not the part where Ryuji thoroughly believes that he's the only one allowed to torment Dave like that (he bumps up a little against him to remind him on that point), but the acceptance that it doesn't have to be a fixed end point. If there's another Dave out that that gets to do the things that he doesn't, it isn't intrinsically true that whatever this Dave does is meaningless or any less fruitful. If there were millions of universes where either copies of them existed, hell, even a Ryuji living in Tokyo right now with a fixed family, or some sort of semblance of what constitutes a much better life, that's that Ryuji's prerogative. And, given the chance to know about the existence of that Ryuji, maybe he'd feel a little jealousy over it, but, shit. He's not about to let it ruin the experiences he's had. The friends he's made along the way. The insistence of the way he feels, right here and now, sitting as he drifts along in a lonely void of space next to Dave.
Hopelessly hopeful, or whatever that looks like... it's not invalid. He's always believed that freedom has its own form of vividly beautiful aesthetic; it's something he's said over and over again to just about everyone he's met. Do what you want to in life, don't hold back. That dumb, optimistic, punk kind of attitude.]
I dunno. Bein' with people you like and sharing time together is kinda worth all the sorts of trouble it takes gettin' there. Took me a pretty damn long time to figure that out.
[They're both pretty self-sacrificing people. Ryuji isn't so far removed from the reality of that to not accept it. If he knows how far he'd go for his friends, he has an idea of what Dave would do, too. It's respectable.
And, yeah, fuck it.
Under the blanket, he reaches out and wraps an arm around his shoulder, squeezing and smiling. It's been killing him to not do it.]
True. You do have the sickest flows.
no subject
[and, well — okay, this sort of has a lot of different connotations along with the usual ones, and yeah, he can't help tensing for a split second because of that.]
[this is ... okay, right? he thinks it might be okay. it somehow feels like this is really, officially, unwinding every single idea he'd ever had about himself, the way he thought he was, the way he thought he's supposed to be, and for that same split second it also feels like he can't breathe. just when he thought he had everything about himself, about his own place in the universe, figured out, Ryuji goes and turns it all on its side, and now he has no idea what to do about anything. like, suddenly, the last thing he wants to do is just accept what he's supposed to as a byproduct of a doomed timeline.]
[wait, shit — he just leaned in closer without realizing, didn't he? turns out while Dave's brain was panicking about whether this was really okay, the rest of him went ahead and decided that it was — it was something he desperately wanted, in fact. hearts, right.]
[there really is no keeping Ryuji at an arm's length, as it turns out. he'll be trying to sort out when he even made that decision for a while. also, try breathing, Dave. let's not have a repeat of last month.]
You're right — both those things you just said, I mean. [he'll be sorting out how entirely lame he is later, too.]
no subject
But then again, Ryuji also doesn't think that Dave is just people, either. He knows it's true because he can almost feel his heart in his throat as he does it, and he's half expecting him to shy away after tensing. It's when he doesn't that catches Ryuji by a modest level of surprise, only deepened when he swears he can feel Dave coming closer- and he can't really tell if it's just him making it happen, or it's naturally occurring.
He's never had a problem being brave before. Why does it kick in now, when they're having a good conversation, when Dave's just peeled back a few layers of the onion exterior? Oh, right. Because Ryuji is crushing on him. That's a thing. He's so worried that he's going to misstep here that he denies himself thinking that he could do anything right when it came to romantic interest. Which is dumb. He's dumb.
It also doesn't stop him from wanting it so intensely that it lingers probably a second longer than it ought to. Putting this on instant replay, it's obvious what's going on here, but it's too in the weeds to notice it outright. Maybe if he had his way, they could always be like this. Maybe Dave could lean up against him, and Ryuji could hold him and rest his face against his hair and---
God.
Butterflies in his chest isn't the right metaphor. It's practically a fucking facehugger clawing its way straight out of him. This is cool. It's cool. He's admitted to owning these feelings, internally. Slowly, his hand unwinds its way around his shoulder, and it's so horribly idiotic how blind they are to what each of them are doing to each other.]
Damn. [To a lot of things, right now, honestly-] Feels kinda nice hearing that. Tell me that more often, yeah? I'm right. Got a nice ring to it.
no subject
[but he blinks, sitting himself up straighter, as if he isn't really sure what just happened, or can't really fathom it. he's getting a bit tired, but it doesn't really matter, because he's going to be up the entire simulated night trying to sort out what happened anyway — or rather, how he actually feels about it. just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, racing from one explanation or feeling to the next.]
[but then, Ryuji goes and says that, and Dave, smirking in that low-key way that he does, just can't help himself.]
Yeah, okay.
[there's a pause, there, conveniently punctuated by the equally short pause in between songs.]
You've gotta actually keep being right, though.
no subject
But maybe some recharge time is needed to separate out, to second and third guess the thoughts that are eventually going to compile in compounding order, and he won't be able to sit still again. Probably end up going for a walk, or hitting up someone's smartwatch to bug them. Sleep sounds nice but it also sounds like it'll be something near impossible to do when he thinks about this entire thing. What was it about apples and temptation, anyway?]
Asshole.
[He breathes it low, knowing full well that Dave is going to hear him say it. How to tell when Ryuji's fond of you? He curses at you without the grit behind his throaty loudness. There's an entire checklist of other things that are also pretty obvious at this point, or at least, in retrospect.]
I'm always right. [Except the times he's not, and he knows that. He knows that Dave knows that, too. Still, it's fun enough to tease and see where it goes.]