[For most of his life, he's been compared to two members of the animal kingdom: monkeys and dogs. Both of them were pretty obvious connotations, to be fair (a hybrid of the two might lead one to believe he was a do...nkey.... or, an ass), given how much excitability and unrest he had coupled with his intense loyalty. And, really, Ryuji would be pretty pissed off if there was a third mixed into that chimera, but cats come to mind. When cats are ready to die and they know it, they go off alone to do it in peace and try to hide away from the rest of the world. And here he was, up in the observation deck, leaning up against a console and counting down the hours until it was going to be over.
He thought it would come, and then what? Somewhere, somehow, his spirit linked to another body of the same material and experiences up until the last two weeks would live on in his stead, and that guy would have a lot better time of making it through this. It just sucked, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
And the whole process of it happening... he's seen it in movies, read about it in manga, shit- seen it on TV when it happened to Haru's dad, it's always so dramatic, or has such meaning behind it that changes the course of events for someone else. He had told Haru that he remembered some sort of comment that when people pass, there are actually two deaths that occur; one when it physically happens, and once more, when the last person to remember you existed dies. And then there's a chain reaction from there, spiraling outward. Kind of morbid to think that this would be both in one fell swoop. His account ended here.
But there's no real pain or expressive remorse that comes along with it, Ryuji just... sort of drifts off asleep. It'll be impossible for him to remember what his last thoughts are, and maybe it doesn't really matter, because... some time later, his eyes open again, and.
Wait.
What?
He can feel his teeth closing when he tightens his jaw, see his fingers returned to their normal color- and his arm is fine. Gives it a movement to see if it still actually works. Ryuji's pretty often a confused person as he goes through life, but this is strange. The memories are still there- Dave holding his hand via a Ouija board, Ryo taking tissue samples and giving him painkillers, Ren talking with him right here, in this spot. He unzips the front of his kigurumi to check his chest, and there's nothing weird, no sign of the virus. It's a strange, weird feeling to wonder if you've actually died or not, because Ryuji definitely can't tell the difference.
And that's where he is, preoccupied with his own vitality, and not even realizing someone was nearby enough to call out to. Someone he may have really wanted to see.]
[Dave's used to being forgotten — maybe not in the sense that people would forget his name, but more that there's another version of himself in his world's correct version of events, living it up as the Dave Strider that everyone actually does remember.]
[that sounds like he's bitter. he's not, not really — not as much anymore, anyway. he's starting to reach a point where he's kind of resigned himself to that fate, both there, and here. and he'd been preparing to subject Ryuji to it, too, which reverberates in his chest with a pain that somehow hurts way worse than any death he's died. he didn't know what else he could do, but work with what he had.]
[there's a couple reasons why, at first, he freezes when he spots Ryuji, having very obviously made a recovery, and that pain is one of them. he was just doing what he could to keep his promises, but Dave also can't help but worry over having maybe, somehow, messed something up. would Ryuji be pissed for subjecting him to that heavy load gaping time travel bullshit for, ultimately, no reason? they'd found peace together with it, sure, but that's supposed to be Dave's burden to bear, not Ryuji's, and Christ, why is it so hard to stop having stupid anxious thoughts?]
[the other reason he pauses is the monkey pajamas. he's finally wearing the goddamn monkey pajamas, something Dave's always secretly, desperately wanted to see, and shit. it's just as great as he was imagining it would be. he's absolutely going to comment on them.]
[you'd think he'd come up with a smooth line to say or something. really sell the point that he's a lot cooler than he actually is, and that he's not having entire paragraphs worth of uncool, irrational, anxious thoughts.]
[he can't seem to find them, though. he just clears his throat instead. hopefully he doesn't scare the shit out of Ryuji like he did with the ouija board.]
[... and he can wiggle his toes, too, shit, this is pretty fucking amazing, and slightly a little creepy at the same time. The bandanna around his mouth is starting to cramp his style, and as much as he digs the skull motif and how it makes the bottom half of his face look positively menacing as all hell, it's gotta go. Dragging it down, he breathes out a sigh of relief, and just as his fingers tug, he keeps still for a second, fabric caught just as it hits his chin- and, well, that can wait.
Pretty much everything can wait? At least for a moment. Because, man, that is one good looking guy over there, and the last time he "saw" him, he wasn't really seeing him. Lips curling into a wide, sweeping smile, he pushes his back up against the hard surface behind him and lifts himself up. Little stiff, like he's been sitting there for ages, but... he walked once on a broken leg, this is nothing in comparison.
And if Dave is feeling anxious or worried, he's the exact opposite at this moment. He's practically one moment away from sending a stream of texts to everyone he knows with the iconic "I lived, bitch!" meme to it that would be almost self deprecating if it wasn't for the fact that this is Ryuji freaking Sakamoto. He wishes he were cool enough to pull off the stoic, reserved, detached kind of cool image, but, he's not, and it takes about all of three seconds for him to be all up in Dave's personal space. Happy to just be, he's practically running all of... a few meters, and yeah, he'll bowl into him like a ten ton truck, and deploy his arms out in the horizontal position to grab onto him and hold. Enough that the force of it sends them both back, and he'll apologize later for throwing off his balance, if he has to, because- first thing's first here.]
[it already seems like forever ago, and not just a little more than a month, that Ryuji had 95 percent asleep plopped his head on Dave's shoulder, and Dave had half asleep given him the most awkward hug and shoosh pap to ever be offered across any and all perceivable universes.]
[and it still seems kind of crazy that a single moment in time, a single conversation that kind of went in a direction they weren't expecting, but maybe were thinking, were wanting, could take them from those awkward shoosh paps to —]
Hey — shit —
[— to this. it takes nearly all the strength Dave has in all those rippling muscles he absolutely, most definitely has, and wasn't just bluffing about, to totter back a few steps and prevent the both of them from sprawling hilariously. he lifts his hands, gripping both of Ryuji's arms, because he has both his arms and that's a thing Dave can do again, and he just kind of holds him that way for a moment, like he can't believe it. how — what —]
[don't ask questions, you idiot! whatever anxieties he had about pretty much everything earlier just got completely body slammed out of him, and after he has confirmed that yes, all of Ryuji's limbs are properly attached and he seems as healthy as he should be, Dave goes ahead and returns that embrace.]
[it's the sort of hug one gives when they're not really all that practiced in giving them — like, it takes a few seconds to figure out where best to position his arms, but it's entirely sincere all the same.]
[Okay, so to be absolutely honest here- Ryuji had a very, very small worry in the span of three seconds that it took to bum rush Dave that the second he went for it, Dave would just sort of... phase out, and leave him crashing into the wall or something. And as embarrassing as that would have been, it would've absolutely sucked majorly and he wouldn't know what the hell to do about it. Like, what if he never regained his form? What if he was just a ghost now, only you could see the outline and notice all the infinitesimally small facial gestures he makes when he's amused or exasperated? Ryuji doesn't look before his leap, because more than anything, he wants to believe it's real, and lo and behold, a hug.
And, it's cool that Dave hasn't figured out the best way to give one back, since Ryuji can teach him this sort of stuff in however many measures of hugs it takes for him to get there. There's a restored faith that a tomorrow is on the horizon and things will be okay. They'll be okay. He gets so worked up over that very fact that his throat feels tighter, matched only by the way his arms wraps around him and squeeze, and if he keeps this up, he might have a deflated boyfriend.
God, it's so lame how he just wants to twirl him around, but he calms that fucking thought right out of his mind, because he's not a twirler and their relationship is better off not having ridiculously stupid twirling reunion moments, but it's there, and knowing that it came across his mind is enough to make him think that he's really, really goddamn lame. He lightens up on the pressure a little, and he wants to tell him how freaking nice it is to be able to hold him, to touch him again, to interact with any part of him, really, but instead, it comes out in a different kind of verbal outburst.]
Hey shit? Is that a term of endearment or somethin', because I was hopin' for something a little more friendly than that.
[And maybe a little less feces-tious too, but, can he really complain? Ryuji's smirk is so obvious, here.]
[but yeah, he is absolutely corporeal, if the way he sort makes a wheezy sort of "you're-squishing-me" noise at Ryuji's best efforts to squeeze the ghost right out of him again is any indicator. that's discounting the permanent effects the virus is leaving behind, but he hasn't noticed those yet.]
[and boy, does he have about a thousand snappy comebacks to that greeting. like, yes, Ryuji is shit and Dave is Jurassic shit, remember? get with the program, man; Dave was boiling and out of his fucking mind and he still recalls the weird compliments they were packing on each other. like they always do. they're the sort of weird things that make little sense except when it's said between the two of them.]
[except, it's kind of getting to him, too. the way they'd been trying to figure out holding hands and being probably awkward as fuck for the past few weeks, and then suddenly it was snatched away from them, and they were both trying to reconcile that with the fact that they'd never be able to touch again, and Dave had approximately no fucking idea how badly he's always wanted physical contact, and how badly losing it had really messed him up. he'd been too fixated on his mission, sorting out how to make sure this would never happen again, to let himself really hurt over it.]
Sorry. Just — hang on a second.
[yeah, it's Dave's turn to do that thing where he rests his head on Ryuji's shoulder.]
Edited (i just noticed i accidentally an entire sentence) 2018-08-17 03:04 (UTC)
[If anything, some of this had to be a testament to the collective middle finger that ought to be raised up against the overarching torture the station has placed on them; trying to dismantle its inhabitants had only ever seemed to make those bonds stronger, and what probably would've taken a lot longer becomes so short and so much more intense. The promise of never being able to hold hands again was a prelude to a hug that was so sorely wanted that Ryuji couldn't even contain himself, despite the regular pretense here that he has... well, absolutely no fucking clue how relationships are supposed to really work. All the little things that he was too shy to actually do became less frightening, by equal measure, when compared to what they might not be able to. If he was never going to see Dave again, or if he was never going to be able to just sit down next to him and even bump shoulders, or share earbuds... then, yeah. There's really no question about what he's doing here.
There's a certain irony behind time becoming precious when you're dating someone who can control it, and it's not lost here.
Ryuji simmers down a little bit when the apology starts coming, and he wants to bust him a little for it, but he doesn't have the heart to do it, because, there's Dave, and he's up against his shoulder, and suddenly. He just can't tell why, but this also feels important. He feels it from his chest expanding outward, like his veins were actually pumping real, red blood this time, and sensation returning all over his body is a welcome reprieve to know that he's still... pretty damn awkward about all this stuff, and yet wanting to try to do so much. Push himself to accept all the things that come along with this, with relationships, because that's what the tenants of these things are, right?
His head lowers a bit, and there goes his heart rate as his cheek touches the side of that lightly colored hair. But they get to determine what those boundaries are and when they break it, so the humor dies down a bit, and Ryuji calms, raising a hand upward in small strokes and down again, rubbing. He has, honestly, no clue if this comforting at all, but, it doesn't really feel like it's the wrong thing to do.]
[he's so cool, in fact, that he isn't even making any move to let go and act in a way that he would usually describe as "cool," or calmly collected as ever. nope. he's incredibly cool with just standing here and maybe selfishly basking in that gentle little gesture of comfort, the way he can feel Ryuji's face against his hair — it's something he's not all that used to, but has been managing to miss terribly all the same. that doesn't make a whole lot of sense on paper. Dave doesn't care.]
[how long can he hang on like this until it starts getting awkward? as much as he'd like to find out, for space science, Dave does, in fact, have other things he'd like to ask. because he has to make absolutely sure that Ryuji is actually okay. he won't be able to relax until he's certain.]
[so he lifts his head, finally, after a few moments, and. pauses. clears his throat. tries to swallow down a lump that formed without his permission and caught him by surprise.]
[give him another brief moment to recapture his composure, then:]
Nice pajamas. [Dave. no, but that's actually a completely sincere statement? even if he sort of flusters at himself for blurting it out loud.]
No, I mean. Uh. You're okay, right? You're sure whatever that was is gone.
Ryuji's hand just stops in place, as his expression goes blank and misguidedly deadpan for a moment here, because- really, that's the thing that he's going to comment on, considering all the wellsprings of available things out there in the world to get hooked on and provide commentary on. He even looks down at the soft material on his sleeve and... god, he got into the monkey costume to hide as much of his body as he humanly could not because it's comfortable as hell or provides excellent warmth and might be a little cute---
Goddamnit.
He should really just push Dave's head back up against his shoulder and get on with the soft back rubbing to avoid conversation around it, but he watches Dave get flustered? He watches Dave get flustered, and... well, that's just not fair. They can't both be absolutely bumbling idiots when they find something adorable about each other.
Ryuji lets go, and raises both arms in the air like he's hanging down from a branch and this is just practically his natural environment. Fine, he'll go along with it for a second.]
Oh... y'know. I'm okay. Just monkeyin' around.
[He's alright. At least, from what he can tell, his skin's returned to normal, his appendages are all working, and he doesn't feel like he's about to keel over. Or eat brains. Although that latter might might've been something he thought about happening and expected enough that he made it a Thing. He also doesn't know about the permanent effects it's left on him; he can't see his back, and he's pretty well covered as it is to notice any difference.]
But I guess the answer you're lookin' for is... yeah? [Lowering his arms, he scratches the back of his head.]
[never underestimate two awkward teens who really, really like each other and their ability to be bumbling idiots when trying to express the more concrete details of what they adore or otherwise find attractive about each other.]
[in any case, if Ryuji ever feels self-conscious about the permanent reminder of this month on his back, then here's a preemptive note that he'll never have to worry about what Dave thinks. this is the same guy who kept weird dead things preserved in various ways on the shelves of his bedroom, and later on decided that no, he wasn't actually being ironic with his interest in them.]
[he'll absolutely love the look.]
[this probably didn't help much.]
[but he manages to find a little bit of a smile, the way he does when he's amused, and more importantly, when he's relieved. it's the slightly more blatant upturn of his lips that he seems to keep returning to whenever he's around Ryuji for more than, say, five minutes.]
Yeah. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
I mean ... don't really know what happened here, nor do I really care, honestly — M'just really happy to see you. Monkeyin' around like you always do.
[The logistics behind all of this is definitely something Ryuji's not going to go searching for, so, yeah- he's pretty much in the "don't fucking care" camp on the details. The last thing he wants to think about is whether or not he actually died back there, when there's a path forward again. A restored sense of okay-ness for the time being, at least, and hey, if Dave really wants to look at dead shit in jars, he might have a finger... being pickled... somewhere to sate that curiosity. Maybe it'd make a good burritoversary gift, like, "hey, now you can always keep a piece of me around" sort of thing and...
God, this is fucking disgusting.]
It's, uh. Yeah! I mean, same on my end here. You kept your word, y'know? You said I wasn't gonna lose you, and I didn't.
[Which brings up a lot of other things that are also coming into focus about that conversation, and he could double back, cover some tracks here, pull back on some of the things he said. But, why? He meant it back then and it still holds true; all those emotions behind holding his hand through a ouiji board cursor are still there and definitely a part of himself.]
Hey... I know that was a pretty heavy moment back there, and I said some stuff about us, and. Uh.
It's not just 'cause we thought we were gonna be goners. I still feel that way.
[Anxiously, he bites down on half of lip, and nods to himself as if it'll give him the right amount of confidence. It's probably a little awkward, but it's endurable, at least, for Ryuji.]
That... I dunno, it's probably pretty effin' forward of me like this, and like, shit, maybe it's something you don't wanna talk about or have reinforced or something. But, yeah. I really do wanna be everything you're lookin' for, and I know I ain't exactly the best kinda boyfriend material out there, but if that's cool and you're cool with it... Whatever, man, I'm totally yours.
[That's a lot of verbal diarrhea, but once that train leaves the station of subtlety town, Ryuji just typically goes right on tootin' along at breakneck speeds. But he's standing there, kind of feeling his face get hot, and yet again, he's caught up in his mad dokis for Dave and doesn't know how to be eloquent about that, at all.]
[god, a pickled finger would be a completely awful and wonderful burritoversary present. Dave would love it unironically; he's such a terrible and weirdly morbid idiot.]
[but, when Ryuji goes and is endearingly earnest like that, as he always is, it gives Dave the courage to try that mode out for himself. you know, try to say something mushy and really, truly, unequivocally mean it, and not have his meaning buried under a pile of classic, on-brand jokes that maybe only half convey what he's really thinking. it's not a mantle he's used to wearing — capes are kind of more his style. but that's another conversation for another time. and he sort of feels like Ryuji deserves to hear his honest thoughts, right as he has them.]
I know. [and the first try comes out more like Han Solo than Lois Lane. but he mirrors the lip biting, suddenly caught up in his own awkwardness, thinking. he should ... do something with his hands, right? Dave ultimately goes with what he knows — he reaches out to take Ryuji's hand.]
I mean, what I'm really trying to say is ... You're saying it's kinda forward of you, but I'm mostly over here thinking I'm being a bit selfish, 'cause I keep wanting to hear it. And I don't really know how to say that I want to get the same points you're making across to you. Other than the way I just did, I guess.
[is this coming out wrong? god, he hopes not. he's trying really hard with this.]
I don't have the slightest clue how any of this shit is supposed to work. But, existential and mortal crises aside, it's been fun trying to figure it out. Y'know. With you.
[So much of this just feels like turning off the light in your room before going to sleep and groping around until you hit the bed, falling into comfort and something that feels warm and protective, but even if Ryuji hits his knees a bunch of times on the way there, he's always been able to get by with a few band-aids.
And he sees Dave trying, really getting out of his comfort zone. It only makes him want to be better, to actually feel like he's worth that sort of push to open up a bit. He doesn't know how he's going to get to that point, but shared hands and conversations like these are a step in the right direction, even if they're both tripping over themselves in such painfully fucking awkward ways.]
Uh... yeah. I mean. It's okay to be selfish about some things, y'know? If you wanna keep hearing it, I'm standin' here with like, a permission slip and everything, you just gotta sign your name on it and stick a postage stamp on it. 'Cause I don't know if I'm really the type of guy who can hold back that sorta thing.
It's like. I swear, I'm completely normal one second and then you're near me and holdin' my hand or bein' cute and then the next second I'm just... man, it's kinda crazy. But you're right, it's been fun. And I don't really know what I'm doin' either, but if it makes me feel this way, all the damn time... then I wanna learn about how it is s'posed to work. Even if it grows out all uneven and weird, like hair.
[And with the mention of that, since it's now on his mind and he typically goes from thought to thought all discombobulated- he looks up at Dave and the little curl thing he's got going on. He reaches up with his unconnected hand and swishes part of his bangs over, smiling like a dork.]
Never really had a good role model for this, either, so. Tell me if I start messin' up.
[it's such a stubborn little swirl of hair, too, that floofs right back into place the second Ryuji draws his fingers away from it. he'd always opted to cut it back, at least until he learned about why he has it in the first place, and if Ryuji likes it? well then shit, he'll make sure to never cut it again.]
Only if you do the same for me. I don't really have any points of reference to draw from either.
[case in point: now that he's said what he was thinking, done his best to give the earnestness a go, Dave's not ... really sure what he should do next. oh, he's got an idea, for sure — and he's sort of inching closer to having the courage to just go for it. at least, he probably will sooner rather than later.]
[and it's the several guesses he has on how a proper boyfriend is supposed to be that leads him down a different train of thought. like, what would count as a proper date? does it matter? is the standard sort of date a thing Ryuji would even be into? or should they just stick to hanging out and enjoying each other's company like always?]
[this is it. this is the moment where Dave's finally found someone capable of turning him into an actual romzomcom. excellent work, Sakamoto.]
[and, the main feeling Dave has to work with right now is that he'd do pretty much anything to see him happy and safe. smiling and laughing, and monkeyin' around like he always does.]
[... uh. anyway, on that romzomcom note, he's going to just go ahead and toss out some random feelers.]
Hey ... this is kinda out of the outfield or whatever, but you remember the second time we ever talked, and I dumped my coffee in your ramen? Did you mean it when you said it wasn't all that bad?
[A mental note taken that his hair is practically spring loaded, Ryuji doesn't want to obsess over this fact, but he is, thinking it was pretty goddamn adorable. What if he rolled up the paper of a straw and placed it there, moved his hair back and let it rip? How far would that baby go?
Wait, this is fucking stupid- he has way more important things to focus on at the moment. Nods, too, when Dave tells him to make this a mutual sorta promise, and- of course, if it's this sort of arrangement, he's not going to go back on his word.
Oblivious to any of Dave's intentions or wondering notions of what's next, Ryuji is, in fact, pretty cool with just continuing to do everything that they've been doing. Sure, there's a lot of added things that get layered on top when actually dating someone, but the way he sees it... it's just an extension of what they already are. And if you think about it, thumb wrestling was already a combative type of hand holding- and, shit, maybe this does go all the way back to the first time they actually met. And by that same level of extension, they could just sit around talking about things from back home, or things they want to do, or the stuff that interests them... and add in Dave leaning on his shoulder. Or having a music listening session that was a total not-date be a date-date.
Ryuji, though, is a little confused at what he's asking. It's obvious in the way that he tilts his head a few degrees, tries to watch for signs of his lips curling or curving in a direction- those were great cues for Ryuji to know what was on his mind... committing each one of those to memory was a book he'd actually enjoy reading.]
W-what?
[It feels so out of place from what they were talking about before, like maybe he missed a sentence there in between.
ALSO, HEY, WAIT. Was that a baseball reference? Dave!!! Ryuji's heart swells.]
I mean. Yeah, it definitely wasn't the worst thing in the world to eat. Kinda a sacrilege to us true ramen connoisseurs, but... anything you could put into that woulda made it better than the bullshit. [A pause, though.] And 'sides... I don't think I've ever lied to you about anything. Dunno if I could.
[HE DID IT. he secured the sportsball reference. before you know it he'll be able to call soccer plays. or shoot a shot put. that's what you do with shot puts, right. you shoot them.]
[there's a very brief flicker of embarrassment across his features. his train of thought made total sense to him, as both the conductor and the sole person on board, and he hadn't realized he sort of left Ryuji behind at the last station without coherent directions on how to catch up.]
[which, really, Dave, this probably isn't the first time you've baffled the guy. Dave baffles people on a regular basis; frankly he's weirded out more people than he hasn't by this point.]
Yeah, uh. Sorry, kinda let my mind wander for a minute there. [it wandered somewhere outrageously sappy, but considering their conversation so far, it's more like he wandered from sappy point A to sappy point B. and, he doesn't mind? Dave doesn't mind at all.]
Mostly though, I was just thinkin' it means a lot to me to hear that. And that you're ... someone safe for me, I guess? That sounds like the right phrasing. I mean, if it weren't already obvious, I don't really go discussing the finer points of time travel by the third conversation with just anybody.
And, I was also kinda thinking about what might be fun to do after this.
[you know. living it up, like they always do. because they can.]
[Ryuji is too much of a jock for any of this bullshit.
But, more importantly, he can't just say he's going to dish out the brutal honesty about his feelings toward Dave and then, just a few moments later, become entirely too flustered to actually live, but here he is, getting called safe, and it's a total mix between this being one of the best moments in his life, and god-did-he-just. He'll try to keep his cool about it, but those words really do hit him, and hit him hard.]
It's cool. I'm kinda used to it by now. [Disconnected thoughts and an internal monologue constantly spinning... Ryuji's had a few months to get accustomed to it. And it's not like he didn't have a habit himself of talking about literally nothing important or going on about the smallest things for way, way longer than he needed to.]
I dunno. You kinda sold it for me when you started goin' on about karate masters. Can't really tell you why you opened up to me, but maybe I asked the right questions. Or maybe you really wanted someone to talk to about it? Either way, I kinda felt the same way. I coulda told you about my persona shit right then and there and felt cool with it.
[Also, to be fair, he might've told anyone who was listening to him about it, but talking to Dave about anything felt like the most comfortable goddamn thing in the world back then. Especially when he was actually pretty terrified of where he was, what had happened, and didn't have a direction or idea of what to do.]
After this? Whatcha got in mind? Wait... you mean like, a coffee ramen date thing? Because, dude, I haven't eaten in like... 2 effin' weeks.
Maybe. Looking back on it, I've explained some of that stuff to people before, only to have it not sink in, or they try to argue with me over it. That I'm supposed to be using that shit every fuckin' chance I get.
But you didn't do that. I guess I must have been relieved to have someone take me seriously on it, instead of trying to drag in all the stuff I'm capable of doing or the kind of person I'm supposed to be into the conversation.
[knights are "warriors that exploit their class as a weapon," allegedly. Dave would personally be happy if he never had to pick up a sword again.]
Pretty sure I've said all that before, but it bears repeating again.
Anyway ... yeah. I'm absolutely meanin' a coffee ramen date thing. And maybe tell me about the shit you're actually supposed to put in ramen.
What's the point? [It's a statement made to pretty much everything Dave said about how people react when they find out about his powers. As a thief, him and his friends acted on their own, going forward only when a group decision was made over what to steal next. They operated well away from the boundaries of society and law, and coupled with his already "go screw yourself" personality, he pretty much ignored the influence from others to do things that are perceived "right".]
The only one that can make those sorta choices is you, anyway. Annnd... plus, it was a pretty cool story.
[But once the floodgates are open, Ryuji is going to come rushing straight out of the gate. The excitement in his features is palpable; ramen is something he could talk for days on end about.]
It's all about the perfect balance between flavor, protein, and condiments. The rules are pretty fluid, like they're sorta meant to be broken, but you can totally eff up a good bowl of ramen. You gotta tailor it right to your---
[And he'll continue blabbering on about this as long as Dave is listening to him. It sure as hell beats talking about how they're going to die or holding in the regret that there was nothing they could do to protect each other from the oncoming infection that would claim the station. Ramen and coffee, or a combination of the both, is just about the best possible thing they could be going over at the moment. And Ryuji is just... happy, in a really sappy way, that he was lucky enough to be able to have a date to begin with, content that he doesn't have to give this opportunity up to some other Ryuji out there.]
no subject
He thought it would come, and then what? Somewhere, somehow, his spirit linked to another body of the same material and experiences up until the last two weeks would live on in his stead, and that guy would have a lot better time of making it through this. It just sucked, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
And the whole process of it happening... he's seen it in movies, read about it in manga, shit- seen it on TV when it happened to Haru's dad, it's always so dramatic, or has such meaning behind it that changes the course of events for someone else. He had told Haru that he remembered some sort of comment that when people pass, there are actually two deaths that occur; one when it physically happens, and once more, when the last person to remember you existed dies. And then there's a chain reaction from there, spiraling outward. Kind of morbid to think that this would be both in one fell swoop. His account ended here.
But there's no real pain or expressive remorse that comes along with it, Ryuji just... sort of drifts off asleep. It'll be impossible for him to remember what his last thoughts are, and maybe it doesn't really matter, because... some time later, his eyes open again, and.
Wait.
What?
He can feel his teeth closing when he tightens his jaw, see his fingers returned to their normal color- and his arm is fine. Gives it a movement to see if it still actually works. Ryuji's pretty often a confused person as he goes through life, but this is strange. The memories are still there- Dave holding his hand via a Ouija board, Ryo taking tissue samples and giving him painkillers, Ren talking with him right here, in this spot. He unzips the front of his kigurumi to check his chest, and there's nothing weird, no sign of the virus. It's a strange, weird feeling to wonder if you've actually died or not, because Ryuji definitely can't tell the difference.
And that's where he is, preoccupied with his own vitality, and not even realizing someone was nearby enough to call out to. Someone he may have really wanted to see.]
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[that sounds like he's bitter. he's not, not really — not as much anymore, anyway. he's starting to reach a point where he's kind of resigned himself to that fate, both there, and here. and he'd been preparing to subject Ryuji to it, too, which reverberates in his chest with a pain that somehow hurts way worse than any death he's died. he didn't know what else he could do, but work with what he had.]
[there's a couple reasons why, at first, he freezes when he spots Ryuji, having very obviously made a recovery, and that pain is one of them. he was just doing what he could to keep his promises, but Dave also can't help but worry over having maybe, somehow, messed something up. would Ryuji be pissed for subjecting him to that heavy load gaping time travel bullshit for, ultimately, no reason? they'd found peace together with it, sure, but that's supposed to be Dave's burden to bear, not Ryuji's, and Christ, why is it so hard to stop having stupid anxious thoughts?]
[the other reason he pauses is the monkey pajamas. he's finally wearing the goddamn monkey pajamas, something Dave's always secretly, desperately wanted to see, and shit. it's just as great as he was imagining it would be. he's absolutely going to comment on them.]
[you'd think he'd come up with a smooth line to say or something. really sell the point that he's a lot cooler than he actually is, and that he's not having entire paragraphs worth of uncool, irrational, anxious thoughts.]
[he can't seem to find them, though. he just clears his throat instead. hopefully he doesn't scare the shit out of Ryuji like he did with the ouija board.]
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Pretty much everything can wait? At least for a moment. Because, man, that is one good looking guy over there, and the last time he "saw" him, he wasn't really seeing him. Lips curling into a wide, sweeping smile, he pushes his back up against the hard surface behind him and lifts himself up. Little stiff, like he's been sitting there for ages, but... he walked once on a broken leg, this is nothing in comparison.
And if Dave is feeling anxious or worried, he's the exact opposite at this moment. He's practically one moment away from sending a stream of texts to everyone he knows with the iconic "I lived, bitch!" meme to it that would be almost self deprecating if it wasn't for the fact that this is Ryuji freaking Sakamoto. He wishes he were cool enough to pull off the stoic, reserved, detached kind of cool image, but, he's not, and it takes about all of three seconds for him to be all up in Dave's personal space. Happy to just be, he's practically running all of... a few meters, and yeah, he'll bowl into him like a ten ton truck, and deploy his arms out in the horizontal position to grab onto him and hold. Enough that the force of it sends them both back, and he'll apologize later for throwing off his balance, if he has to, because- first thing's first here.]
Dude! Dave!!
[Uhm.
Hi? Hi.]
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[and it still seems kind of crazy that a single moment in time, a single conversation that kind of went in a direction they weren't expecting, but maybe were thinking, were wanting, could take them from those awkward shoosh paps to —]
Hey — shit —
[— to this. it takes nearly all the strength Dave has in all those rippling muscles he absolutely, most definitely has, and wasn't just bluffing about, to totter back a few steps and prevent the both of them from sprawling hilariously. he lifts his hands, gripping both of Ryuji's arms, because he has both his arms and that's a thing Dave can do again, and he just kind of holds him that way for a moment, like he can't believe it. how — what —]
[don't ask questions, you idiot! whatever anxieties he had about pretty much everything earlier just got completely body slammed out of him, and after he has confirmed that yes, all of Ryuji's limbs are properly attached and he seems as healthy as he should be, Dave goes ahead and returns that embrace.]
[it's the sort of hug one gives when they're not really all that practiced in giving them — like, it takes a few seconds to figure out where best to position his arms, but it's entirely sincere all the same.]
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And, it's cool that Dave hasn't figured out the best way to give one back, since Ryuji can teach him this sort of stuff in however many measures of hugs it takes for him to get there. There's a restored faith that a tomorrow is on the horizon and things will be okay. They'll be okay. He gets so worked up over that very fact that his throat feels tighter, matched only by the way his arms wraps around him and squeeze, and if he keeps this up, he might have a deflated boyfriend.
God, it's so lame how he just wants to twirl him around, but he calms that fucking thought right out of his mind, because he's not a twirler and their relationship is better off not having ridiculously stupid twirling reunion moments, but it's there, and knowing that it came across his mind is enough to make him think that he's really, really goddamn lame. He lightens up on the pressure a little, and he wants to tell him how freaking nice it is to be able to hold him, to touch him again, to interact with any part of him, really, but instead, it comes out in a different kind of verbal outburst.]
Hey shit? Is that a term of endearment or somethin', because I was hopin' for something a little more friendly than that.
[And maybe a little less feces-tious too, but, can he really complain? Ryuji's smirk is so obvious, here.]
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[but yeah, he is absolutely corporeal, if the way he sort makes a wheezy sort of "you're-squishing-me" noise at Ryuji's best efforts to squeeze the ghost right out of him again is any indicator. that's discounting the permanent effects the virus is leaving behind, but he hasn't noticed those yet.]
[and boy, does he have about a thousand snappy comebacks to that greeting. like, yes, Ryuji is shit and Dave is Jurassic shit, remember? get with the program, man; Dave was boiling and out of his fucking mind and he still recalls the weird compliments they were packing on each other. like they always do. they're the sort of weird things that make little sense except when it's said between the two of them.]
[except, it's kind of getting to him, too. the way they'd been trying to figure out holding hands and being probably awkward as fuck for the past few weeks, and then suddenly it was snatched away from them, and they were both trying to reconcile that with the fact that they'd never be able to touch again, and Dave had approximately no fucking idea how badly he's always wanted physical contact, and how badly losing it had really messed him up. he'd been too fixated on his mission, sorting out how to make sure this would never happen again, to let himself really hurt over it.]
Sorry. Just — hang on a second.
[yeah, it's Dave's turn to do that thing where he rests his head on Ryuji's shoulder.]
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There's a certain irony behind time becoming precious when you're dating someone who can control it, and it's not lost here.
Ryuji simmers down a little bit when the apology starts coming, and he wants to bust him a little for it, but he doesn't have the heart to do it, because, there's Dave, and he's up against his shoulder, and suddenly. He just can't tell why, but this also feels important. He feels it from his chest expanding outward, like his veins were actually pumping real, red blood this time, and sensation returning all over his body is a welcome reprieve to know that he's still... pretty damn awkward about all this stuff, and yet wanting to try to do so much. Push himself to accept all the things that come along with this, with relationships, because that's what the tenants of these things are, right?
His head lowers a bit, and there goes his heart rate as his cheek touches the side of that lightly colored hair. But they get to determine what those boundaries are and when they break it, so the humor dies down a bit, and Ryuji calms, raising a hand upward in small strokes and down again, rubbing. He has, honestly, no clue if this comforting at all, but, it doesn't really feel like it's the wrong thing to do.]
Hey... you okay?
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[he's so cool, in fact, that he isn't even making any move to let go and act in a way that he would usually describe as "cool," or calmly collected as ever. nope. he's incredibly cool with just standing here and maybe selfishly basking in that gentle little gesture of comfort, the way he can feel Ryuji's face against his hair — it's something he's not all that used to, but has been managing to miss terribly all the same. that doesn't make a whole lot of sense on paper. Dave doesn't care.]
[how long can he hang on like this until it starts getting awkward? as much as he'd like to find out, for space science, Dave does, in fact, have other things he'd like to ask. because he has to make absolutely sure that Ryuji is actually okay. he won't be able to relax until he's certain.]
[so he lifts his head, finally, after a few moments, and. pauses. clears his throat. tries to swallow down a lump that formed without his permission and caught him by surprise.]
[give him another brief moment to recapture his composure, then:]
Nice pajamas. [Dave. no, but that's actually a completely sincere statement? even if he sort of flusters at himself for blurting it out loud.]
No, I mean. Uh. You're okay, right? You're sure whatever that was is gone.
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Ryuji's hand just stops in place, as his expression goes blank and misguidedly deadpan for a moment here, because- really, that's the thing that he's going to comment on, considering all the wellsprings of available things out there in the world to get hooked on and provide commentary on. He even looks down at the soft material on his sleeve and... god, he got into the monkey costume to hide as much of his body as he humanly could not because it's comfortable as hell or provides excellent warmth and might be a little cute---
Goddamnit.
He should really just push Dave's head back up against his shoulder and get on with the soft back rubbing to avoid conversation around it, but he watches Dave get flustered? He watches Dave get flustered, and... well, that's just not fair. They can't both be absolutely bumbling idiots when they find something adorable about each other.
Ryuji lets go, and raises both arms in the air like he's hanging down from a branch and this is just practically his natural environment. Fine, he'll go along with it for a second.]
Oh... y'know. I'm okay. Just monkeyin' around.
[He's alright. At least, from what he can tell, his skin's returned to normal, his appendages are all working, and he doesn't feel like he's about to keel over. Or eat brains. Although that latter might might've been something he thought about happening and expected enough that he made it a Thing. He also doesn't know about the permanent effects it's left on him; he can't see his back, and he's pretty well covered as it is to notice any difference.]
But I guess the answer you're lookin' for is... yeah? [Lowering his arms, he scratches the back of his head.]
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[in any case, if Ryuji ever feels self-conscious about the permanent reminder of this month on his back, then here's a preemptive note that he'll never have to worry about what Dave thinks. this is the same guy who kept weird dead things preserved in various ways on the shelves of his bedroom, and later on decided that no, he wasn't actually being ironic with his interest in them.]
[he'll absolutely love the look.]
[this probably didn't help much.]
[but he manages to find a little bit of a smile, the way he does when he's amused, and more importantly, when he's relieved. it's the slightly more blatant upturn of his lips that he seems to keep returning to whenever he's around Ryuji for more than, say, five minutes.]
Yeah. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
I mean ... don't really know what happened here, nor do I really care, honestly — M'just really happy to see you. Monkeyin' around like you always do.
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God, this is fucking disgusting.]
It's, uh. Yeah! I mean, same on my end here. You kept your word, y'know? You said I wasn't gonna lose you, and I didn't.
[Which brings up a lot of other things that are also coming into focus about that conversation, and he could double back, cover some tracks here, pull back on some of the things he said. But, why? He meant it back then and it still holds true; all those emotions behind holding his hand through a ouiji board cursor are still there and definitely a part of himself.]
Hey... I know that was a pretty heavy moment back there, and I said some stuff about us, and. Uh.
It's not just 'cause we thought we were gonna be goners. I still feel that way.
[Anxiously, he bites down on half of lip, and nods to himself as if it'll give him the right amount of confidence. It's probably a little awkward, but it's endurable, at least, for Ryuji.]
That... I dunno, it's probably pretty effin' forward of me like this, and like, shit, maybe it's something you don't wanna talk about or have reinforced or something. But, yeah. I really do wanna be everything you're lookin' for, and I know I ain't exactly the best kinda boyfriend material out there, but if that's cool and you're cool with it... Whatever, man, I'm totally yours.
[That's a lot of verbal diarrhea, but once that train leaves the station of subtlety town, Ryuji just typically goes right on tootin' along at breakneck speeds. But he's standing there, kind of feeling his face get hot, and yet again, he's caught up in his mad dokis for Dave and doesn't know how to be eloquent about that, at all.]
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[but, when Ryuji goes and is endearingly earnest like that, as he always is, it gives Dave the courage to try that mode out for himself. you know, try to say something mushy and really, truly, unequivocally mean it, and not have his meaning buried under a pile of classic, on-brand jokes that maybe only half convey what he's really thinking. it's not a mantle he's used to wearing — capes are kind of more his style. but that's another conversation for another time. and he sort of feels like Ryuji deserves to hear his honest thoughts, right as he has them.]
I know. [and the first try comes out more like Han Solo than Lois Lane. but he mirrors the lip biting, suddenly caught up in his own awkwardness, thinking. he should ... do something with his hands, right? Dave ultimately goes with what he knows — he reaches out to take Ryuji's hand.]
I mean, what I'm really trying to say is ... You're saying it's kinda forward of you, but I'm mostly over here thinking I'm being a bit selfish, 'cause I keep wanting to hear it. And I don't really know how to say that I want to get the same points you're making across to you. Other than the way I just did, I guess.
[is this coming out wrong? god, he hopes not. he's trying really hard with this.]
I don't have the slightest clue how any of this shit is supposed to work. But, existential and mortal crises aside, it's been fun trying to figure it out. Y'know. With you.
So, yeah. [yeah.]
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And he sees Dave trying, really getting out of his comfort zone. It only makes him want to be better, to actually feel like he's worth that sort of push to open up a bit. He doesn't know how he's going to get to that point, but shared hands and conversations like these are a step in the right direction, even if they're both tripping over themselves in such painfully fucking awkward ways.]
Uh... yeah. I mean. It's okay to be selfish about some things, y'know? If you wanna keep hearing it, I'm standin' here with like, a permission slip and everything, you just gotta sign your name on it and stick a postage stamp on it. 'Cause I don't know if I'm really the type of guy who can hold back that sorta thing.
It's like. I swear, I'm completely normal one second and then you're near me and holdin' my hand or bein' cute and then the next second I'm just... man, it's kinda crazy. But you're right, it's been fun. And I don't really know what I'm doin' either, but if it makes me feel this way, all the damn time... then I wanna learn about how it is s'posed to work. Even if it grows out all uneven and weird, like hair.
[And with the mention of that, since it's now on his mind and he typically goes from thought to thought all discombobulated- he looks up at Dave and the little curl thing he's got going on. He reaches up with his unconnected hand and swishes part of his bangs over, smiling like a dork.]
Never really had a good role model for this, either, so. Tell me if I start messin' up.
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Only if you do the same for me. I don't really have any points of reference to draw from either.
[case in point: now that he's said what he was thinking, done his best to give the earnestness a go, Dave's not ... really sure what he should do next. oh, he's got an idea, for sure — and he's sort of inching closer to having the courage to just go for it. at least, he probably will sooner rather than later.]
[and it's the several guesses he has on how a proper boyfriend is supposed to be that leads him down a different train of thought. like, what would count as a proper date? does it matter? is the standard sort of date a thing Ryuji would even be into? or should they just stick to hanging out and enjoying each other's company like always?]
[this is it. this is the moment where Dave's finally found someone capable of turning him into an actual romzomcom. excellent work, Sakamoto.]
[and, the main feeling Dave has to work with right now is that he'd do pretty much anything to see him happy and safe. smiling and laughing, and monkeyin' around like he always does.]
[... uh. anyway, on that romzomcom note, he's going to just go ahead and toss out some random feelers.]
Hey ... this is kinda out of the outfield or whatever, but you remember the second time we ever talked, and I dumped my coffee in your ramen? Did you mean it when you said it wasn't all that bad?
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Wait, this is fucking stupid- he has way more important things to focus on at the moment. Nods, too, when Dave tells him to make this a mutual sorta promise, and- of course, if it's this sort of arrangement, he's not going to go back on his word.
Oblivious to any of Dave's intentions or wondering notions of what's next, Ryuji is, in fact, pretty cool with just continuing to do everything that they've been doing. Sure, there's a lot of added things that get layered on top when actually dating someone, but the way he sees it... it's just an extension of what they already are. And if you think about it, thumb wrestling was already a combative type of hand holding- and, shit, maybe this does go all the way back to the first time they actually met. And by that same level of extension, they could just sit around talking about things from back home, or things they want to do, or the stuff that interests them... and add in Dave leaning on his shoulder. Or having a music listening session that was a total not-date be a date-date.
Ryuji, though, is a little confused at what he's asking. It's obvious in the way that he tilts his head a few degrees, tries to watch for signs of his lips curling or curving in a direction- those were great cues for Ryuji to know what was on his mind... committing each one of those to memory was a book he'd actually enjoy reading.]
W-what?
[It feels so out of place from what they were talking about before, like maybe he missed a sentence there in between.
ALSO, HEY, WAIT. Was that a baseball reference? Dave!!! Ryuji's heart swells.]
I mean. Yeah, it definitely wasn't the worst thing in the world to eat. Kinda a sacrilege to us true ramen connoisseurs, but... anything you could put into that woulda made it better than the bullshit. [A pause, though.] And 'sides... I don't think I've ever lied to you about anything. Dunno if I could.
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[there's a very brief flicker of embarrassment across his features. his train of thought made total sense to him, as both the conductor and the sole person on board, and he hadn't realized he sort of left Ryuji behind at the last station without coherent directions on how to catch up.]
[which, really, Dave, this probably isn't the first time you've baffled the guy. Dave baffles people on a regular basis; frankly he's weirded out more people than he hasn't by this point.]
Yeah, uh. Sorry, kinda let my mind wander for a minute there. [it wandered somewhere outrageously sappy, but considering their conversation so far, it's more like he wandered from sappy point A to sappy point B. and, he doesn't mind? Dave doesn't mind at all.]
Mostly though, I was just thinkin' it means a lot to me to hear that. And that you're ... someone safe for me, I guess? That sounds like the right phrasing. I mean, if it weren't already obvious, I don't really go discussing the finer points of time travel by the third conversation with just anybody.
And, I was also kinda thinking about what might be fun to do after this.
[you know. living it up, like they always do. because they can.]
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But, more importantly, he can't just say he's going to dish out the brutal honesty about his feelings toward Dave and then, just a few moments later, become entirely too flustered to actually live, but here he is, getting called safe, and it's a total mix between this being one of the best moments in his life, and god-did-he-just. He'll try to keep his cool about it, but those words really do hit him, and hit him hard.]
It's cool. I'm kinda used to it by now. [Disconnected thoughts and an internal monologue constantly spinning... Ryuji's had a few months to get accustomed to it. And it's not like he didn't have a habit himself of talking about literally nothing important or going on about the smallest things for way, way longer than he needed to.]
I dunno. You kinda sold it for me when you started goin' on about karate masters. Can't really tell you why you opened up to me, but maybe I asked the right questions. Or maybe you really wanted someone to talk to about it? Either way, I kinda felt the same way. I coulda told you about my persona shit right then and there and felt cool with it.
[Also, to be fair, he might've told anyone who was listening to him about it, but talking to Dave about anything felt like the most comfortable goddamn thing in the world back then. Especially when he was actually pretty terrified of where he was, what had happened, and didn't have a direction or idea of what to do.]
After this? Whatcha got in mind? Wait... you mean like, a coffee ramen date thing? Because, dude, I haven't eaten in like... 2 effin' weeks.
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But you didn't do that. I guess I must have been relieved to have someone take me seriously on it, instead of trying to drag in all the stuff I'm capable of doing or the kind of person I'm supposed to be into the conversation.
[knights are "warriors that exploit their class as a weapon," allegedly. Dave would personally be happy if he never had to pick up a sword again.]
Pretty sure I've said all that before, but it bears repeating again.
Anyway ... yeah. I'm absolutely meanin' a coffee ramen date thing. And maybe tell me about the shit you're actually supposed to put in ramen.
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The only one that can make those sorta choices is you, anyway. Annnd... plus, it was a pretty cool story.
[But once the floodgates are open, Ryuji is going to come rushing straight out of the gate. The excitement in his features is palpable; ramen is something he could talk for days on end about.]
It's all about the perfect balance between flavor, protein, and condiments. The rules are pretty fluid, like they're sorta meant to be broken, but you can totally eff up a good bowl of ramen. You gotta tailor it right to your---
[And he'll continue blabbering on about this as long as Dave is listening to him. It sure as hell beats talking about how they're going to die or holding in the regret that there was nothing they could do to protect each other from the oncoming infection that would claim the station. Ramen and coffee, or a combination of the both, is just about the best possible thing they could be going over at the moment. And Ryuji is just... happy, in a really sappy way, that he was lucky enough to be able to have a date to begin with, content that he doesn't have to give this opportunity up to some other Ryuji out there.]