[Look, it's not like Ryuji knows that it was just the ribbon to a jar of mayo with an R scratched into it to officiate its own insistence. And if that's all it takes to claim power somewhere, hell, why hasn't someone else tried that within the station? Oh, right. There was a town hall. Nobody wanted anyone in a leadership role. Cans must've been serious business on this meteor. He doesn't question it.
It is, however, a really convoluted retelling, and he's doing his best to listen without interrupting. Nods when he says that time's his thing, because he can relate to being absolute shit at explaining things. Raises an eyebrow when he says that he restarted his session. He's picturing an old famicon system with a button that you flip up and everything glitches out for .5 seconds before going back to the title screen. Senses inklings of hesitation and things that are being purposely expanded or contracted upon. It's cool, he doesn't mind.
There's an implication, of course, that failing the game had seriously undesirable consequences. It tickles against the idea that Dave had repeated a few times already about the way things were "supposed to work out." Kind of weird to know that destiny had worked out its own red string that purposely built in a clause for the right ending to be... well, a bad one? There's not much more he can conclude from that. Having to reset everything to set things on the right path to move forward... what does that even look like?]
I was right about you, y'know. When we first met, I said you were a damn cheater. [In the way that thumb wrestling was serious business, of course. It's something he says to break the period of silence that ensues, and, yeah, he has some questions, but putting them into actual words is kind of rough.]
But... uh. It's kinda weird that you had to travel to get to your new game? Like... why wouldn't you just reset in place? Y'know. You hit the reset button on your sigma station and it's not like you toss the console into another room or anything.
[And, then, as if it were an after thought to everything, because obviously, they had figured out their own way to make fun on a station chilling in the middle of a galaxy that was far, far away from their own---]
New players? Should I be expectin' to see a new game plus Dave walking around here somewhere? [Awkward, but it's... a little easier than pointing out the incredibly strange subcutaneous question that kind of clouds that one. Did he really sacrifice everything in his game to make it work for someone else? Like, shit.
[leave it to Ryuji to crack the kind of joke that would put Dave at ease, even as he's also asking questions that don't really have easy, or pleasant, answers.]
Dunno how to answer these without being kinda blunt. [and maybe it's better if he just goes ahead and is blunt. maybe it'll get easier to talk anything out if he does, like when you have wound that needs healing, but you have to tear through a lot of pain to even get to that point.]
Yeah, I'll own up to it — I'm a damn dirty cheater. Kinda had to be, for things to wind up the way they did. Scratching a session is sorta like ... I dunno, resetting your game without saving and starting over. Or wiping your computer and having to rebuild your music library — it'll look the same in a lot of ways, but it also won't be built up exactly how it was before.
You have to cheat if you want to wind up on the other side of it. [they were the only bits of coding that remained from the original session. the data that defied the regular rules and escaped erasure, if only because it's something they were slated to do all along.]
[that's just one of those things you don't realize was intended until you look back on it. it wasn't really something he was expecting to survive, anyway, considering the way he and Rose had been arguing over who got to be the exploding Bruce Willis of their soon-to-be-rewritten session. the only way those troll ghosts were able to survive their Scratch was by dying, which. wow, that's a really dumb sentence i just typed.]
[Dave sort of feels like he's being a buzzkill now. like maybe this wasn't a really good idea. but he doesn't want to leave Ryuji's other questions hanging, either.]
But like I said, I don't really get why a lot of shit happens the way it does. I'm sure Rose explained why the new session was so far away, but fuck if I remember what it was.
And — yeah, I guess? He had his own shit to do, though, based on what Dirk's told me, and that didn't include Sburb. I couldn't really tell you what he was like, or really anything he did other than a few little things.
[It's definitely a lot to absorb all at once, but more than anything, he knows they're getting into territory that feels a lot more raw than the things that they talked about before. Something about all of this just makes him want to do something really dumb like branch an arm over his shoulder and pull him in. Ryuji doesn't really see this as a buzkill at all, rather, an explanation of things and the events that led up to him being here. And here, as much as it sucks most of the time, is made leaps and bounds better by the equally inept teen sitting next to him. It's on his docket to remind Dave of that, pretty much... as much as humanly damn possible.]
Shit... that ain't right. It sounds like. A lot of responsibility to take on all at once, and it kinds sucks that it had to play out like that. [He sort of gets it. The idea of purpose is something that Ryuji's kept close to him for a long time now, and he's not sure how he'd be able to stomach that everything he had done was pretty much a set up for something else to succeed. He doesn't have the full picture yet, of course, but that's how it reads, and he's slightly ticked off about it. A game where the cards are stacked against you indefinitely, and the only way to win that game is to blow a hole right through it.
He'd been in that position before. Ren said that everything had worked out in the end, and he had to believe it in order to keep on going. A video game, or in his case, a god, it sounds just. Dumb. All of it. Something you're not meant to win goes against the very nature of human drive.]
Everything kinda comes down to circumstance, anyway, if you look at it. [That urge to do something stupid rises up again in him, and it's killing him not to be outwardly physical about things. He'll practice a little bit more restraint, though. This is still a weird territory of... whatever "them" is.] That's a different Dave. So what? Y'know? You did enough on your terms, too. You deserve to be happy, no matter who that other butthead is.
[Ryuji may or may not realize just how badly Dave needed to hear that. it's easy to dismiss yourself when the collective universes do the exact same, and make it very clear that you were just a means to an end, that you aren't the one who's going to go on to actually win, to do whatever it is the Dave who isn't him is supposed to. like he's an inkpen that was tossed aside in favor of a better one, because the ink ran dry and there was no fight left in it.]
[but that means exactly jackshit here, doesn't it? this isn't the dream bubbles, there's no army of ghosts to be joining up with to fight the Incredible Hulk, and he hated that idea anyway. even if that were something he was meant to go back and get involved in, it's not like he would know which direction to start flying from here.]
[it's the tiniest of sparks in the pit of misery of what it means to be a time player — or just a player of Sburb in general. the sacrifices that have to be made. that particular end goal isn't his anymore, but ... that doesn't have to mean he's been denied one entirely. right?]
[boy, that sounds. hopelessly hopeful. kind of cheesy to boot. and it'll take a while for him to really believe it in a meaningful capacity. but even if Dave doesn't know what the hell his end goal actually is, it kind of feels like Ryuji has turned him around and at least pointed in the direction he should start walking.]
Yeah. Complete butthead. [does this count as dunking yourself???]
A lot of it was completely shitty, you're right. But it wasn't all terrible. My friends all lived really far away from me, so it was cool to be able to hang out in person. Or at least know that they were somewhere in the same space I was.
Wrote some of my best raps on that meteor, too. [it's The Little Things.]
[That definitely counted as dunking yourself, Dave.
But it does stand justifiable to continue down that path of thinking. Not the part where Ryuji thoroughly believes that he's the only one allowed to torment Dave like that (he bumps up a little against him to remind him on that point), but the acceptance that it doesn't have to be a fixed end point. If there's another Dave out that that gets to do the things that he doesn't, it isn't intrinsically true that whatever this Dave does is meaningless or any less fruitful. If there were millions of universes where either copies of them existed, hell, even a Ryuji living in Tokyo right now with a fixed family, or some sort of semblance of what constitutes a much better life, that's that Ryuji's prerogative. And, given the chance to know about the existence of that Ryuji, maybe he'd feel a little jealousy over it, but, shit. He's not about to let it ruin the experiences he's had. The friends he's made along the way. The insistence of the way he feels, right here and now, sitting as he drifts along in a lonely void of space next to Dave.
Hopelessly hopeful, or whatever that looks like... it's not invalid. He's always believed that freedom has its own form of vividly beautiful aesthetic; it's something he's said over and over again to just about everyone he's met. Do what you want to in life, don't hold back. That dumb, optimistic, punk kind of attitude.]
I dunno. Bein' with people you like and sharing time together is kinda worth all the sorts of trouble it takes gettin' there. Took me a pretty damn long time to figure that out.
[They're both pretty self-sacrificing people. Ryuji isn't so far removed from the reality of that to not accept it. If he knows how far he'd go for his friends, he has an idea of what Dave would do, too. It's respectable.
And, yeah, fuck it.
Under the blanket, he reaches out and wraps an arm around his shoulder, squeezing and smiling. It's been killing him to not do it.]
[if Dave and Ryuji hadn't pretty much immediately gotten into a physical thumb war altercation the second they first met, and if Ryuji had not placed an affable hand on his shoulder after holding a somber service for their fallen burrito comrade, then Dave might be reacting a lot differently to the contact now.]
[and, well — okay, this sort of has a lot of different connotations along with the usual ones, and yeah, he can't help tensing for a split second because of that.]
[this is ... okay, right? he thinks it might be okay. it somehow feels like this is really, officially, unwinding every single idea he'd ever had about himself, the way he thought he was, the way he thought he's supposed to be, and for that same split second it also feels like he can't breathe. just when he thought he had everything about himself, about his own place in the universe, figured out, Ryuji goes and turns it all on its side, and now he has no idea what to do about anything. like, suddenly, the last thing he wants to do is just accept what he's supposed to as a byproduct of a doomed timeline.]
[wait, shit — he just leaned in closer without realizing, didn't he? turns out while Dave's brain was panicking about whether this was really okay, the rest of him went ahead and decided that it was — it was something he desperately wanted, in fact. hearts, right.]
[there really is no keeping Ryuji at an arm's length, as it turns out. he'll be trying to sort out when he even made that decision for a while. also, try breathing, Dave. let's not have a repeat of last month.]
You're right — both those things you just said, I mean. [he'll be sorting out how entirely lame he is later, too.]
[At first, the tensing up doesn't go unnoticed and he starts to think that maybe he's overdoing it? Pushing too much, or something, because really. A guy that wears shades all the time to hide a part of his face doesn't exactly scream the mantra of "hey, I like to be touched." Which is pretty contrasting to Ryuji's open personality, constantly looking to hang off of people like a monkey from a tree.
But then again, Ryuji also doesn't think that Dave is just people, either. He knows it's true because he can almost feel his heart in his throat as he does it, and he's half expecting him to shy away after tensing. It's when he doesn't that catches Ryuji by a modest level of surprise, only deepened when he swears he can feel Dave coming closer- and he can't really tell if it's just him making it happen, or it's naturally occurring.
He's never had a problem being brave before. Why does it kick in now, when they're having a good conversation, when Dave's just peeled back a few layers of the onion exterior? Oh, right. Because Ryuji is crushing on him. That's a thing. He's so worried that he's going to misstep here that he denies himself thinking that he could do anything right when it came to romantic interest. Which is dumb. He's dumb.
It also doesn't stop him from wanting it so intensely that it lingers probably a second longer than it ought to. Putting this on instant replay, it's obvious what's going on here, but it's too in the weeds to notice it outright. Maybe if he had his way, they could always be like this. Maybe Dave could lean up against him, and Ryuji could hold him and rest his face against his hair and---
God.
Butterflies in his chest isn't the right metaphor. It's practically a fucking facehugger clawing its way straight out of him. This is cool. It's cool. He's admitted to owning these feelings, internally. Slowly, his hand unwinds its way around his shoulder, and it's so horribly idiotic how blind they are to what each of them are doing to each other.]
Damn. [To a lot of things, right now, honestly-] Feels kinda nice hearing that. Tell me that more often, yeah? I'm right. Got a nice ring to it.
[it almost feels like Ryuji had him in some sort of sleeper hold there, that if he had held on to Dave a little longer, he could have actually fallen asleep and Ryuji would have gotten the scenario he had been imagining. it is getting late, and they have been listening to music for a while. it doesn't ... really seem like he's overstayed his welcome, though, if he's reading the room right?]
[but he blinks, sitting himself up straighter, as if he isn't really sure what just happened, or can't really fathom it. he's getting a bit tired, but it doesn't really matter, because he's going to be up the entire simulated night trying to sort out what happened anyway — or rather, how he actually feels about it. just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, racing from one explanation or feeling to the next.]
[but then, Ryuji goes and says that, and Dave, smirking in that low-key way that he does, just can't help himself.]
Yeah, okay.
[there's a pause, there, conveniently punctuated by the equally short pause in between songs.]
[Adding to the incredibly long list of powers that Dave already has, each one more discrete and situationally useful than the last, he's definitely read the mood right. He can stay as long as he wants or as little as he wants, because Ryuji's chill with whatever. If "whatever" means secretly being here as long as possible, of course. Maybe he should be more honest with his preferences, but that's at least, what? Two more weeks away? Hmmm...
But maybe some recharge time is needed to separate out, to second and third guess the thoughts that are eventually going to compile in compounding order, and he won't be able to sit still again. Probably end up going for a walk, or hitting up someone's smartwatch to bug them. Sleep sounds nice but it also sounds like it'll be something near impossible to do when he thinks about this entire thing. What was it about apples and temptation, anyway?]
Asshole.
[He breathes it low, knowing full well that Dave is going to hear him say it. How to tell when Ryuji's fond of you? He curses at you without the grit behind his throaty loudness. There's an entire checklist of other things that are also pretty obvious at this point, or at least, in retrospect.]
I'm always right. [Except the times he's not, and he knows that. He knows that Dave knows that, too. Still, it's fun enough to tease and see where it goes.]
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It is, however, a really convoluted retelling, and he's doing his best to listen without interrupting. Nods when he says that time's his thing, because he can relate to being absolute shit at explaining things. Raises an eyebrow when he says that he restarted his session. He's picturing an old famicon system with a button that you flip up and everything glitches out for .5 seconds before going back to the title screen. Senses inklings of hesitation and things that are being purposely expanded or contracted upon. It's cool, he doesn't mind.
There's an implication, of course, that failing the game had seriously undesirable consequences. It tickles against the idea that Dave had repeated a few times already about the way things were "supposed to work out." Kind of weird to know that destiny had worked out its own red string that purposely built in a clause for the right ending to be... well, a bad one? There's not much more he can conclude from that. Having to reset everything to set things on the right path to move forward... what does that even look like?]
I was right about you, y'know. When we first met, I said you were a damn cheater. [In the way that thumb wrestling was serious business, of course. It's something he says to break the period of silence that ensues, and, yeah, he has some questions, but putting them into actual words is kind of rough.]
But... uh. It's kinda weird that you had to travel to get to your new game? Like... why wouldn't you just reset in place? Y'know. You hit the reset button on your sigma station and it's not like you toss the console into another room or anything.
[And, then, as if it were an after thought to everything, because obviously, they had figured out their own way to make fun on a station chilling in the middle of a galaxy that was far, far away from their own---]
New players? Should I be expectin' to see a new game plus Dave walking around here somewhere? [Awkward, but it's... a little easier than pointing out the incredibly strange subcutaneous question that kind of clouds that one. Did he really sacrifice everything in his game to make it work for someone else? Like, shit.
That's rough.]
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Dunno how to answer these without being kinda blunt. [and maybe it's better if he just goes ahead and is blunt. maybe it'll get easier to talk anything out if he does, like when you have wound that needs healing, but you have to tear through a lot of pain to even get to that point.]
Yeah, I'll own up to it — I'm a damn dirty cheater. Kinda had to be, for things to wind up the way they did. Scratching a session is sorta like ... I dunno, resetting your game without saving and starting over. Or wiping your computer and having to rebuild your music library — it'll look the same in a lot of ways, but it also won't be built up exactly how it was before.
You have to cheat if you want to wind up on the other side of it. [they were the only bits of coding that remained from the original session. the data that defied the regular rules and escaped erasure, if only because it's something they were slated to do all along.]
[that's just one of those things you don't realize was intended until you look back on it. it wasn't really something he was expecting to survive, anyway, considering the way he and Rose had been arguing over who got to be the exploding Bruce Willis of their soon-to-be-rewritten session. the only way those troll ghosts were able to survive their Scratch was by dying, which. wow, that's a really dumb sentence i just typed.]
[Dave sort of feels like he's being a buzzkill now. like maybe this wasn't a really good idea. but he doesn't want to leave Ryuji's other questions hanging, either.]
But like I said, I don't really get why a lot of shit happens the way it does. I'm sure Rose explained why the new session was so far away, but fuck if I remember what it was.
And — yeah, I guess? He had his own shit to do, though, based on what Dirk's told me, and that didn't include Sburb. I couldn't really tell you what he was like, or really anything he did other than a few little things.
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Shit... that ain't right. It sounds like. A lot of responsibility to take on all at once, and it kinds sucks that it had to play out like that. [He sort of gets it. The idea of purpose is something that Ryuji's kept close to him for a long time now, and he's not sure how he'd be able to stomach that everything he had done was pretty much a set up for something else to succeed. He doesn't have the full picture yet, of course, but that's how it reads, and he's slightly ticked off about it. A game where the cards are stacked against you indefinitely, and the only way to win that game is to blow a hole right through it.
He'd been in that position before. Ren said that everything had worked out in the end, and he had to believe it in order to keep on going. A video game, or in his case, a god, it sounds just. Dumb. All of it. Something you're not meant to win goes against the very nature of human drive.]
Everything kinda comes down to circumstance, anyway, if you look at it. [That urge to do something stupid rises up again in him, and it's killing him not to be outwardly physical about things. He'll practice a little bit more restraint, though. This is still a weird territory of... whatever "them" is.] That's a different Dave. So what? Y'know? You did enough on your terms, too. You deserve to be happy, no matter who that other butthead is.
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[but that means exactly jackshit here, doesn't it? this isn't the dream bubbles, there's no army of ghosts to be joining up with to fight the Incredible Hulk, and he hated that idea anyway. even if that were something he was meant to go back and get involved in, it's not like he would know which direction to start flying from here.]
[it's the tiniest of sparks in the pit of misery of what it means to be a time player — or just a player of Sburb in general. the sacrifices that have to be made. that particular end goal isn't his anymore, but ... that doesn't have to mean he's been denied one entirely. right?]
[boy, that sounds. hopelessly hopeful. kind of cheesy to boot. and it'll take a while for him to really believe it in a meaningful capacity. but even if Dave doesn't know what the hell his end goal actually is, it kind of feels like Ryuji has turned him around and at least pointed in the direction he should start walking.]
Yeah. Complete butthead. [does this count as dunking yourself???]
A lot of it was completely shitty, you're right. But it wasn't all terrible. My friends all lived really far away from me, so it was cool to be able to hang out in person. Or at least know that they were somewhere in the same space I was.
Wrote some of my best raps on that meteor, too. [it's The Little Things.]
no subject
But it does stand justifiable to continue down that path of thinking. Not the part where Ryuji thoroughly believes that he's the only one allowed to torment Dave like that (he bumps up a little against him to remind him on that point), but the acceptance that it doesn't have to be a fixed end point. If there's another Dave out that that gets to do the things that he doesn't, it isn't intrinsically true that whatever this Dave does is meaningless or any less fruitful. If there were millions of universes where either copies of them existed, hell, even a Ryuji living in Tokyo right now with a fixed family, or some sort of semblance of what constitutes a much better life, that's that Ryuji's prerogative. And, given the chance to know about the existence of that Ryuji, maybe he'd feel a little jealousy over it, but, shit. He's not about to let it ruin the experiences he's had. The friends he's made along the way. The insistence of the way he feels, right here and now, sitting as he drifts along in a lonely void of space next to Dave.
Hopelessly hopeful, or whatever that looks like... it's not invalid. He's always believed that freedom has its own form of vividly beautiful aesthetic; it's something he's said over and over again to just about everyone he's met. Do what you want to in life, don't hold back. That dumb, optimistic, punk kind of attitude.]
I dunno. Bein' with people you like and sharing time together is kinda worth all the sorts of trouble it takes gettin' there. Took me a pretty damn long time to figure that out.
[They're both pretty self-sacrificing people. Ryuji isn't so far removed from the reality of that to not accept it. If he knows how far he'd go for his friends, he has an idea of what Dave would do, too. It's respectable.
And, yeah, fuck it.
Under the blanket, he reaches out and wraps an arm around his shoulder, squeezing and smiling. It's been killing him to not do it.]
True. You do have the sickest flows.
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[and, well — okay, this sort of has a lot of different connotations along with the usual ones, and yeah, he can't help tensing for a split second because of that.]
[this is ... okay, right? he thinks it might be okay. it somehow feels like this is really, officially, unwinding every single idea he'd ever had about himself, the way he thought he was, the way he thought he's supposed to be, and for that same split second it also feels like he can't breathe. just when he thought he had everything about himself, about his own place in the universe, figured out, Ryuji goes and turns it all on its side, and now he has no idea what to do about anything. like, suddenly, the last thing he wants to do is just accept what he's supposed to as a byproduct of a doomed timeline.]
[wait, shit — he just leaned in closer without realizing, didn't he? turns out while Dave's brain was panicking about whether this was really okay, the rest of him went ahead and decided that it was — it was something he desperately wanted, in fact. hearts, right.]
[there really is no keeping Ryuji at an arm's length, as it turns out. he'll be trying to sort out when he even made that decision for a while. also, try breathing, Dave. let's not have a repeat of last month.]
You're right — both those things you just said, I mean. [he'll be sorting out how entirely lame he is later, too.]
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But then again, Ryuji also doesn't think that Dave is just people, either. He knows it's true because he can almost feel his heart in his throat as he does it, and he's half expecting him to shy away after tensing. It's when he doesn't that catches Ryuji by a modest level of surprise, only deepened when he swears he can feel Dave coming closer- and he can't really tell if it's just him making it happen, or it's naturally occurring.
He's never had a problem being brave before. Why does it kick in now, when they're having a good conversation, when Dave's just peeled back a few layers of the onion exterior? Oh, right. Because Ryuji is crushing on him. That's a thing. He's so worried that he's going to misstep here that he denies himself thinking that he could do anything right when it came to romantic interest. Which is dumb. He's dumb.
It also doesn't stop him from wanting it so intensely that it lingers probably a second longer than it ought to. Putting this on instant replay, it's obvious what's going on here, but it's too in the weeds to notice it outright. Maybe if he had his way, they could always be like this. Maybe Dave could lean up against him, and Ryuji could hold him and rest his face against his hair and---
God.
Butterflies in his chest isn't the right metaphor. It's practically a fucking facehugger clawing its way straight out of him. This is cool. It's cool. He's admitted to owning these feelings, internally. Slowly, his hand unwinds its way around his shoulder, and it's so horribly idiotic how blind they are to what each of them are doing to each other.]
Damn. [To a lot of things, right now, honestly-] Feels kinda nice hearing that. Tell me that more often, yeah? I'm right. Got a nice ring to it.
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[but he blinks, sitting himself up straighter, as if he isn't really sure what just happened, or can't really fathom it. he's getting a bit tired, but it doesn't really matter, because he's going to be up the entire simulated night trying to sort out what happened anyway — or rather, how he actually feels about it. just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, racing from one explanation or feeling to the next.]
[but then, Ryuji goes and says that, and Dave, smirking in that low-key way that he does, just can't help himself.]
Yeah, okay.
[there's a pause, there, conveniently punctuated by the equally short pause in between songs.]
You've gotta actually keep being right, though.
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But maybe some recharge time is needed to separate out, to second and third guess the thoughts that are eventually going to compile in compounding order, and he won't be able to sit still again. Probably end up going for a walk, or hitting up someone's smartwatch to bug them. Sleep sounds nice but it also sounds like it'll be something near impossible to do when he thinks about this entire thing. What was it about apples and temptation, anyway?]
Asshole.
[He breathes it low, knowing full well that Dave is going to hear him say it. How to tell when Ryuji's fond of you? He curses at you without the grit behind his throaty loudness. There's an entire checklist of other things that are also pretty obvious at this point, or at least, in retrospect.]
I'm always right. [Except the times he's not, and he knows that. He knows that Dave knows that, too. Still, it's fun enough to tease and see where it goes.]