[What he had meant about having to make hard decisions was a little more complex than just that... he had offered Dave the option of stealing his heart, but told him the consequences of it and had been really insistent on him not taking that path. And Dave agreed to take the harder path, the one where he'd have to face his own desires and come to terms with them. But ultimately, if it really came down to it, and the source of corruption was out there hurting someone? Hurting Dave? Hajime wouldn't like his answer for that, probably.
Looking back on it now, knowing how things turned out the way it did, he can't argue that heart stealing was good or necessarily bad. It just was. Futaba would never have broken out of her own room if it weren't for going into her palace and removing that corruption within her. Sure, she wanted it- even blackmailed the team into doing it basically- but, still. And when compared to the original heist that began it all, Kamoshida... it's a really, really tough grey area between right and wrong.]
Thanks, dude. I'm gonna give it everything I got, but it might take a while. 'Sides, it's not really a pace I get to set. Not even sure if there's really a whole lot I can do at all, 'cept for just bein' there, I guess.
I guess it's kinda sap overload at this point but... yeah, it's worth it. I'm sorry for bein' selfish to the rest of the team and sitting out. He, uh... means a lot to me.
[God, he feels so awkward saying that to anyone.]
Which just means you're gonna have to go twice as hard, yo.
DAILY TRAINING REGIMENS.
100 situps, 100 pushups, 100 squats. Let's do it.
If you hold back, I'm gonna know
[Which is, to say, of fucking course he counts on Hajime. He knew it from the first time he went to bat for him in front of the other thieves. Hajime might say "real member," but to Ryuji, there's already no difference.]
[Hajime sure wouldn't like that one bit!! But that's a reckoning he'll come to at another time.]
it'll take as long as it takes, there's nothing selfish about it. dave's a good guy, and i think you being there for him is going to help a lot more than you think
go twice as hard doing what though, shooting foam bullets at shadows? twice of nothing is still nothing, dude. if you just want a workout partner, that's fine, but i don't think a bunch of pushups are going to really help turn a toy gun into a real one
[Heh... those are... definitely some kind words from Hajime, but lucky for him, he doesn't drag that out any more than it needs to be. He's going to do his best to be there for him. He wants to be whatever he needs, and whatever form that takes is where his head is at. So, they'll figure it out eventually.]
That's 'cause you've got a mental block in your head stoppin' you.
Look, dude. There ain't no other reason. What you're lackin' ain't muscle, it's confidence. The ability to believe in yourself and that you have the power to change things. Once you get that goin', those foam bullets will turn into the real goddamn deal.
[Ryuji doesn't pull any punches though, huh? Straight to the confidence issue. His inability to believe that he can do something as the person he is now.]
i'll try to work on that
it sucks, you know? that she has to protect me in there. her, or that asshole akechi. even jennifer was able to just shoot them, like it was nothing.
[Dwelling on that stuff is the exact opposite of trying to work on his confidence, but, hey, he just said he'd try.]
I dunno what you could consider an expert to be when it comes to Metaverse shit, but if Haru and me are saying the same thing, I'm guessing I hit the nail on the head, dude.
And yeah, sure. It sucks that you can't protect her, I'm not gonna pussy foot around that, but we've also been doing this for a lot longer than you have.
Thinking that you're not able to do anything, though... if you keep comparing yourself to everyone else, it's like starting a track heat but never pushing off the lift to actually start running. You're too worried about how everyone else is faster than you, and then you never even complete the race.
...you're right, though. it's why i wanted to go to hope's peak in the first place. to become someone with confidence
the person who was able to befriend all of tanaka's classmates? the hajime hinata who was able to stand side-by-side with other super high school levels and make them think he was their classmate? tanaka knows someone who isn't me, and i can't figure out how to become that person on my own
if i were talented, i bet i could make that stupid gun work, no problem
Okay, let's say that I was some amazing super high school level runner, right? I go into the metaverse and what am I gonna believe about myself? That I can run really well. That seriously has no freaking bearing on whether or not I could be flexible enough to believe a nerf gun is a real gun. If anything, it'd probably feel more like bullshit since my head would be up my ass about what I'm good at and not what I need to do in order to survive.
It's completely in your head, man
And if Gundam saw you like that in your own future, that means you've already gotten there. You know the endpoint, you already know that future you could probably be able to do it, so like. At least start there, I guess?
But of course Ryuji wouldn't get it. Even if it is all in his head, what difference does that make? He can't change that way of thinking so easily, not when he knows that the only reason a whole class of SHSLs would accept him is because they thought he was someone talented. If the Kamukura Project succeeded, that would explain everything, wouldn't it? Except Hajime has no way of accessing that here. There's not a single Hope's Peak researcher on this entire station who's made themselves known, let alone anyone else involved in the Project.]
idk i thought i could become that kind of person, that being around people like you and haru and ezra and even erika, in her own way, could rub off on me. but akechi's right, i'm just following after you guys trying to belong, when i can't even use the stupid gun
[He erases all that without sending it, though, just taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh. What's he trying to prove, beating himself up in front of Ryuji? It's not going to help.]
i guess you're right. hopefully i have enough time to figure it out before someone gets hurt
hey, maybe going to the gym will help after all, you never know. think you can actually handle that routine you were putting down?
[Rude!!! The only person allowed to bully Hajime is Ryuji.]
My mask didn't even appear until someone was about to get hurt. I'm not saying to go in there and, like, do something stupid or anything, but there's something to be said about your true self coming out when you're up against adversity.
I dunno if working out will really help you though. You got those beefcake ass muscles already, so that's not the source of your lack of confidence, y'know?
I mean I'd never turn down going with ya, you're my bro and it'd be better than doing it alone for real. Just make sure you bring a change of undies.
All that said, though. If it's a mental thing, what do you think would help you feel more accepting of yourself? There's a block, which means you gotta figure out what that shape is, or what it's doing to you. Have you found your own shadow yet?
[It's not totally wrong though. And it's easier to refute than... all the rest. Hajime just shakes his head to himself.]
i didn't really go looking for it, no... after what you just told me about dave's, i feel like i probably shouldn't, either.
i thought the shadows i went up against were "true adversity", but... nothing happened. nothing changed. maybe this is my true self, and i can't change that
[Oh... huh. He's met a few shadows before, seen what lays beneath the layers of people and how genuinely horrible they can be. But he's never seen a shadow behave like Dave's. He feels like it's an outlier of sorts, and... honestly]
I wouldn't say Dave's is the norm, dude. And who knows, it's probably completely chill with other people approaching it, but because it's me... Eh, you get where I'm goin' with this.
True self is also kinda a weird thing to think about, since. Us persona users don't have shadows, right? But I don't think that any of us particularly had our shit together. We're just more inclined to deal with those problems, or something.
And even if you don't ever manifest a mask, that's. You know. It's cool, too. But just because it ain't like, a PHYSICAL MASK you can peel off, you still wear one. Everybody does. There are things you think or things you know that you probably don't want people to know about. That's, like, completely normal dude. It's impossible to go through life without one, is what I'm tryin' to say. But if you get too attached to that shit, then it also makes it really hard to grow as a person.
Man, I'm probably talkin' your ear off, sorry man.
But I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Dave, I guess. That it takes time. The easy solution's stealin' a person's heart and taking their masks away from them so that they can't hide anymore. But that ain't always the right way to go. You gotta work through shit and that's cool. It's completely okay to not be okay.
Futaba had a shadow before becoming a persona user. She was our group's hacker, but like, it took a while to figure out what was going on with her. She locked herself up in her room and we had to save her from memories of her mom so that she could move on.
Dude...
I would never do that
Stealing hearts is a last resort. I figure... being a real hero is knowing how to use restraint in the face of taking the easy way outta shit. What's good having powers if you can destroy whatever you touch, y'know?
i'm glad more of your friends aren't here so they don't have to go through all this bullshit, but still... i wish i could meet them.
and... thanks. i figured it went without saying, but, like... idk it's stupid to say outloud, but i want my choices to be my own. even if they're stupid decisions, or even if i've made a choice everyone i know would hate, i don't want to doubt that it's my decision, you know?
i like your description of a hero though
[Even if he's already made that decision, and it can't be changed, he doesn't want to regret it just because someone else thinks he should.
To Hajime, Ryuji is a real hero already. But he won't say so, not like this.]
It's super goddamn selfish of me but I wish I could take you back to my Tokyo. I dunno, maybe I just don't wanna think about what life would be like without you around at this point. Too sappy? Way too damn sappy. I'll cut back on the levels of maple syrup drip that's currently stickin' all over my hands right now.
But also, I think it's gotta be said that like
I ain't really great at all this hero shit to begin with
[He's really not that great of a person, Hajime... he knows that. When it comes down to it, he'll use those powers to stop people from being hurt, their choice to do it or not. He said last resort, but the last resort option has been the same path that he's had to take almost every step of the way.
If Hajime had a palace, this would be a very different discussion. But that's not the case here, the things that are holding him back are problems of his own devices. And in this case, protecting Hajime is the same as making sure nothing touches his heart in the Metaverse. It's all about perspective, which is why the Phantom Thieves operate in a pocket that represents an avenger's understanding of justice. He just... doesn't know how to convey that to Hajime the right way.]
Hey, at least the next time the gravity gets all shitted up around here, you know where my ass will be. Covered in stuck, premium levels of it. Ain't moving a goddamn inch.
Not a problem, dude. I overshare pretty regularly.
well that's a relief. can't have you floating away now
[And that's all the reply he gets for-- several minutes. Hajime's teeth worry at his lower lip as he tries to think about how, exactly, he wants to respond to that question. Ryuji has shared everything with him, it feels like, and yet...]
the hope's peak board of directors asked me to participate in a special project. i need to go back to do it
[When the silence hits for longer than a minute, he figures that he won't push. Whatever it was, considering their flow of conversation was cut abruptly there... it's probably something that means a lot to Hajime. It's cool, he really doesn't mind.]
Man... if your only reason for going back was to do some dumb after school program I'm gonna kick your ass and drag you with me anyway
*hajime hinata voice* if only........ i had TALENT......
but it's something only i can do. i'm sure it's the reason why tanaka thought i was part of his class, there's no other explanation for that
when i first got to this station, i thought this was part of that project, somehow. tbh sometimes i still think that maybe it is part of it, and it's some elaborate scenario to test me, but there's no way that's possible. there's way too much evidence against it at this point.
as fucked up as this station is, though... as important as the project is, idk if i want to go back if it means saying goodbye to you and all the others.
crap, i'm going to be the one standing in maple syrup if i keep that up, so don't think about it too much
There's probably a bunch of reasons that Gundam thought you were part of his class. Have you like, asked him, maybe? For all you know it could be like, some bullshit alternate universe or something.
Yeah, nah. No offense or anything but that sorta testing is way beyond a school's budget. Shit, Kawakami-sensei had to moonlight as a maid to make ends meet or some shit like that
[A pause, because Hajime struck a chord with Ryuji that he had felt but was way, way too chicken shit to affirm. Because leaving here would mean...]
Wait, really?
You ain't shitting me, right dude?
Because sometimes I kinda feel the same way and it's really fucking weird.
c'mon, what are the odds of that? the way people get to this station is messed up, but there's no reason to bring me and tanaka from something like that. it makes more sense to think he is from my future... in that case, i'm going to have to be a part of that island-trip, too.
gundam said the hinata he knew had just... forgotten his talent. or said he had, anyway. meaning either i lied to them all, and they believed something stupid like that for some reason, or it's true, and i do have a talent after all. they wouldn't put a normal kid like me with a group of shsls unless there was a reason for it
...hang on, did you say one of your teachers was also a MAID??
[What.... the fuck]
but yeah, it is weird, isn't it? i mean, it sucks here. something or someone is actively trying to kill us.
but if i never came here, i'd never have met you or haru or erika or ezra or anyone else here. idk it's weird to say but
If you're askin' if Gundam's the type of dude who will lie to protect you I'm gonna point to a big fuckin sign that says ABSOLUTELY YES so I dunno what to believe here man
[God, Hajime and Dave have such bad potty mouths.
Affecting a soft, good boy like this into following down their dirty, sinful paths.]
Yeah, maid
What's the point anyway, we keep on surviving even if we end up dying. Kinda stupid if you ask me. Like, thanks? I guess. Whoever's reading this. Yeah you know I'm talkin to you. Come down here and fight me.
Anyway
Yeah I know what you mean.
Back home I didn't really have my shit together. But being here with you guys... it's kinda hard to put it the right way. But I feel more like... me? More free when I'm around you. And of course, yeah. I don't wanna say goodbye to Dave.
you're right... idk what to think about it anymore
also you know that's like, really not normal, right
dude don't antagonize them!! they really don't need a target!!
i miss nanami from home, she's a really, really important person to me, but i barely got the chance to know her. i've been with you guys... hell, it's been almost half a year by now, hasn't it?
and... yeah. i know what you mean. it's like... being free from other people's expectations, right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Looking back on it now, knowing how things turned out the way it did, he can't argue that heart stealing was good or necessarily bad. It just was. Futaba would never have broken out of her own room if it weren't for going into her palace and removing that corruption within her. Sure, she wanted it- even blackmailed the team into doing it basically- but, still. And when compared to the original heist that began it all, Kamoshida... it's a really, really tough grey area between right and wrong.]
Thanks, dude. I'm gonna give it everything I got, but it might take a while. 'Sides, it's not really a pace I get to set. Not even sure if there's really a whole lot I can do at all, 'cept for just bein' there, I guess.
I guess it's kinda sap overload at this point but... yeah, it's worth it. I'm sorry for bein' selfish to the rest of the team and sitting out. He, uh... means a lot to me.
[God, he feels so awkward saying that to anyone.]
Which just means you're gonna have to go twice as hard, yo.
DAILY TRAINING REGIMENS.
100 situps, 100 pushups, 100 squats. Let's do it.
If you hold back, I'm gonna know
[Which is, to say, of fucking course he counts on Hajime. He knew it from the first time he went to bat for him in front of the other thieves. Hajime might say "real member," but to Ryuji, there's already no difference.]
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it'll take as long as it takes, there's nothing selfish about it. dave's a good guy, and i think you being there for him is going to help a lot more than you think
go twice as hard doing what though, shooting foam bullets at shadows? twice of nothing is still nothing, dude. if you just want a workout partner, that's fine, but i don't think a bunch of pushups are going to really help turn a toy gun into a real one
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That's 'cause you've got a mental block in your head stoppin' you.
Look, dude. There ain't no other reason. What you're lackin' ain't muscle, it's confidence. The ability to believe in yourself and that you have the power to change things. Once you get that goin', those foam bullets will turn into the real goddamn deal.
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haru said basically the same thing
[Ryuji doesn't pull any punches though, huh? Straight to the confidence issue. His inability to believe that he can do something as the person he is now.]
i'll try to work on that
it sucks, you know? that she has to protect me in there. her, or that asshole akechi. even jennifer was able to just shoot them, like it was nothing.
[Dwelling on that stuff is the exact opposite of trying to work on his confidence, but, hey, he just said he'd try.]
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And yeah, sure. It sucks that you can't protect her, I'm not gonna pussy foot around that, but we've also been doing this for a lot longer than you have.
Thinking that you're not able to do anything, though... if you keep comparing yourself to everyone else, it's like starting a track heat but never pushing off the lift to actually start running. You're too worried about how everyone else is faster than you, and then you never even complete the race.
1/2
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the person who was able to befriend all of tanaka's classmates? the hajime hinata who was able to stand side-by-side with other super high school levels and make them think he was their classmate? tanaka knows someone who isn't me, and i can't figure out how to become that person on my own
if i were talented, i bet i could make that stupid gun work, no problem
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That's not how cognition works, dude.
Okay, let's say that I was some amazing super high school level runner, right? I go into the metaverse and what am I gonna believe about myself? That I can run really well. That seriously has no freaking bearing on whether or not I could be flexible enough to believe a nerf gun is a real gun. If anything, it'd probably feel more like bullshit since my head would be up my ass about what I'm good at and not what I need to do in order to survive.
It's completely in your head, man
And if Gundam saw you like that in your own future, that means you've already gotten there. You know the endpoint, you already know that future you could probably be able to do it, so like. At least start there, I guess?
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But of course Ryuji wouldn't get it. Even if it is all in his head, what difference does that make? He can't change that way of thinking so easily, not when he knows that the only reason a whole class of SHSLs would accept him is because they thought he was someone talented. If the Kamukura Project succeeded, that would explain everything, wouldn't it? Except Hajime has no way of accessing that here. There's not a single Hope's Peak researcher on this entire station who's made themselves known, let alone anyone else involved in the Project.]
idk i thought i could become that kind of person, that being around people like you and haru and ezra and even erika, in her own way, could rub off on me. but akechi's right, i'm just following after you guys trying to belong, when i can't even use the stupid gun[He erases all that without sending it, though, just taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh. What's he trying to prove, beating himself up in front of Ryuji? It's not going to help.]
i guess you're right. hopefully i have enough time to figure it out before someone gets hurt
hey, maybe going to the gym will help after all, you never know. think you can actually handle that routine you were putting down?
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My mask didn't even appear until someone was about to get hurt. I'm not saying to go in there and, like, do something stupid or anything, but there's something to be said about your true self coming out when you're up against adversity.
I dunno if working out will really help you though. You got those beefcake ass muscles already, so that's not the source of your lack of confidence, y'know?
I mean I'd never turn down going with ya, you're my bro and it'd be better than doing it alone for real. Just make sure you bring a change of undies.
All that said, though. If it's a mental thing, what do you think would help you feel more accepting of yourself? There's a block, which means you gotta figure out what that shape is, or what it's doing to you. Have you found your own shadow yet?
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[It's not totally wrong though. And it's easier to refute than... all the rest. Hajime just shakes his head to himself.]
i didn't really go looking for it, no... after what you just told me about dave's, i feel like i probably shouldn't, either.
i thought the shadows i went up against were "true adversity", but... nothing happened. nothing changed. maybe this is my true self, and i can't change that
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I wouldn't say Dave's is the norm, dude. And who knows, it's probably completely chill with other people approaching it, but because it's me... Eh, you get where I'm goin' with this.
True self is also kinda a weird thing to think about, since. Us persona users don't have shadows, right? But I don't think that any of us particularly had our shit together. We're just more inclined to deal with those problems, or something.
And even if you don't ever manifest a mask, that's. You know. It's cool, too. But just because it ain't like, a PHYSICAL MASK you can peel off, you still wear one. Everybody does. There are things you think or things you know that you probably don't want people to know about. That's, like, completely normal dude. It's impossible to go through life without one, is what I'm tryin' to say. But if you get too attached to that shit, then it also makes it really hard to grow as a person.
Man, I'm probably talkin' your ear off, sorry man.
But I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Dave, I guess. That it takes time. The easy solution's stealin' a person's heart and taking their masks away from them so that they can't hide anymore. But that ain't always the right way to go. You gotta work through shit and that's cool. It's completely okay to not be okay.
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...but if i find it, the fact that it exists means i definitely won't be able to use a persona like you and haru, huh?
hey. can you promise me something?
just... don't ever try to steal my heart
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Dude...
I would never do that
Stealing hearts is a last resort. I figure... being a real hero is knowing how to use restraint in the face of taking the easy way outta shit. What's good having powers if you can destroy whatever you touch, y'know?
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and... thanks. i figured it went without saying, but, like... idk it's stupid to say outloud, but i want my choices to be my own. even if they're stupid decisions, or even if i've made a choice everyone i know would hate, i don't want to doubt that it's my decision, you know?
i like your description of a hero though
[Even if he's already made that decision, and it can't be changed, he doesn't want to regret it just because someone else thinks he should.
To Hajime, Ryuji is a real hero already. But he won't say so, not like this.]
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But also, I think it's gotta be said that like
I ain't really great at all this hero shit to begin with
[He's really not that great of a person, Hajime... he knows that. When it comes down to it, he'll use those powers to stop people from being hurt, their choice to do it or not. He said last resort, but the last resort option has been the same path that he's had to take almost every step of the way.
If Hajime had a palace, this would be a very different discussion. But that's not the case here, the things that are holding him back are problems of his own devices. And in this case, protecting Hajime is the same as making sure nothing touches his heart in the Metaverse. It's all about perspective, which is why the Phantom Thieves operate in a pocket that represents an avenger's understanding of justice. He just... doesn't know how to convey that to Hajime the right way.]
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but you know? i almost want to go to your tokyo with you. if i didn't have something i had to do in my tokyo, i probably would try to go with you.
but... thanks, ryuji. seriously. i don't even want to think about what this station would be like without you, "great hero" or not
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Not a problem, dude. I overshare pretty regularly.
What'd you have left to do in Tokyo?
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[And that's all the reply he gets for-- several minutes. Hajime's teeth worry at his lower lip as he tries to think about how, exactly, he wants to respond to that question. Ryuji has shared everything with him, it feels like, and yet...]
the hope's peak board of directors asked me to participate in a special project. i need to go back to do it
that fucking staring at hand icon
Man... if your only reason for going back was to do some dumb after school program I'm gonna kick your ass and drag you with me anyway
*hajime hinata voice* if only........ i had TALENT......
but it's something only i can do. i'm sure it's the reason why tanaka thought i was part of his class, there's no other explanation for that
when i first got to this station, i thought this was part of that project, somehow. tbh sometimes i still think that maybe it is part of it, and it's some elaborate scenario to test me, but there's no way that's possible. there's way too much evidence against it at this point.
as fucked up as this station is, though... as important as the project is, idk if i want to go back if it means saying goodbye to you and all the others.
crap, i'm going to be the one standing in maple syrup if i keep that up, so don't think about it too much
to be a man you must have talent and a
Yeah, nah. No offense or anything but that sorta testing is way beyond a school's budget. Shit, Kawakami-sensei had to moonlight as a maid to make ends meet or some shit like that
[A pause, because Hajime struck a chord with Ryuji that he had felt but was way, way too chicken shit to affirm. Because leaving here would mean...]
Wait, really?
You ain't shitting me, right dude?
Because sometimes I kinda feel the same way and it's really fucking weird.
no!!
gundam said the hinata he knew had just... forgotten his talent. or said he had, anyway. meaning either i lied to them all, and they believed something stupid like that for some reason, or it's true, and i do have a talent after all. they wouldn't put a normal kid like me with a group of shsls unless there was a reason for it
...hang on, did you say one of your teachers was also a MAID??
[What.... the fuck]
but yeah, it is weird, isn't it? i mean, it sucks here. something or someone is actively trying to kill us.
but if i never came here, i'd never have met you or haru or erika or ezra or anyone else here. idk it's weird to say but
you know what i mean
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You know what.]
If you're askin' if Gundam's the type of dude who will lie to protect you I'm gonna point to a big fuckin sign that says ABSOLUTELY YES so I dunno what to believe here man
[God, Hajime and Dave have such bad potty mouths.
Affecting a soft, good boy like this into following down their dirty, sinful paths.]
Yeah, maid
What's the point anyway, we keep on surviving even if we end up dying. Kinda stupid if you ask me. Like, thanks? I guess. Whoever's reading this. Yeah you know I'm talkin to you. Come down here and fight me.
Anyway
Yeah I know what you mean.
Back home I didn't really have my shit together. But being here with you guys... it's kinda hard to put it the right way. But I feel more like... me? More free when I'm around you. And of course, yeah. I don't wanna say goodbye to Dave.
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you're right... idk what to think about it anymore
also you know that's like, really not normal, right
dude don't antagonize them!! they really don't need a target!!
i miss nanami from home, she's a really, really important person to me, but i barely got the chance to know her. i've been with you guys... hell, it's been almost half a year by now, hasn't it?
and... yeah. i know what you mean. it's like... being free from other people's expectations, right?
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