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[ Ryuji's hypothesis that this might be It for for them all as stuck around, in spite everything. It isn't a welcome thought but a hanger-on, an arrow that found a crumbled, weak divot in a wall under siege and has stubbornly refused to be shed by rain or time. 2B comes to mind, her disappearance matching up closer with Ren's idea of how this place worked, but he didn't relish the idea of becoming complacent with his existence even while he did thanks to the small comfort that, yeah, maybe people did go back home and that was it.
Ren was done with his primary task. Yaldabaoth was defeated and he had as clean a slate as he was going to get, backed by friends that were far away for the present but that he could reach any time of day or night. It made sense that he was focused on a future and his connections and largely spent his time on the station reinforcing those to whatever end. Even if that end was painful it existed. Even if he too went away, there was a time that something otherwise impossible was real and it wouldn't be true to himself to shut himself off from the possibilities.
Which leads to - ]
Hm? [ A bit of playacting for Ryuji's benefit; Ren's hyperawareness of him does no one good and moreover when things get quiet it's easy to hear the cogs struggling to turn, figuring out how to go on from here. ] Yeah, that'd be chill. I didn't get much to eat early today on account of PTSD.
[ Waking up, eating, then going back to sleep seemed better than whatever it is he was supposed to do now, anyway. But that would be tipping his hand that he's not the one that, when the playing field was even and his emotions weren't being amplified beyond his ability to control them, could stand there and punch numbers in in lieu of, what, clearing out of the area because it sucks to have to know that the tension creeping into the quiet is because of you and only you.
The question keeps raising the longer he doesn't follow up. Or, a question mark really, infuriating and inscrutable but demanding to be addressed. The whole subject is that and Ren doesn't feel right in breaking a tenuous peace when Ryuji won't. Ryuji doesn't have the tools and Ren is wounded and none of it is fair.
So, to barrel through or let him off the hook? Ren is self-sacrificial. On those grounds he knows the answer, but that's to say that he'll be letting Ryuji off the hook from having to address this for the rest of their lives at this rate. The yellow blur in the corner of his vision draws his eye. ]
You okay?
[ It's a start. ]
Ren was done with his primary task. Yaldabaoth was defeated and he had as clean a slate as he was going to get, backed by friends that were far away for the present but that he could reach any time of day or night. It made sense that he was focused on a future and his connections and largely spent his time on the station reinforcing those to whatever end. Even if that end was painful it existed. Even if he too went away, there was a time that something otherwise impossible was real and it wouldn't be true to himself to shut himself off from the possibilities.
Which leads to - ]
Hm? [ A bit of playacting for Ryuji's benefit; Ren's hyperawareness of him does no one good and moreover when things get quiet it's easy to hear the cogs struggling to turn, figuring out how to go on from here. ] Yeah, that'd be chill. I didn't get much to eat early today on account of PTSD.
[ Waking up, eating, then going back to sleep seemed better than whatever it is he was supposed to do now, anyway. But that would be tipping his hand that he's not the one that, when the playing field was even and his emotions weren't being amplified beyond his ability to control them, could stand there and punch numbers in in lieu of, what, clearing out of the area because it sucks to have to know that the tension creeping into the quiet is because of you and only you.
The question keeps raising the longer he doesn't follow up. Or, a question mark really, infuriating and inscrutable but demanding to be addressed. The whole subject is that and Ren doesn't feel right in breaking a tenuous peace when Ryuji won't. Ryuji doesn't have the tools and Ren is wounded and none of it is fair.
So, to barrel through or let him off the hook? Ren is self-sacrificial. On those grounds he knows the answer, but that's to say that he'll be letting Ryuji off the hook from having to address this for the rest of their lives at this rate. The yellow blur in the corner of his vision draws his eye. ]
You okay?
[ It's a start. ]
[if Dave and Ryuji hadn't pretty much immediately gotten into a physical thumb war altercation the second they first met, and if Ryuji had not placed an affable hand on his shoulder after holding a somber service for their fallen burrito comrade, then Dave might be reacting a lot differently to the contact now.]
[and, well — okay, this sort of has a lot of different connotations along with the usual ones, and yeah, he can't help tensing for a split second because of that.]
[this is ... okay, right? he thinks it might be okay. it somehow feels like this is really, officially, unwinding every single idea he'd ever had about himself, the way he thought he was, the way he thought he's supposed to be, and for that same split second it also feels like he can't breathe. just when he thought he had everything about himself, about his own place in the universe, figured out, Ryuji goes and turns it all on its side, and now he has no idea what to do about anything. like, suddenly, the last thing he wants to do is just accept what he's supposed to as a byproduct of a doomed timeline.]
[wait, shit — he just leaned in closer without realizing, didn't he? turns out while Dave's brain was panicking about whether this was really okay, the rest of him went ahead and decided that it was — it was something he desperately wanted, in fact. hearts, right.]
[there really is no keeping Ryuji at an arm's length, as it turns out. he'll be trying to sort out when he even made that decision for a while. also, try breathing, Dave. let's not have a repeat of last month.]
You're right — both those things you just said, I mean. [he'll be sorting out how entirely lame he is later, too.]
[and, well — okay, this sort of has a lot of different connotations along with the usual ones, and yeah, he can't help tensing for a split second because of that.]
[this is ... okay, right? he thinks it might be okay. it somehow feels like this is really, officially, unwinding every single idea he'd ever had about himself, the way he thought he was, the way he thought he's supposed to be, and for that same split second it also feels like he can't breathe. just when he thought he had everything about himself, about his own place in the universe, figured out, Ryuji goes and turns it all on its side, and now he has no idea what to do about anything. like, suddenly, the last thing he wants to do is just accept what he's supposed to as a byproduct of a doomed timeline.]
[wait, shit — he just leaned in closer without realizing, didn't he? turns out while Dave's brain was panicking about whether this was really okay, the rest of him went ahead and decided that it was — it was something he desperately wanted, in fact. hearts, right.]
[there really is no keeping Ryuji at an arm's length, as it turns out. he'll be trying to sort out when he even made that decision for a while. also, try breathing, Dave. let's not have a repeat of last month.]
You're right — both those things you just said, I mean. [he'll be sorting out how entirely lame he is later, too.]
[At first, the tensing up doesn't go unnoticed and he starts to think that maybe he's overdoing it? Pushing too much, or something, because really. A guy that wears shades all the time to hide a part of his face doesn't exactly scream the mantra of "hey, I like to be touched." Which is pretty contrasting to Ryuji's open personality, constantly looking to hang off of people like a monkey from a tree.
But then again, Ryuji also doesn't think that Dave is just people, either. He knows it's true because he can almost feel his heart in his throat as he does it, and he's half expecting him to shy away after tensing. It's when he doesn't that catches Ryuji by a modest level of surprise, only deepened when he swears he can feel Dave coming closer- and he can't really tell if it's just him making it happen, or it's naturally occurring.
He's never had a problem being brave before. Why does it kick in now, when they're having a good conversation, when Dave's just peeled back a few layers of the onion exterior? Oh, right. Because Ryuji is crushing on him. That's a thing. He's so worried that he's going to misstep here that he denies himself thinking that he could do anything right when it came to romantic interest. Which is dumb. He's dumb.
It also doesn't stop him from wanting it so intensely that it lingers probably a second longer than it ought to. Putting this on instant replay, it's obvious what's going on here, but it's too in the weeds to notice it outright. Maybe if he had his way, they could always be like this. Maybe Dave could lean up against him, and Ryuji could hold him and rest his face against his hair and---
God.
Butterflies in his chest isn't the right metaphor. It's practically a fucking facehugger clawing its way straight out of him. This is cool. It's cool. He's admitted to owning these feelings, internally. Slowly, his hand unwinds its way around his shoulder, and it's so horribly idiotic how blind they are to what each of them are doing to each other.]
Damn. [To a lot of things, right now, honestly-] Feels kinda nice hearing that. Tell me that more often, yeah? I'm right. Got a nice ring to it.
But then again, Ryuji also doesn't think that Dave is just people, either. He knows it's true because he can almost feel his heart in his throat as he does it, and he's half expecting him to shy away after tensing. It's when he doesn't that catches Ryuji by a modest level of surprise, only deepened when he swears he can feel Dave coming closer- and he can't really tell if it's just him making it happen, or it's naturally occurring.
He's never had a problem being brave before. Why does it kick in now, when they're having a good conversation, when Dave's just peeled back a few layers of the onion exterior? Oh, right. Because Ryuji is crushing on him. That's a thing. He's so worried that he's going to misstep here that he denies himself thinking that he could do anything right when it came to romantic interest. Which is dumb. He's dumb.
It also doesn't stop him from wanting it so intensely that it lingers probably a second longer than it ought to. Putting this on instant replay, it's obvious what's going on here, but it's too in the weeds to notice it outright. Maybe if he had his way, they could always be like this. Maybe Dave could lean up against him, and Ryuji could hold him and rest his face against his hair and---
God.
Butterflies in his chest isn't the right metaphor. It's practically a fucking facehugger clawing its way straight out of him. This is cool. It's cool. He's admitted to owning these feelings, internally. Slowly, his hand unwinds its way around his shoulder, and it's so horribly idiotic how blind they are to what each of them are doing to each other.]
Damn. [To a lot of things, right now, honestly-] Feels kinda nice hearing that. Tell me that more often, yeah? I'm right. Got a nice ring to it.
[On account of PTSD.
Well, fuck. He ain't wrong about that. Ryuji's still dumb to the fact that the food was tampered with to begin with, blissfully unaware that the reason he was crying was due to some spoiled ass ramen and not his feebly latticed emotional state. It would've probably made things a little more manageable; might have helped him realize that it wasn't something naturally occurring from the lack of sleep and made him feel less shitty about his numerous breakdowns during the seven days of pure hell.
But the thing is. Ryuji's a runner. In a lot of aspects of his life. He ran to forget about all the things that were going on at home. He ran to get away from the pressure of poor performance in school. He ran away from his own problems, too, to some extent. As much as he touted his ability to tackle things head on, it was pretty much... the things that were hurting other people. It's stupidly self sacrificial, and probably one of his worst quality traits. But it's also... it's Ren. He always wants to do better, or be more than he really was, when it came to anything involving his best friend.
So when he asks if he's okay, he nods. He's alright. And if he's not, he will be. Is Ren alright?]
I mean. Yeah, I guess. [He does need to work on being a little less awkward, too.]
Actually. It's kind of up in the air? I mean, I'm usually fine as a general sort of rule of thumb here, but. I'm not okay if you're not okay, and I don't really know how you're doin'. Which means I don't know how I'm doin' either? If that makes sense. [It... definitely doesn't. He sighs, rubbing the back of an opposing elbow with his hand.]
I mean, about... how you feel about me.
Well, fuck. He ain't wrong about that. Ryuji's still dumb to the fact that the food was tampered with to begin with, blissfully unaware that the reason he was crying was due to some spoiled ass ramen and not his feebly latticed emotional state. It would've probably made things a little more manageable; might have helped him realize that it wasn't something naturally occurring from the lack of sleep and made him feel less shitty about his numerous breakdowns during the seven days of pure hell.
But the thing is. Ryuji's a runner. In a lot of aspects of his life. He ran to forget about all the things that were going on at home. He ran to get away from the pressure of poor performance in school. He ran away from his own problems, too, to some extent. As much as he touted his ability to tackle things head on, it was pretty much... the things that were hurting other people. It's stupidly self sacrificial, and probably one of his worst quality traits. But it's also... it's Ren. He always wants to do better, or be more than he really was, when it came to anything involving his best friend.
So when he asks if he's okay, he nods. He's alright. And if he's not, he will be. Is Ren alright?]
I mean. Yeah, I guess. [He does need to work on being a little less awkward, too.]
Actually. It's kind of up in the air? I mean, I'm usually fine as a general sort of rule of thumb here, but. I'm not okay if you're not okay, and I don't really know how you're doin'. Which means I don't know how I'm doin' either? If that makes sense. [It... definitely doesn't. He sighs, rubbing the back of an opposing elbow with his hand.]
I mean, about... how you feel about me.
[ There's something almost punitive about asking someone how they're doing when the answer is ninety nine percent likely to be Not great, Bob! Resisting the instinct toward bitterness is harder than it looks and yet all that's drawn out of Ren is a beleaguered, quiet sigh that makes his shoulders droop a little after.
Ryuji's mood is dependent on Ren's, and Ren's is dependent on whether or not he gets to keep being around Ryuji. Dependent is a word that comes up frequently when discussing them as a unit, cloaked in other, less damning phrases - to rely on, count on, lean on. So it's not a big surprise that Ryuji's uncertain because he doesn't know where Ren's head is at. But isn't it obvious? Ren might be so good at hiding his thoughts that not even Ryuji can see past it now, or there's willful ignorance.
Or he's still protecting Ren's feelings, and damn if that doesn't seem right. Self-sacrificing? Also chicken shit, in some respects. It puts Ren in the position of arbiter of feelings, deciding whether to protect Ryuji in return, or if adhering to their history of brutal honesty is worth the shellacking he's sure Ryuji will give himself.
I mean, about... how you feel about me. Since when do you talk in soft vagaries to Ren, man.
I'm not okay if you're not okay. Not that Ren hasn't done the same in the past, but how magnanimous of you. ]
Not much different. New day, new coat of paint to throw on it.
[ Ren's not stopping the work, needing at the very least a visual barrier, a mechanical means of not zeroing in on the beating heart of the matter. ]
You... were pretty final that I have no chance and then some stupid food made me cry for hours after that.
Like, I don't even get to be sad that you obviously like someone that isn't me if you had that realization, cuz I'm your best friend. And I am happy for you.
I dunno what you wanted to hear. We're not in the habit of lying to each other.
Ryuji's mood is dependent on Ren's, and Ren's is dependent on whether or not he gets to keep being around Ryuji. Dependent is a word that comes up frequently when discussing them as a unit, cloaked in other, less damning phrases - to rely on, count on, lean on. So it's not a big surprise that Ryuji's uncertain because he doesn't know where Ren's head is at. But isn't it obvious? Ren might be so good at hiding his thoughts that not even Ryuji can see past it now, or there's willful ignorance.
Or he's still protecting Ren's feelings, and damn if that doesn't seem right. Self-sacrificing? Also chicken shit, in some respects. It puts Ren in the position of arbiter of feelings, deciding whether to protect Ryuji in return, or if adhering to their history of brutal honesty is worth the shellacking he's sure Ryuji will give himself.
I mean, about... how you feel about me. Since when do you talk in soft vagaries to Ren, man.
I'm not okay if you're not okay. Not that Ren hasn't done the same in the past, but how magnanimous of you. ]
Not much different. New day, new coat of paint to throw on it.
[ Ren's not stopping the work, needing at the very least a visual barrier, a mechanical means of not zeroing in on the beating heart of the matter. ]
You... were pretty final that I have no chance and then some stupid food made me cry for hours after that.
Like, I don't even get to be sad that you obviously like someone that isn't me if you had that realization, cuz I'm your best friend. And I am happy for you.
I dunno what you wanted to hear. We're not in the habit of lying to each other.
[it almost feels like Ryuji had him in some sort of sleeper hold there, that if he had held on to Dave a little longer, he could have actually fallen asleep and Ryuji would have gotten the scenario he had been imagining. it is getting late, and they have been listening to music for a while. it doesn't ... really seem like he's overstayed his welcome, though, if he's reading the room right?]
[but he blinks, sitting himself up straighter, as if he isn't really sure what just happened, or can't really fathom it. he's getting a bit tired, but it doesn't really matter, because he's going to be up the entire simulated night trying to sort out what happened anyway — or rather, how he actually feels about it. just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, racing from one explanation or feeling to the next.]
[but then, Ryuji goes and says that, and Dave, smirking in that low-key way that he does, just can't help himself.]
Yeah, okay.
[there's a pause, there, conveniently punctuated by the equally short pause in between songs.]
You've gotta actually keep being right, though.
[but he blinks, sitting himself up straighter, as if he isn't really sure what just happened, or can't really fathom it. he's getting a bit tired, but it doesn't really matter, because he's going to be up the entire simulated night trying to sort out what happened anyway — or rather, how he actually feels about it. just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, racing from one explanation or feeling to the next.]
[but then, Ryuji goes and says that, and Dave, smirking in that low-key way that he does, just can't help himself.]
Yeah, okay.
[there's a pause, there, conveniently punctuated by the equally short pause in between songs.]
You've gotta actually keep being right, though.
[Adding to the incredibly long list of powers that Dave already has, each one more discrete and situationally useful than the last, he's definitely read the mood right. He can stay as long as he wants or as little as he wants, because Ryuji's chill with whatever. If "whatever" means secretly being here as long as possible, of course. Maybe he should be more honest with his preferences, but that's at least, what? Two more weeks away? Hmmm...
But maybe some recharge time is needed to separate out, to second and third guess the thoughts that are eventually going to compile in compounding order, and he won't be able to sit still again. Probably end up going for a walk, or hitting up someone's smartwatch to bug them. Sleep sounds nice but it also sounds like it'll be something near impossible to do when he thinks about this entire thing. What was it about apples and temptation, anyway?]
Asshole.
[He breathes it low, knowing full well that Dave is going to hear him say it. How to tell when Ryuji's fond of you? He curses at you without the grit behind his throaty loudness. There's an entire checklist of other things that are also pretty obvious at this point, or at least, in retrospect.]
I'm always right. [Except the times he's not, and he knows that. He knows that Dave knows that, too. Still, it's fun enough to tease and see where it goes.]
But maybe some recharge time is needed to separate out, to second and third guess the thoughts that are eventually going to compile in compounding order, and he won't be able to sit still again. Probably end up going for a walk, or hitting up someone's smartwatch to bug them. Sleep sounds nice but it also sounds like it'll be something near impossible to do when he thinks about this entire thing. What was it about apples and temptation, anyway?]
Asshole.
[He breathes it low, knowing full well that Dave is going to hear him say it. How to tell when Ryuji's fond of you? He curses at you without the grit behind his throaty loudness. There's an entire checklist of other things that are also pretty obvious at this point, or at least, in retrospect.]
I'm always right. [Except the times he's not, and he knows that. He knows that Dave knows that, too. Still, it's fun enough to tease and see where it goes.]
[So, some things are harder to talk about than thinking about talking about them, that's for... pretty damn sure. Ryuji's head was filled with different ways this would go down, but nothing really preps him for the reaction, even when he knows Ren inside and out; or at least, he thought he did up until a week ago. How much else did he not see in his best friend?
He still wants to protect Ren, and even though it is probably (chicken shit), he does it because he can't be cruel to him. At least, not intentionally, and it's pretty rough to be in a position where you have all the power in the world to do so and a brain that's wired to say the worst things at the worst possible time.]
I... uh. Man, I never wanna make you cry. Since we're not in the habit of lying and shit, I just wanted to say that. Like... shit, you're the most important person to me in the entire world, yanno? [He bites the inside of his lip until it stings. What the hell was he supposed to be saying out of all of this? They're both in a better place now physically, having gotten some sleep and taken care of their bodies for a little bit.
But that part about him liking someone else still kind of stings, and he doesn't know why. Ren probably knows everything Ryuji's about to say, since it's... just who he is as a person, but maybe it needs to be said anyway.]
I never learned how to deal with feelings and emotions... you know that, right? Like. I grew up in a place where that sorta shit was all sortsa effed up. I coped with everything by... uh. Running? Like... both ways, kinda actually running and running away in the other sense.
[So the feelings he has toward someone else is also kind of terrifying and not really in a good way, either.]
I shoulda told you, man. Like, the second that I kinda knew it was a thing. Maybe I wouldn't have... I wouldn't have fucked up as much as I did? And it's not an excuse or anything, that thing I said about my home... but that's just kinda how I deal with shit. Like a wimp. [He scratches the back of his head. God, it's so hard to figure out what he's trying to say that he just ends up rambling- he really has no idea how to identify and explain the way he's... actually pretty messed up on the inside. It's like he knows he's damaged goods, here, but it's just pathetic to sit there and tell his best friend that.
But communication is important too? Maybe he's taken for granted how much he trusts Ren to know everything about him. And even if he does know all this shit, they should... they should be able to actually get into this type of conversation without needing a fucking compass to get through the most basic of things. Like, hey- I was abused my entire childhood, and honestly I don't really know how this shit is supposed to go down, since the only concept I have of love was ruined, and--- wait, this conversation shouldn't be happening in his head.]
You taught me what it feels like to be a part of something, to be loved. And uh, it's like. I don't really know how to take care of this sort of thing? The only example I ever had was what happened at home. So, I guess what I'm tryin' to say here, man, is that. Like. I love you? I really do. And I'm sorry I broke your heart.
He still wants to protect Ren, and even though it is probably (chicken shit), he does it because he can't be cruel to him. At least, not intentionally, and it's pretty rough to be in a position where you have all the power in the world to do so and a brain that's wired to say the worst things at the worst possible time.]
I... uh. Man, I never wanna make you cry. Since we're not in the habit of lying and shit, I just wanted to say that. Like... shit, you're the most important person to me in the entire world, yanno? [He bites the inside of his lip until it stings. What the hell was he supposed to be saying out of all of this? They're both in a better place now physically, having gotten some sleep and taken care of their bodies for a little bit.
But that part about him liking someone else still kind of stings, and he doesn't know why. Ren probably knows everything Ryuji's about to say, since it's... just who he is as a person, but maybe it needs to be said anyway.]
I never learned how to deal with feelings and emotions... you know that, right? Like. I grew up in a place where that sorta shit was all sortsa effed up. I coped with everything by... uh. Running? Like... both ways, kinda actually running and running away in the other sense.
[So the feelings he has toward someone else is also kind of terrifying and not really in a good way, either.]
I shoulda told you, man. Like, the second that I kinda knew it was a thing. Maybe I wouldn't have... I wouldn't have fucked up as much as I did? And it's not an excuse or anything, that thing I said about my home... but that's just kinda how I deal with shit. Like a wimp. [He scratches the back of his head. God, it's so hard to figure out what he's trying to say that he just ends up rambling- he really has no idea how to identify and explain the way he's... actually pretty messed up on the inside. It's like he knows he's damaged goods, here, but it's just pathetic to sit there and tell his best friend that.
But communication is important too? Maybe he's taken for granted how much he trusts Ren to know everything about him. And even if he does know all this shit, they should... they should be able to actually get into this type of conversation without needing a fucking compass to get through the most basic of things. Like, hey- I was abused my entire childhood, and honestly I don't really know how this shit is supposed to go down, since the only concept I have of love was ruined, and--- wait, this conversation shouldn't be happening in his head.]
You taught me what it feels like to be a part of something, to be loved. And uh, it's like. I don't really know how to take care of this sort of thing? The only example I ever had was what happened at home. So, I guess what I'm tryin' to say here, man, is that. Like. I love you? I really do. And I'm sorry I broke your heart.
[ Ryuji's more eloquent than he gives himself credit for. He rambles, sure - Ren doesn't know that someone wouldn't after being dragged a little, scrambling to make up for lost ground and hurt feelings til things are at least a bit better than they were. Maybe they were both questioning how well they knew one another and seeing what flies, but the truth is now that they were going over the top from their respective trenches Ren can't say that all that much changed. Ryuji is still Ryuji, and Ren is still who he is, and all the anger and pseudo resentment that the heart could build up to protect itself crumbles to the things he permits Ryuji out of brotherhood, of love.
So he may have gotten in his truthful jab but it doesn't make him feel better. Listening just makes it worse and Ren can't pretend to do something else, hugging the small datapad of codes to he chest, rising and falling with his diaphragm. Simple movement, something calm to focus on when the eddies start pulling harder.
And eventually, somewhere in the midst of the tougher admissions that slot in with what Ren might have outlined in his mental picture of Ryuji, he spends half a second considering it before, no yeah, he's gonna sit next to Ryuji and set his fist lightly on his dumb crispy head on the way down, a bit of torque applied. Stop shitting on yourself. Add to that: stop shitting on your feelings too.
The back of Ren's head thunks against the corridor wall while he wills his vision to clear. His crying is sorta what got them here in the first place. The glasses come off, folded and put quietly in his lap.
There's only so many ways he can say it's not your fault. ]
I wasn't blaming you, okay. M'trying not be all jealousy monster because you're... so important to me and maybe I was conflating things like. If you didn't like me the same way maybe I didn't have enough to offer. I messed up somewhere along the way, something to make it make sense when that really isn't how it works, it's just bullshit you make up to make a rejection hurt less. Or more, I dunno. You're looking for a release just so you can move on.
[ It sucks to lose to someone else. Using game language abstracts it, removes emotion, lets Ren concede even if attraction isn't as clean as that implies. All the sticky points are still there and he wants so badly to reach out and do what best friends aren't really allowed to do so that Ryuji is comforted but he stays, giving him space but being Near. within reach, what Ren has not been in the almost two weeks previous. ]
It was a shitty way to be told. And... and don't take it all on your shoulders, cuz I wasn't sure I was going to say anything. I tried not to be noticeable. Just seemed like it'd be a cruel thing to start something and then - go away.
[ Ren sighs, a little shuddery as it leaves him. Turned out real great didn't it? Now Ryuji gets to not be attracted to him and know, and isn't that wonderful. ]
You could've been more honest, but why would you have told me you were crushing? Like, I appreciate the thought and I usually am all about your love of manga clichés like telling your bestie about a cute girl you think you're into but it's not something you should beat yourself up over. I got responsibility too.
You can't keep doing that. Stop hurting yourself cuz -
[ He stops, takes a quick sharp breath that stabs the middle of his chest suddenly because he may have been working through it as he spoke but god the thought echoes all the way back to those dank, cold dungeons inside Kamoshda's castle. The worst part is that he recognizes it; this conclusion is not a stranger to Ren. ]
- cuz you think you deserve it. And that you aren't useful for anything else. You're not a dumping ground for both our mistakes and pain, man.
[ In that respect Ren's heartbreak doesn't mean a lot. It's well and good to tell him hey don't do that, but it doesn't do the work of undoing the bullshit he went through as a kid. His whole life. Fuck.
That's probably what Ren means when he says ]
I love you too, you know? I'm not feeling sorry for you when I say that, I'm not just being pissed at your dad and Kamoshida and everybody that fucked off and left you alone when you stood up for someone. You aren't a carpet for me to walk all over, and you're not something there to make me look better til I find something else.
You're Ryuji. And that's all I need to know, okay?
[ It feels good to get all that out. Draining, but good, which is maybe how confessing is supposed to feel but this has morphed into something else that goes to the absolute root and Ren can't say that he minds his confession being a conduit to a bigger conversation that he didn't know needed to be had. In that sense, screw his broken heart. He's glad his eyes are clear enough to see it now.
He's close enough for the shoulder bump but Ren finds himself draping an arm across Ryuji's shoulders and his dumb, really bad posture and shaking him a little. And if it turns into an invitation to lean into him like Ryuji gave him, then he doesn't mention it cuz he has more air to clear. ]
So, y'know. Go. Be free. Have all the awkward gay feels you want to and complain about beard burn cuz that shit sucks.
I'll still be here. And, you know. Come to me if you're having problems and I'll break his legs, no sweat.
So he may have gotten in his truthful jab but it doesn't make him feel better. Listening just makes it worse and Ren can't pretend to do something else, hugging the small datapad of codes to he chest, rising and falling with his diaphragm. Simple movement, something calm to focus on when the eddies start pulling harder.
And eventually, somewhere in the midst of the tougher admissions that slot in with what Ren might have outlined in his mental picture of Ryuji, he spends half a second considering it before, no yeah, he's gonna sit next to Ryuji and set his fist lightly on his dumb crispy head on the way down, a bit of torque applied. Stop shitting on yourself. Add to that: stop shitting on your feelings too.
The back of Ren's head thunks against the corridor wall while he wills his vision to clear. His crying is sorta what got them here in the first place. The glasses come off, folded and put quietly in his lap.
There's only so many ways he can say it's not your fault. ]
I wasn't blaming you, okay. M'trying not be all jealousy monster because you're... so important to me and maybe I was conflating things like. If you didn't like me the same way maybe I didn't have enough to offer. I messed up somewhere along the way, something to make it make sense when that really isn't how it works, it's just bullshit you make up to make a rejection hurt less. Or more, I dunno. You're looking for a release just so you can move on.
[ It sucks to lose to someone else. Using game language abstracts it, removes emotion, lets Ren concede even if attraction isn't as clean as that implies. All the sticky points are still there and he wants so badly to reach out and do what best friends aren't really allowed to do so that Ryuji is comforted but he stays, giving him space but being Near. within reach, what Ren has not been in the almost two weeks previous. ]
It was a shitty way to be told. And... and don't take it all on your shoulders, cuz I wasn't sure I was going to say anything. I tried not to be noticeable. Just seemed like it'd be a cruel thing to start something and then - go away.
[ Ren sighs, a little shuddery as it leaves him. Turned out real great didn't it? Now Ryuji gets to not be attracted to him and know, and isn't that wonderful. ]
You could've been more honest, but why would you have told me you were crushing? Like, I appreciate the thought and I usually am all about your love of manga clichés like telling your bestie about a cute girl you think you're into but it's not something you should beat yourself up over. I got responsibility too.
You can't keep doing that. Stop hurting yourself cuz -
[ He stops, takes a quick sharp breath that stabs the middle of his chest suddenly because he may have been working through it as he spoke but god the thought echoes all the way back to those dank, cold dungeons inside Kamoshda's castle. The worst part is that he recognizes it; this conclusion is not a stranger to Ren. ]
- cuz you think you deserve it. And that you aren't useful for anything else. You're not a dumping ground for both our mistakes and pain, man.
[ In that respect Ren's heartbreak doesn't mean a lot. It's well and good to tell him hey don't do that, but it doesn't do the work of undoing the bullshit he went through as a kid. His whole life. Fuck.
That's probably what Ren means when he says ]
I love you too, you know? I'm not feeling sorry for you when I say that, I'm not just being pissed at your dad and Kamoshida and everybody that fucked off and left you alone when you stood up for someone. You aren't a carpet for me to walk all over, and you're not something there to make me look better til I find something else.
You're Ryuji. And that's all I need to know, okay?
[ It feels good to get all that out. Draining, but good, which is maybe how confessing is supposed to feel but this has morphed into something else that goes to the absolute root and Ren can't say that he minds his confession being a conduit to a bigger conversation that he didn't know needed to be had. In that sense, screw his broken heart. He's glad his eyes are clear enough to see it now.
He's close enough for the shoulder bump but Ren finds himself draping an arm across Ryuji's shoulders and his dumb, really bad posture and shaking him a little. And if it turns into an invitation to lean into him like Ryuji gave him, then he doesn't mention it cuz he has more air to clear. ]
So, y'know. Go. Be free. Have all the awkward gay feels you want to and complain about beard burn cuz that shit sucks.
I'll still be here. And, you know. Come to me if you're having problems and I'll break his legs, no sweat.
[It's really, a lot to take in. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, just whether or not that they come tumbling down in a mountain, skull after skull, is pretty much left up to chance or fate, when it comes to dealing with being born and dealt the hand of cards you got in life. He's never one to dwell on much of anything, really, and it's uncharacteristic of him to drag his feet around things. But this was one of those things that were more like a ball and chain shackled around his ankle, and as strong as he could get those legs to get going... honestly, it was still there and it was kind of a bitch to deal with. It's easy to take the path of least resistance- to say that all the things he does or says are just a part of his own idiocy, but they're pretty layered when dissected out in the open, and here, Ren is becoming more of a heart surgeon than a heart thief. He wanted to clear the air and help Ren understand why he's so messed up, he wasn't really expecting to just... be taken into the palm of his hands and told that it's going to be okay. He was hunkering down for whatever blow came next, but again, that's his past coming back with ghosts in spades to haunt him.
Because Ren's right. At the root of it, he did earnestly believe that the bad things that came were of his own rock to bear, and that's just how he's always been. It's not exactly healthy, either.
He just wanted to make things right, by the both of them. And so, the only response that he really has to all of this is---]
Okay.
[He was listening to everything you said, Ren, it'll just take a little (lot) of time to unpack, because he doesn't bring this shit up often enough to know how to respond on the fly to it. His lips curve into an upward bend, a small smile that creeps up one side of his face.
Ryuji holds out his fist for a bump, because actions are always and have always been more important than words for him, as dumb and symbolic as the gesture was. And god, gay feelings. Does he have to talk about them like that?]
But, uh. What the eff is beard burn?
[Also, please don't go breaking legs just yet, dude.]
Because Ren's right. At the root of it, he did earnestly believe that the bad things that came were of his own rock to bear, and that's just how he's always been. It's not exactly healthy, either.
He just wanted to make things right, by the both of them. And so, the only response that he really has to all of this is---]
Okay.
[He was listening to everything you said, Ren, it'll just take a little (lot) of time to unpack, because he doesn't bring this shit up often enough to know how to respond on the fly to it. His lips curve into an upward bend, a small smile that creeps up one side of his face.
Ryuji holds out his fist for a bump, because actions are always and have always been more important than words for him, as dumb and symbolic as the gesture was. And god, gay feelings. Does he have to talk about them like that?]
But, uh. What the eff is beard burn?
[Also, please don't go breaking legs just yet, dude.]
[ Would he be lying if he said he didn't set out to explicitly dismantle - like, everything like that? Ren feels like he's done a year's worth of talking in about five minutes with the density of it and it isn't like he's not relieved that that much more is out there on the table in open air, but it's not worth picking out and examining every nook and cranny if the jist is grasped there and then. It's just a lot, yeah.
He'd started as nearly mute pebbles at a precarious peak and this is how an avalanche happens. He's not sorry, god he's so not because a simple "okay" is basically what he discovered he'd wanted as he gained momentum and realized too late that this was going somewhere and they'd have to deal. "Okay" he can work with.
There's a tiny part of him that still wants Ryuji to love him back the way he wants to be, but that's vastly overshadowed by Ren wanting Ryuji to love his damn self and feel like he could own it. So yeah man, fistbump, cuz it's not like Ryuji's in it alone on this long ass journey.
And yep they have to talk about gay feelings like that, sorry he doesn't write the rules. ]
I could tell you about my first boyfriend or you can find out with your kawaii crushu~, depending on what time he gets his five o'clock shadow.
[ Please take the bait. ]
He'd started as nearly mute pebbles at a precarious peak and this is how an avalanche happens. He's not sorry, god he's so not because a simple "okay" is basically what he discovered he'd wanted as he gained momentum and realized too late that this was going somewhere and they'd have to deal. "Okay" he can work with.
There's a tiny part of him that still wants Ryuji to love him back the way he wants to be, but that's vastly overshadowed by Ren wanting Ryuji to love his damn self and feel like he could own it. So yeah man, fistbump, cuz it's not like Ryuji's in it alone on this long ass journey.
And yep they have to talk about gay feelings like that, sorry he doesn't write the rules. ]
I could tell you about my first boyfriend or you can find out with your kawaii crushu~, depending on what time he gets his five o'clock shadow.
[ Please take the bait. ]
[So here's the thing that's wild to Ryuji.
Ren had a boyfriend?
Now, don't get him wrong, he's been pretty cagey about the whole thing himself, but he would've thought that maybe it might've come up once or twice, like, ever- but then again, it wasn't really owed to him to know that sort of stuff. Was it in his past? Was he dating someone in Tokyo? He wants those juicy deets.]
Uhh...
[On second thought, maybe not?
Ryuji's perfectly fine living in the land of perpetually finding it impossible to grow facial hair. And whereas he's Asian and his doki interest isn't... does that mean this is something he might? Have to deal with? One day.
Uhhh, indeed.]
Five... o'clock shadow? Dude, beards are cool and all, but what the hell are you goin' on about.
Ren had a boyfriend?
Now, don't get him wrong, he's been pretty cagey about the whole thing himself, but he would've thought that maybe it might've come up once or twice, like, ever- but then again, it wasn't really owed to him to know that sort of stuff. Was it in his past? Was he dating someone in Tokyo? He wants those juicy deets.]
Uhh...
[On second thought, maybe not?
Ryuji's perfectly fine living in the land of perpetually finding it impossible to grow facial hair. And whereas he's Asian and his doki interest isn't... does that mean this is something he might? Have to deal with? One day.
Uhhh, indeed.]
Five... o'clock shadow? Dude, beards are cool and all, but what the hell are you goin' on about.
[ Just ask?? He knows you're new to the "hey I like men/too" club but you don't have to freak about Ren having dated before. If he knew it was gonna suddenly make Ryuji all that uncomfortable he kinda wishes he'd have kept his mouth shut. He already kind of does wish it, if he's being... FORREAL.
He knows they're both Japanese and therefore scraggly beards are the end all, but come on man, has he never seen an American action movie in his life? Did not Sylvester Stallone's stronk chin look like you could strike a match off it?
Ren's brows narrow in a real seriously? expression. Then his free hand finds his own cheek, gaze gone inward in brief thought. Yeah he kinda let his personal grooming go a bit over hell week? It takes a LOT for guys like them to get peach fuzz, let alone some serious darkness going, but maybe...
Yeah fuck it. The arm over Ryuji's shoulders shifts and a hand smooshes Ryuji's cheek into the broadside of Ren's where he rubs about a week and change's growth up and down like a particularly trolly cat, smirking the whole time.
That's what you might have to look forward to, man. ]
He knows they're both Japanese and therefore scraggly beards are the end all, but come on man, has he never seen an American action movie in his life? Did not Sylvester Stallone's stronk chin look like you could strike a match off it?
Ren's brows narrow in a real seriously? expression. Then his free hand finds his own cheek, gaze gone inward in brief thought. Yeah he kinda let his personal grooming go a bit over hell week? It takes a LOT for guys like them to get peach fuzz, let alone some serious darkness going, but maybe...
Yeah fuck it. The arm over Ryuji's shoulders shifts and a hand smooshes Ryuji's cheek into the broadside of Ren's where he rubs about a week and change's growth up and down like a particularly trolly cat, smirking the whole time.
That's what you might have to look forward to, man. ]
[Wait, what? He LOVES ACTION MOVIES; he's seen so many of them he can barely keep track of the more memorable ones, but it doesn't really make sense as to what beards have to do with dating dudes, let alone how they can actually burn you? He doesn't know the plight of being rubbed up against like sandpaper, because he's never had that experience and he never thought he'd ever have to, and here comes Ren, rolling in like a WRECKING BALL.
What are you.
Why is he getting closer.
Why is he pulling him in?
What's going---
ON????
WHY IS HE LIKE THIS.]
ACK. AH, REN. GODDAMNIT, WHAT THE FUCK.
[Congrats, you got a rare fuck out of him.]
THAT FEELS HORRIBLE.
[He immediately tries to push at his chest, to get him off of him. This is what Lisa's tongue must feel like against his cheek, and it's not the life he was thinking that would be relevant to him any time soon.]
Dude, when did you get the willpower to even grow that shit!? [Ryuji's still a little bit behind in the development stages of Becoming a Man (tm), so he can't really commiserate with Ren's subtle growth.]
Shit, is that what your boyfriend used to do you?!
[Reconsiders this whole relationship thing.]
What are you.
Why is he getting closer.
Why is he pulling him in?
What's going---
ON????
WHY IS HE LIKE THIS.]
ACK. AH, REN. GODDAMNIT, WHAT THE FUCK.
[Congrats, you got a rare fuck out of him.]
THAT FEELS HORRIBLE.
[He immediately tries to push at his chest, to get him off of him. This is what Lisa's tongue must feel like against his cheek, and it's not the life he was thinking that would be relevant to him any time soon.]
Dude, when did you get the willpower to even grow that shit!? [Ryuji's still a little bit behind in the development stages of Becoming a Man (tm), so he can't really commiserate with Ren's subtle growth.]
Shit, is that what your boyfriend used to do you?!
[Reconsiders this whole relationship thing.]
[ Ren is doing you a favor, my guy, trust him. You don't want to go in for the first smooch and be caught completely unawares by The Stubble. The lost lands where brave lips tread too far out of safety and into its abrasive embrace. Ren is honestly bewildered that Ryuji's never heard of it, maybe because the romance novel he read was focused on a man and woman and by and large fantasy writing will stick to describing the woman, not the face sandpaper the woman has to deal with, so. THE MORE YOU KNOW ★
But Ren? Ren's cackling and releases Ryuji fast enough, pressing a fist up to his mouth to contain the pure evil within. ]
Dude, you don't need willpower, you need a complete void of it while The Bee Gees scrape out the rest of your will to live, too.
But nah, not really. Well I say "boyfriend" but we were more, uh. Casual than that?
[ God, Ren hasn't thought about him for over a year, probably going on two on the scoreboard. A wry smile turns his mouth lopsided, scratching the back of his head like he needed the help shaking details loose, that's how much of an impact this guy has on who Ren is now. ]
I crushed on him hard in middle school and sorta followed him around like a puppy. He hit a growth spurt before the rest of us and he was really good looking, you know? I got to stick around but I don't think he liked me too much. You don't have to like people when they like you just fine for not even doing anything, right.
And then it's a small town, so of course we go to the same high school. And we sort of - got together. [ Is he using a lot of qualifiers? Shrug. ] He wouldn't let me sit with him and his friends at lunch. Or walk with me or anything, but we made out a lot and, uh. Other stuff. I don't think he told anyone.
[ Again, shrug. ]
I guess I didn't either. So, uh - yeah you just have to watch for The Burn when you feel like you're, y'know, gonna kiss 'em, kay?
But Ren? Ren's cackling and releases Ryuji fast enough, pressing a fist up to his mouth to contain the pure evil within. ]
Dude, you don't need willpower, you need a complete void of it while The Bee Gees scrape out the rest of your will to live, too.
But nah, not really. Well I say "boyfriend" but we were more, uh. Casual than that?
[ God, Ren hasn't thought about him for over a year, probably going on two on the scoreboard. A wry smile turns his mouth lopsided, scratching the back of his head like he needed the help shaking details loose, that's how much of an impact this guy has on who Ren is now. ]
I crushed on him hard in middle school and sorta followed him around like a puppy. He hit a growth spurt before the rest of us and he was really good looking, you know? I got to stick around but I don't think he liked me too much. You don't have to like people when they like you just fine for not even doing anything, right.
And then it's a small town, so of course we go to the same high school. And we sort of - got together. [ Is he using a lot of qualifiers? Shrug. ] He wouldn't let me sit with him and his friends at lunch. Or walk with me or anything, but we made out a lot and, uh. Other stuff. I don't think he told anyone.
[ Again, shrug. ]
I guess I didn't either. So, uh - yeah you just have to watch for The Burn when you feel like you're, y'know, gonna kiss 'em, kay?
[DUDE... it is way, way, way too soon to start cracking jokes about any form of music.]
Ugh... it's gonna takes weeks for me to ever wanna listen to anything at this rate.
[Spice Girls are on the perma-ban list. He looks down at his smartwatch, half considering just... uninstalling his mp3 library. Except, really, that would be shooting himself in the foot and acting rash without really figuring out the long term benefits of music and chill. Listen, Webflix isn't a thing up here.]
Yeah, man. I dunno about small town life but it seems kinda like you gotta do that sorta thing if you have a pretty non-conformin' type of relationship deal going on. But... screw that.
[Ryuji's not about to start organizing pride parades or anything here- he's still coming to terms with coming out to begin with, but... he could totally see why dating someone you couldn't even hold hands with in public is just. Not fun? Bad?
There were so many toxic things from their own world that could be shed up here, on the station. No society to tell them what to do or not do. No adults to reinforce pressure on acting the "right" way. From that perspective, Ren and Ryuji could both just... figure out anything they wanted to about themselves. Have chances where they might not have back home.
He smiles supportively and drapes an arm over him.]
Hey man. You're still gonna sit with me at lunch, right?
[You better fucking believe it.]
E---eh!? Whoa, dude, you're jumpin' the gun here. I haven't even thought about tellin' him how I feel. Kissing is like. I.
[WHELP, flustered is a good color for Ryuji.]
That sorta stuff is too much!!
Ugh... it's gonna takes weeks for me to ever wanna listen to anything at this rate.
[Spice Girls are on the perma-ban list. He looks down at his smartwatch, half considering just... uninstalling his mp3 library. Except, really, that would be shooting himself in the foot and acting rash without really figuring out the long term benefits of music and chill. Listen, Webflix isn't a thing up here.]
Yeah, man. I dunno about small town life but it seems kinda like you gotta do that sorta thing if you have a pretty non-conformin' type of relationship deal going on. But... screw that.
[Ryuji's not about to start organizing pride parades or anything here- he's still coming to terms with coming out to begin with, but... he could totally see why dating someone you couldn't even hold hands with in public is just. Not fun? Bad?
There were so many toxic things from their own world that could be shed up here, on the station. No society to tell them what to do or not do. No adults to reinforce pressure on acting the "right" way. From that perspective, Ren and Ryuji could both just... figure out anything they wanted to about themselves. Have chances where they might not have back home.
He smiles supportively and drapes an arm over him.]
Hey man. You're still gonna sit with me at lunch, right?
[You better fucking believe it.]
E---eh!? Whoa, dude, you're jumpin' the gun here. I haven't even thought about tellin' him how I feel. Kissing is like. I.
[WHELP, flustered is a good color for Ryuji.]
That sorta stuff is too much!!
[ Not answering, huh?
He's not mad he's getting the silent treatment - couldn't be after his initial method of handling No Sleep Till Brooklyn.
There's still a few moments of silence over the line, air moving over the comm's tiny receiver like someone's thought better of something they were going to say and then released the breath. Then again, maybe short and sweet is the best a speedboi could ask for. ]
Come home.
He's not mad he's getting the silent treatment - couldn't be after his initial method of handling No Sleep Till Brooklyn.
There's still a few moments of silence over the line, air moving over the comm's tiny receiver like someone's thought better of something they were going to say and then released the breath. Then again, maybe short and sweet is the best a speedboi could ask for. ]
Come home.
Edited (redundant sentence needs proofreading before postage) 2018-08-11 20:42 (UTC)
[ #Toosoon. Ren doesn't even have a mp3 played to curse and threaten to run underneath the replicator goop nozzle. Ren's grinning in spite of himself, letting Ryuji tease him out of a year that was largely forgettable compared to what came after. ]
As long as you're good with still rooming with someone that thinks you're ~*~totally dreamy~*~ then sure, lunch? Total bro affair.
And yeah, well. Now that you found a new and shiny thing you'll get excited for it, so don't worry 'bout that. Guess just don't do it like me and it'll be fine.
[ Take a wink and pay no attention to the sad man behind the curtain.
But Ren's fucked up because he doesn't have a follow up to that right away so here he is caught with his foot in the beat between thought and action, admiring his valiant attempt at being encouraging amidst dejection like a basketball player admires the arc of their throw toward the net and it hasn't quite swished yet.
And Ren's always been guilty of enjoying when Ryuji's hand is bumped off the genki boy mask and he's adorably overloaded til he gets his cool back. Ostensibly what Ren said should've helped and soon enough it'll abate, and because Ren hid it before it'd be the right thing to do to hide it now.
But his foot's caught, and for a few moments he forgets to not be selfish and just... looks. With his heart right there in his eyes and tugging up half his mouth, and it's no secret between them that he's the only one Ren'd unburden himself of the leader mantle in front of. Crush or no that's their relationship: built on absolute trust, letting them dispense with pretenses of being strong or clever or blindingly loyal and taking it as a baseline for other things they need to chew on and work out aloud.
It's too late to trust Ryuji with not breaking his heart, but he instinctively has put himself into the palm of Ryuji's hands with what remains anyway. That it won't go away, but even as the light returns to Ren's eyes and he realizes he's what he's doing, he knows he'll be able to live with it and try not to have expectations beyond that.
Ren blinks, turns away, and clears his throat as he starts climbing back to his feet to shake off Ryuji's arm. ]
Y'know, I'm kinda not feeling it anymore? Wanna cut right to lunch and try again after?
[ Ren's already turned around though and offered his hand. ]
As long as you're good with still rooming with someone that thinks you're ~*~totally dreamy~*~ then sure, lunch? Total bro affair.
And yeah, well. Now that you found a new and shiny thing you'll get excited for it, so don't worry 'bout that. Guess just don't do it like me and it'll be fine.
[ Take a wink and pay no attention to the sad man behind the curtain.
But Ren's fucked up because he doesn't have a follow up to that right away so here he is caught with his foot in the beat between thought and action, admiring his valiant attempt at being encouraging amidst dejection like a basketball player admires the arc of their throw toward the net and it hasn't quite swished yet.
And Ren's always been guilty of enjoying when Ryuji's hand is bumped off the genki boy mask and he's adorably overloaded til he gets his cool back. Ostensibly what Ren said should've helped and soon enough it'll abate, and because Ren hid it before it'd be the right thing to do to hide it now.
But his foot's caught, and for a few moments he forgets to not be selfish and just... looks. With his heart right there in his eyes and tugging up half his mouth, and it's no secret between them that he's the only one Ren'd unburden himself of the leader mantle in front of. Crush or no that's their relationship: built on absolute trust, letting them dispense with pretenses of being strong or clever or blindingly loyal and taking it as a baseline for other things they need to chew on and work out aloud.
It's too late to trust Ryuji with not breaking his heart, but he instinctively has put himself into the palm of Ryuji's hands with what remains anyway. That it won't go away, but even as the light returns to Ren's eyes and he realizes he's what he's doing, he knows he'll be able to live with it and try not to have expectations beyond that.
Ren blinks, turns away, and clears his throat as he starts climbing back to his feet to shake off Ryuji's arm. ]
Y'know, I'm kinda not feeling it anymore? Wanna cut right to lunch and try again after?
[ Ren's already turned around though and offered his hand. ]
[Ryuji's not a very complicated person. It's obvious what's happening here, and given the choice between being in a place where has to force his best friend to watch it and giving him the peace of mind to not let... that happen... he took the latter road. But he's also not cruel enough to shut him out like this, even when he hits the end call button on his smartwatch. There's a dead pause of nothing for a few seconds, and then, finally, a text message that pops up in Ren's inbox.]
Yo
Hate to be that guy
But I can't
Yo
Hate to be that guy
But I can't
[ A thin sigh escapes Ren as he looks the message over. They hadn't really talked about what this was doing to them the worse it got; Ren was flat out of his mind for almost a week freaking out with hallucinations and wondering where the hell Ryuji was. If he was there, did he miss it? He can't remember a lot outside of 9S helping him up to his (disappearing) feet and the constant seesaw of corporeal to nothingness he kept witnessing while he curled up in bed.
Ren's not got long, either. Not because he's almost vanished entirely, but because even as his fingers make contact with the touch screen it takes him a few times every other letter or so to get the feedback to connect, fingertips spearing right through the comm. ]
No offense?
Bullshit.
If you think you're protecting me from something you're really not.
Ren's not got long, either. Not because he's almost vanished entirely, but because even as his fingers make contact with the touch screen it takes him a few times every other letter or so to get the feedback to connect, fingertips spearing right through the comm. ]
No offense?
Bullshit.
If you think you're protecting me from something you're really not.
Edited 2018-08-11 21:29 (UTC)
...No shit?
Uh, damn.
Tell me where you are then?
Uh, damn.
Tell me where you are then?
[He didn't really want to tell Ren where he was.
He really didn't.
But if he's asked, then he probably... knows what he's getting into and he can't really. Ever tell him no? For that.]
Observation deck
Look dude
It ain't a pleasant scene
I'm gonna be 100% honest with you
I wouldn't wanna see me right now
He really didn't.
But if he's asked, then he probably... knows what he's getting into and he can't really. Ever tell him no? For that.]
Observation deck
Look dude
It ain't a pleasant scene
I'm gonna be 100% honest with you
I wouldn't wanna see me right now
[The stank face he's making right now at those two sentences are something so legendarily Ryuji that it's practically about to jump out and smack Ren upside the head with it.]
What the...
[He doesn't know why the words "new and shiny" really fucking bother him, like he didn't vomit up how he felt to Ren enough times over the course of their friendship over the last year to make it stick... or something. So before he gets to dismissing the entire affair and offering to grab some grub, he pauses, looks over and does the deed of reminding him of something that's so incredibly important to him, on Earth as it is in Space Heaven.]
You know what we got isn't some fashion fad, right, dude? Like you said that, and I know you're jokin', 'cause you're hash-tag Joker. But no matter what happens, don't go forgetting what I told ya. My place is next to you.
And no one's gonna replace that.
[He'll say it again and again until he's blue in the face, because it's a cornerstone. Take that cornerstone out and the house tumbles.
But with the reminder out there in the open, he sighs, and nods.]
Yeah, let's go eat. All this talk is makin' me hungry for some meat.
What the...
[He doesn't know why the words "new and shiny" really fucking bother him, like he didn't vomit up how he felt to Ren enough times over the course of their friendship over the last year to make it stick... or something. So before he gets to dismissing the entire affair and offering to grab some grub, he pauses, looks over and does the deed of reminding him of something that's so incredibly important to him, on Earth as it is in Space Heaven.]
You know what we got isn't some fashion fad, right, dude? Like you said that, and I know you're jokin', 'cause you're hash-tag Joker. But no matter what happens, don't go forgetting what I told ya. My place is next to you.
And no one's gonna replace that.
[He'll say it again and again until he's blue in the face, because it's a cornerstone. Take that cornerstone out and the house tumbles.
But with the reminder out there in the open, he sighs, and nods.]
Yeah, let's go eat. All this talk is makin' me hungry for some meat.
That's cool but I want to see you.
[ Look, the only reason Ren can't send the message faster is because his fingers keep "missing". Not a few days ago him and Hinata took a stroll to the observation deck to feel real nostalgic too, so he's a pretty sure he can suppress what tangibility he still has to drift up to the right deck and not have to wait for the elevator.
He could give Ryuji the choice: speak now or forever decompose in haunted peace. But things're getting down to the wire and Ren can't stand not being with the one person he wants to see if this is really it for them. ]
Like, what haven't we shared?
[ What wouldn't I want to share with you? ]
[ Look, the only reason Ren can't send the message faster is because his fingers keep "missing". Not a few days ago him and Hinata took a stroll to the observation deck to feel real nostalgic too, so he's a pretty sure he can suppress what tangibility he still has to drift up to the right deck and not have to wait for the elevator.
He could give Ryuji the choice: speak now or forever decompose in haunted peace. But things're getting down to the wire and Ren can't stand not being with the one person he wants to see if this is really it for them. ]
Like, what haven't we shared?
[ What wouldn't I want to share with you? ]
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