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๐Ÿ’€ skull ([personal profile] ryuji) wrote2018-02-01 01:24 pm

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intrusivethot: ((official) wary)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-07-24 07:35 pm (UTC)(link)
[ There's something almost punitive about asking someone how they're doing when the answer is ninety nine percent likely to be Not great, Bob! Resisting the instinct toward bitterness is harder than it looks and yet all that's drawn out of Ren is a beleaguered, quiet sigh that makes his shoulders droop a little after.

Ryuji's mood is dependent on Ren's, and Ren's is dependent on whether or not he gets to keep being around Ryuji. Dependent is a word that comes up frequently when discussing them as a unit, cloaked in other, less damning phrases - to rely on, count on, lean on. So it's not a big surprise that Ryuji's uncertain because he doesn't know where Ren's head is at. But isn't it obvious? Ren might be so good at hiding his thoughts that not even Ryuji can see past it now, or there's willful ignorance.

Or he's still protecting Ren's feelings, and damn if that doesn't seem right. Self-sacrificing? Also chicken shit, in some respects. It puts Ren in the position of arbiter of feelings, deciding whether to protect Ryuji in return, or if adhering to their history of brutal honesty is worth the shellacking he's sure Ryuji will give himself.

I mean, about... how you feel about me. Since when do you talk in soft vagaries to Ren, man.

I'm not okay if you're not okay. Not that Ren hasn't done the same in the past, but how magnanimous of you.
]

Not much different. New day, new coat of paint to throw on it.

[ Ren's not stopping the work, needing at the very least a visual barrier, a mechanical means of not zeroing in on the beating heart of the matter. ]

You... were pretty final that I have no chance and then some stupid food made me cry for hours after that.

Like, I don't even get to be sad that you obviously like someone that isn't me if you had that realization, cuz I'm your best friend. And I am happy for you.

I dunno what you wanted to hear. We're not in the habit of lying to each other.
intrusivethot: (byob82xYQ9I)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-08-07 05:42 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Ryuji's more eloquent than he gives himself credit for. He rambles, sure - Ren doesn't know that someone wouldn't after being dragged a little, scrambling to make up for lost ground and hurt feelings til things are at least a bit better than they were. Maybe they were both questioning how well they knew one another and seeing what flies, but the truth is now that they were going over the top from their respective trenches Ren can't say that all that much changed. Ryuji is still Ryuji, and Ren is still who he is, and all the anger and pseudo resentment that the heart could build up to protect itself crumbles to the things he permits Ryuji out of brotherhood, of love.

So he may have gotten in his truthful jab but it doesn't make him feel better. Listening just makes it worse and Ren can't pretend to do something else, hugging the small datapad of codes to he chest, rising and falling with his diaphragm. Simple movement, something calm to focus on when the eddies start pulling harder.

And eventually, somewhere in the midst of the tougher admissions that slot in with what Ren might have outlined in his mental picture of Ryuji, he spends half a second considering it before, no yeah, he's gonna sit next to Ryuji and set his fist lightly on his dumb crispy head on the way down, a bit of torque applied. Stop shitting on yourself. Add to that: stop shitting on your feelings too.

The back of Ren's head thunks against the corridor wall while he wills his vision to clear. His crying is sorta what got them here in the first place. The glasses come off, folded and put quietly in his lap.

There's only so many ways he can say it's not your fault.
]

I wasn't blaming you, okay. M'trying not be all jealousy monster because you're... so important to me and maybe I was conflating things like. If you didn't like me the same way maybe I didn't have enough to offer. I messed up somewhere along the way, something to make it make sense when that really isn't how it works, it's just bullshit you make up to make a rejection hurt less. Or more, I dunno. You're looking for a release just so you can move on.

[ It sucks to lose to someone else. Using game language abstracts it, removes emotion, lets Ren concede even if attraction isn't as clean as that implies. All the sticky points are still there and he wants so badly to reach out and do what best friends aren't really allowed to do so that Ryuji is comforted but he stays, giving him space but being Near. within reach, what Ren has not been in the almost two weeks previous. ]

It was a shitty way to be told. And... and don't take it all on your shoulders, cuz I wasn't sure I was going to say anything. I tried not to be noticeable. Just seemed like it'd be a cruel thing to start something and then - go away.

[ Ren sighs, a little shuddery as it leaves him. Turned out real great didn't it? Now Ryuji gets to not be attracted to him and know, and isn't that wonderful. ]

You could've been more honest, but why would you have told me you were crushing? Like, I appreciate the thought and I usually am all about your love of manga clichรฉs like telling your bestie about a cute girl you think you're into but it's not something you should beat yourself up over. I got responsibility too.

You can't keep doing that. Stop hurting yourself cuz -

[ He stops, takes a quick sharp breath that stabs the middle of his chest suddenly because he may have been working through it as he spoke but god the thought echoes all the way back to those dank, cold dungeons inside Kamoshda's castle. The worst part is that he recognizes it; this conclusion is not a stranger to Ren. ]

- cuz you think you deserve it. And that you aren't useful for anything else. You're not a dumping ground for both our mistakes and pain, man.

[ In that respect Ren's heartbreak doesn't mean a lot. It's well and good to tell him hey don't do that, but it doesn't do the work of undoing the bullshit he went through as a kid. His whole life. Fuck.

That's probably what Ren means when he says
]

I love you too, you know? I'm not feeling sorry for you when I say that, I'm not just being pissed at your dad and Kamoshida and everybody that fucked off and left you alone when you stood up for someone. You aren't a carpet for me to walk all over, and you're not something there to make me look better til I find something else.

You're Ryuji. And that's all I need to know, okay?

[ It feels good to get all that out. Draining, but good, which is maybe how confessing is supposed to feel but this has morphed into something else that goes to the absolute root and Ren can't say that he minds his confession being a conduit to a bigger conversation that he didn't know needed to be had. In that sense, screw his broken heart. He's glad his eyes are clear enough to see it now.

He's close enough for the shoulder bump but Ren finds himself draping an arm across Ryuji's shoulders and his dumb, really bad posture and shaking him a little. And if it turns into an invitation to lean into him like Ryuji gave him, then he doesn't mention it cuz he has more air to clear.
]

So, y'know. Go. Be free. Have all the awkward gay feels you want to and complain about beard burn cuz that shit sucks.

I'll still be here. And, you know. Come to me if you're having problems and I'll break his legs, no sweat.
intrusivethot: (byobNhQvzY7)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-08-08 04:48 am (UTC)(link)
[ Would he be lying if he said he didn't set out to explicitly dismantle - like, everything like that? Ren feels like he's done a year's worth of talking in about five minutes with the density of it and it isn't like he's not relieved that that much more is out there on the table in open air, but it's not worth picking out and examining every nook and cranny if the jist is grasped there and then. It's just a lot, yeah.

He'd started as nearly mute pebbles at a precarious peak and this is how an avalanche happens. He's not sorry, god he's so not because a simple "okay" is basically what he discovered he'd wanted as he gained momentum and realized too late that this was going somewhere and they'd have to deal. "Okay" he can work with.

There's a tiny part of him that still wants Ryuji to love him back the way he wants to be, but that's vastly overshadowed by Ren wanting Ryuji to love his damn self and feel like he could own it. So yeah man, fistbump, cuz it's not like Ryuji's in it alone on this long ass journey.

And yep they have to talk about gay feelings like that, sorry he doesn't write the rules.
]

I could tell you about my first boyfriend or you can find out with your kawaii crushu~, depending on what time he gets his five o'clock shadow.

[ Please take the bait. ]
intrusivethot: (byobr5ocDxH)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-08-09 08:05 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Just ask?? He knows you're new to the "hey I like men/too" club but you don't have to freak about Ren having dated before. If he knew it was gonna suddenly make Ryuji all that uncomfortable he kinda wishes he'd have kept his mouth shut. He already kind of does wish it, if he's being... FORREAL.

He knows they're both Japanese and therefore scraggly beards are the end all, but come on man, has he never seen an American action movie in his life? Did not Sylvester Stallone's stronk chin look like you could strike a match off it?

Ren's brows narrow in a real seriously? expression. Then his free hand finds his own cheek, gaze gone inward in brief thought. Yeah he kinda let his personal grooming go a bit over hell week? It takes a LOT for guys like them to get peach fuzz, let alone some serious darkness going, but maybe...

Yeah fuck it. The arm over Ryuji's shoulders shifts and a hand smooshes Ryuji's cheek into the broadside of Ren's where he rubs about a week and change's growth up and down like a particularly trolly cat, smirking the whole time.

That's what you might have to look forward to, man.
]
intrusivethot: (byobIAWJcZa)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-08-09 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Ren is doing you a favor, my guy, trust him. You don't want to go in for the first smooch and be caught completely unawares by The Stubble. The lost lands where brave lips tread too far out of safety and into its abrasive embrace. Ren is honestly bewildered that Ryuji's never heard of it, maybe because the romance novel he read was focused on a man and woman and by and large fantasy writing will stick to describing the woman, not the face sandpaper the woman has to deal with, so. THE MORE YOU KNOW โ˜…

But Ren? Ren's cackling and releases Ryuji fast enough, pressing a fist up to his mouth to contain the pure evil within.
]

Dude, you don't need willpower, you need a complete void of it while The Bee Gees scrape out the rest of your will to live, too.

But nah, not really. Well I say "boyfriend" but we were more, uh. Casual than that?

[ God, Ren hasn't thought about him for over a year, probably going on two on the scoreboard. A wry smile turns his mouth lopsided, scratching the back of his head like he needed the help shaking details loose, that's how much of an impact this guy has on who Ren is now. ]

I crushed on him hard in middle school and sorta followed him around like a puppy. He hit a growth spurt before the rest of us and he was really good looking, you know? I got to stick around but I don't think he liked me too much. You don't have to like people when they like you just fine for not even doing anything, right.

And then it's a small town, so of course we go to the same high school. And we sort of - got together. [ Is he using a lot of qualifiers? Shrug. ] He wouldn't let me sit with him and his friends at lunch. Or walk with me or anything, but we made out a lot and, uh. Other stuff. I don't think he told anyone.

[ Again, shrug. ]

I guess I didn't either. So, uh - yeah you just have to watch for The Burn when you feel like you're, y'know, gonna kiss 'em, kay?
intrusivethot: (pic#12450218)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-08-11 08:06 pm (UTC)(link)
[ #Toosoon. Ren doesn't even have a mp3 played to curse and threaten to run underneath the replicator goop nozzle. Ren's grinning in spite of himself, letting Ryuji tease him out of a year that was largely forgettable compared to what came after. ]

As long as you're good with still rooming with someone that thinks you're ~*~totally dreamy~*~ then sure, lunch? Total bro affair.

And yeah, well. Now that you found a new and shiny thing you'll get excited for it, so don't worry 'bout that. Guess just don't do it like me and it'll be fine.

[ Take a wink and pay no attention to the sad man behind the curtain.

But Ren's fucked up because he doesn't have a follow up to that right away so here he is caught with his foot in the beat between thought and action, admiring his valiant attempt at being encouraging amidst dejection like a basketball player admires the arc of their throw toward the net and it hasn't quite swished yet.

And Ren's always been guilty of enjoying when Ryuji's hand is bumped off the genki boy mask and he's adorably overloaded til he gets his cool back. Ostensibly what Ren said should've helped and soon enough it'll abate, and because Ren hid it before it'd be the right thing to do to hide it now.

But his foot's caught, and for a few moments he forgets to not be selfish and just... looks. With his heart right there in his eyes and tugging up half his mouth, and it's no secret between them that he's the only one Ren'd unburden himself of the leader mantle in front of. Crush or no that's their relationship: built on absolute trust, letting them dispense with pretenses of being strong or clever or blindingly loyal and taking it as a baseline for other things they need to chew on and work out aloud.

It's too late to trust Ryuji with not breaking his heart, but he instinctively has put himself into the palm of Ryuji's hands with what remains anyway. That it won't go away, but even as the light returns to Ren's eyes and he realizes he's what he's doing, he knows he'll be able to live with it and try not to have expectations beyond that.

Ren blinks, turns away, and clears his throat as he starts climbing back to his feet to shake off Ryuji's arm.
]

Y'know, I'm kinda not feeling it anymore? Wanna cut right to lunch and try again after?

[ Ren's already turned around though and offered his hand. ]
intrusivethot: (byobksS727U)

[personal profile] intrusivethot 2018-08-12 06:11 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's probably because man that subconscious fear is coming to light. Ren thinks he was referring to kissing and couple-y stuff, but how it inflects his voice is a much higher percentage of you found someone else and you won't need me anymore than he'll ever admit. Whether because it had merit on its own based on his past experiences or because he's (willingly or not) conflating romantic interest with some invisible scale and he's terrified of being on the wrong side of it, knowing what he knows now that he's declared his interest.

It's pretty shameful to doubt Ryuji like that. Freaking irrational and Ren acknowledges it as much as he acknowledges that the vulnerability this has got him down to has a rare insecurity wheeling out of control. But Ryuji's assurances - the thing he's heard time and again and needs to hear right now, well. That train pulls into the station on schedule just fine.

Ren sighs out some of the guilt and anxiety and hopes that'll be the last he sees of this particular worry. Stop chipping away at the cornerstone, Amamiya.
]

Yeah. Same goes for you, always.