[He bunches his fists into tight, spherical structures.]
That goddamn piece of shit.
[It's adults like that... those are the ones who are truly fucking revolting. Ryuji takes Hajime's story to heart- the death of a student is tragic, and for it to be neatly handled like that.
A murder, nonetheless.
It's times like this he wishes he were still a Phantom Thief.]
Bullshit. That's absolutely bullshit. You only say that sorta CRAP if you're tryin' to hide something.
I... I had some suspicions as to who it was. I confronted her -- Satou -- after what happened to Kuzuryuu. She ran off, and... three days later, she was found dead, too.
[He's making a conscious effort to keep his voice low, teeth gritting hard enough that its starting to hurt his jaw.]
I knew Satou had a friend in the Main Course. I just... wanted to ask her some questions, but they threw me out. I couldn't even step foot in the Academy for something like that. Koizumi could visit us in the Reserve Course any time she wanted, but I--
[Fuck. Fuck. He grips the blankets with his free hand and just shakes his head again.]
Seeing what happened to Rogue, I just... I can't stop thinking about how Kuzuryuu must have felt. Even though she wasn't talented, she wanted... more than anything, she just wanted to stand beside her brother. She wouldn't have wanted to die.
[There's no way that there wasn't some deep conspiracy plot that was taking place. He doesn't really understand Reserve Course, but he senses that it had to do something with the talent system that Hajime was intensely entrenched in. It almost makes Ryuji want to point out--
Yeah, you really wanted talent in your home world? Sounds pretty horrible, actually.
But he keeps his mouth shut (surprisingly), out of a respect for Hajime's obvious suffering and tortured thoughts. Ryuji's quiet for a moment, taking in what he had to say. Was this survivor's guilt? Probably not, but he can see how deeply fucked everything was back where Hajime came from.
It's not enough to just say you can't trust adults at a time like this, but... it's true. There's not a doubt in his mind that it wasn't the administration behind that shit. Even his own principal, in his own school, was deeply intertwined with a national political scandal that would see an insane man take the helm of ministry as his own, under the guise of reform and his cult of charisma.
And then, as if it took a little bit of time before he had something to say, Ryuji opens his mouth to talk about Rogue, but nothing seems to want to come out. Repressed feelings, right? That's what Hajime said.
So he just agrees, in the end.]
It's just... so fucked up...
There ain't any other words for it. People are always gonna be corrupt, and it's always the innocent ones that get swept up in it. The ones who can't do anything about their position in life.
I'm uh... I'm sorry, Hajime. You didn't deserve to go through that ordeal either.
[He hums, quietly, dragging his arm away from his eyes and staring back toward the stars as if they'd somehow be able to give him an answer. It's fucked up, it is, but... that's how it is. That's how it's always been. He'd thought he could try to fight against it, argue that even people without talent had lives that mattered.
But they don't.]
What about you, Mr. Protagonist?
[He doesn't look at Ryuji, just keeps his eyes on the stars outside, still waiting for their answer.]
If you could do something to change your position in life, but you... lost everything that was important to you, would you do it?
And by kind of, it seriously gets him by surprise, and he's left laying there, lips slowly starting to part, feeling like this wasn't just an open ended hypothetical, but something deeper. For Hajime, or for Ryuji, he can't really tell. These are the types of inquiries that are meant to define who you are, at the core.
Ryuji looks over, caught in a moment of stasis- weird for someone who's constantly humming with energy and only ever moves forward in the great 25k of life. 15.3 miles. Each one of them equally meted out with some bullshit tests of character... decision points, but in the end, the track only goes the way it knows how.
He clears his throat.]
I lost... my ability to run. When it happened, I thought that... y'know, it's the only thing that ever mattered in life. And when I didn't have purpose, I felt really lost.
[He doesn't say it like he's sad about it, though. Ryuji doesn't let this stuff bring him down just because it's a part of who he is. He doesn't let any one thing define him anymore. Ren... Haru...Ann... Makoto, Yusuke- they all showed him that.]
And it was rough. You know? Like... I had a really bad childhood. I'm not gonna get into that sorta stuff, but it was bad. When you're in it though, you don't think it really is until you suddenly like... wake up one day and everything just hits you at once. Running was kinda my way out of that.
So you're probably thinkin' "oh, of course he'd do anything to change his position, if that were the case. He'd want to run again."
And... I don't.
If it cost me the things that I love... eh, whatever. The people I love. Nah, man. I wouldn't take that deal in a million years. I'm not gonna change who I am just to be miserable in a different setting.
[He's quiet, to let Ryuji have time to think about it, if he has to. To work his way verbally through it. He's not interested in a quick answer, or a joke. Luckily, he doesn't have to put up with playing it off. He just closes his eyes and listens, nodding once. He doesn't know the whole story behind Ryuji's childhood, and he's absolutely not going to pry, but... he'd had an inkling, at least, after their time in the bar. And he already knew that his coach broke his leg.
That Ryuji would still want to live his life the way it is, instead of changing it...]
You really are the protagonist of your own life story, huh?
[It's kind of a weird thing to say, but he means it, glancing to him for a moment before looking up again. He should have expected the question to be turned back on him, and it's almost sad, thinking about hypotheticals when he's already made his choice. Made his choice, then ended up here, instead. After all this time... there's no way the Academy is still considering him a candidate for the Project.]
If it meant I could prove wrong all those people who said people without talent weren't any better than fish crap, I'd do it.
[He holds up a hand, looks at it as if he could physically grab hold of a talent.]
I dunno if I'd say I'm the protag. It's just that... I wanna make a life for myself with my own hands. Not have any regrets. That sorta thing. It's more of an aesthetic than a role.
[Even then, was he really doing that great a job of it to begin with?]
What're you...
[Can Hajime not try to catch shooting stars like it'll give him some super power? Ryuji sighs, exasperated, and moves his arm outward to knock Hajime's out from his philosophical pining.]
You're right. It doesn't matter.
[He's starting to get annoyed, but he can't put his finger on why. Just that it's there. It's always there- anger, and can't stop a few biting words from chastising Hajime by mistake... the bluntness just kind of rolls with him.]
You think havin' some super power would've done something for Rogue? It was the paralysis, the loss of gravity. [God, even saying her name.
He catches himself, holding that into his chest, and feeling... really, really bad about it.]
The world's just. It's messed up. Bad things happen, good things happen. Doesn't matter if you're Ultraman or some bum on the streets. You're doin' what you can here, and there's not a single person on this station that doesn't see you as an equal.
And if they don't, I swear to god I'll kick their ass.
[That's like... his Thing, staring at his hand!! Let him catch a shooting star and wish for a talent, okay? The kind of talent that would have let him go out and help turn the gravity back on, before Rogue drowned. Something to keep the paralysis at bay. If he were a real doctor, and not just a kid playing pretend with first-aid learned from a guy born in the 1400s.
It kind of makes him angry, too, having Ryuji just dismiss it like that. Then again, where Ryuji's from, talent isn't the be-all, end-all. There's no way he could understand.
He drops his hand to the blankets and just sighs, closing his eyes. And regretting that, because talking about Rogue and closing his eyes makes it that much easier to think about the motionless body in the infirmary.]
...Yeah, [he says finally, forcing his eyes open again. He doesn't sound convinced, but he doesn't want to argue. Not tonight.] Maybe.
[He rolls onto his side, then lets out a short laugh.] I don't know how this is supposed to make it easier to sleep, you know.
[If anything, he's just more stressed out after talking about things.]
[Isn't how that's supposed to work, though? Talking about something hard to talk about, letting it stress you out to the point you can't hold it in, and then, little by little, it becomes easier? Ryuji sighs. He never wants to be in a position where seeing a dead body is anything less than absolutely haunting. It should be. It lets him know that he still has a conscience.
But with Hajime... he knows he's being patronized. That he doesn't believe Ryuji or believe in Ryuji when he says that what he's doing... it's enough. Just like he can't go back in time and fix the gravity or the way she died, he can't really take away that pain at feeling so insignificant that any sort of talent would've given him purpose.
[...Even though he's asking, he does as he's told. Maybe this is Ryuji's way of telling him to try to get some sleep? And Ryuji can only sleep facing this way or something.
[God, is this something he's going to end up regret doing? Probably not. At least, he doesn't think he will.
He has some weird views about masculinity and sexuality, so contact with other guys is typically related to dumb things like forehead flicks and the occasional earnest fist bump. It's weird to get any more emotionally invested in that, but... it's Hajime. He'll swallow his pride.]
Close your eyes, and don't make any comments about it, aight?
[On his side, he moves his hand to touch against the flat of Hajime's back, rubbing, up and down, as comfortingly as he can. It's less massaging and more of a rhythmic motion than anything else.
Call him a mama's boy all you want, but when he was upset, and he was a kid, this got him to fall asleep, 9 times out of 10.]
[He makes a bit of a face at Ryuji telling him not to comment on whatever it is -- making snarky commentary is exactly like looking at his hand, it's a crucial part of his character!! -- but stays silent, as requested. At least... for a few seconds.
Is that... his hand on my back?
He can't help it; he arches his back and shies away from the other boy's hand, looking back over his shoulder with confusion and looking slightly weirded out. What is it with Ryuji and Haru and their casual physical contact?! His views on masculinity are... probably not that dissimilar to Ryuji's, and the most affectionate physical contact he's gotten in a long time is something like a handshake, or Ryuji draping over his shoulders, or Haru grabbing his shoulders.
It's weird having anyone try to rub his back, even weirder when it's another boy his age.]
[It's enough to make him recoil his hand like he's just shot a handgun, feeling kind of lost for a moment, and, well... stupid. Trying to keep a neutral expression to hide this weird, rejected feeling, he gives up in his attempt to try and calm Hajime down a little bit.
In retrospect, it was a little much. He smiles back at him sheepishly, swallowing it down, because what else is he supposed to do? He thought it'd help, but, it was probably unwanted.]
Huh? Oh, sorry, man. I didn't think you were a kid or anything... thought it'd help you fall asleep, y'know?
[What he wound up telling Dave earlier felt more self apparent than ever, though- he really does mess everything up he touches. In a literal kind of sense.]
[It just feels patronizing, like Ryuji's looking down on him. It's easier to accuse him of treating him like a kid than it is to ask him just how little he thinks of him.
He's just going to roll onto his back, though, trying not to think about it. It... probably would have felt nice, if he hadn't stopped the other boy. But it was just too far outside his experiences to let it go without some kind of reaction.]
Don't worry about it. That's just the kind of guy you are, huh?
[Friendly, maybe overly-so. Hajime glances sideways, gives him a bit of a crooked smile as if to prove that even if it was kind of -- okay, really -- weird, he's not upset or angry. Just-]
You and Haru both seem pretty laid-back.
[In different ways, maybe, but when it comes to showing affection?? yeah.]
I don't really understand people that well, to be honest.
[It's hard to tell if he's being just particularly harsh on himself as usual, but it's definitely how he perceives himself.]
Up until... a few months ago, I didn't have any friends, really. Haru, even shorter than that. I don't wanna give away the stuff that's hers to tell you about... but. Yeah.
[He sinks into his pillow a little bit more.]
All of my friends... we've been through a lot. And because of the stuff that we had to do to survive... to get by... I guess we just don't care about all that shit society's taught us. Or, even in Haru's case, stuff we've never learned because we were all loners.
[Hajime hums quietly, shifting back over to lay on his side to face him again. He isn't going to interrupt or anything; even he can tell that he's managed to make the other boy feel bad, and that... definitely hadn't been his goal. There's a twinge of guilt that settles, right in the middle of his chest. Maybe he'd been the one who'd overreacted.]
Haru... told me a little. About her father.
[He stops short of calling the guy an asshole, but his opinion is kind of obvious in his tone.
But this isn't about Haru. This is about Ryuji. Hajime props his head up on his hand and shakes it slightly.]
I think you understand people better than you think you do, though. I mean... I kind of wish I could be more like you, you know?
[Ah, fuck. He went and said it, grimacing a little in spite of himself. He hadn't meant to say that with his outside voice. But... the atmosphere just seems right for it, and he presses on.]
I wish I had your confidence to just... reject all that, and still be me in the end.
[Watching him turn on his side to face him again, Ryuji is right where he was a few moments ago, not having changed much other than his hand curled up under the pillow so that he wasn't encouraged to move it or do things out of anxiety- he can never really seem to keep very still.
But hearing him even say Haru's name come out of his mouth, he feels a sense of responsibility that always been intangible, in a way. More than just friendship. They were, after all, thick as thieves.
And then, as if they've reached a mutual level of understanding, his lips pour out a sentence that he probably should never have on his lips to begin with. Chances are, though, that Haru hasn't said anything about this specific thing, and he's going to mess this up.]
Yeah... I mean, guy... was a dick, but he didn't deserve what Akechi did to him.
[And then, finally, he can't take the way Hinata is looking at him as he starts to say that he wishes he were like him. Ryuji seriously doesn't think that he's a very admirable person to want to be like, so he just frowns to himself at that.]
I guess it just kinda comes natural when you give up caring what people want you to be. [He bites the inside of his cheek.] Kinda funny, sometimes I think I want to be more like you. More reserved and thoughtful.
[And then, as if he'd been holding it into his chest, he gives in. Tonight's a night of honesty.]
And not a criminal? There's that, too.
Edited (sorry i shouldn't be tagging this sleepily) 2018-06-15 04:45 (UTC)
[Hajime's eyes widen, and he drops his hand from where it's been supporting his chin. What Goro did to him? He's starting to get a sick, sinking feeling as something clenches around his heart. All Hajime knows is that he's dead -- good riddance, in his opinion -- but to add that little bit about Goro...
He doesn't get the chance to say anything at first, because Ryuji is still talking, and if he thought his head was swimming already, it definitely doesn't help to add Ryuji's confession to the mix.]
...What?
[He's almost surprised to hear his own voice, distantly, as he pushes himself up a little more to get a better look at his friend. There's... there's a lot to unpack there, and he doesn't even know where to start.]
[It took all of, what, 45 days in the station for him to blurt out something that he shouldn't have. That's pretty impressive for Ryuji, actually.
However, the consequences of his words strike him as Hajime startles, sitting straight up and begins questioning. Ryuji feels his face go whiter than possible, a feeling in his stomach that what he did right there? What he just did was fuck up... in the most spectacular type of way.
Wide eyes meet Hajime from his position below- he thought Haru told him? He thought that Haru had brought him into the fold about what had happened, and now that he's come to this junction, he realizes how bad his listening comprehension skills actually were.]
I... uh.
[He sits up.
What the HELL is he supposed to say now? He can't lie worth a damn, and it's not even in his nature to do so.]
[He thought that Hajime would come to know a lot about what happened back in Tokyo, but he didn't think that it'd be this way. It's a conversation that's been sparked months early in advance, and of course, someone like Ryuji isn't going to prepare or budget anything in for his own unfortunate lack of reservation.]
...
[Cornered, he knows he should probably just keep to his in group and push the other farther out. It's the smart thing to do. It's what a thief would do. And the thing about that? Ryuji's not that great of a thief, and has always put his friendships above the job.]
I shouldn't've said anything. Man... [Scratching the back of his head.]
What I'm about to tell you, you can't say a word about it to ANYONE, okay? Like. I need you to promise me. On everything.
[He's not exactly about to go knocking on Erika's door hey my friend is a criminal and someone who trusts me also is probably a criminal.
But that also feels kind of isolating, in a way, now that he's said it. Who can he talk to, if something happens where he can't talk to Ryuji? He doesn't want to burden Erika with his own problems, so that really... doesn't leave an exhaustive list. He presses his lips tightly together and nods more firmly.]
[T-minus 10 minutes until Hajime ends up becoming an honorary Phantom Thief, complete with the hideout meetings and a group of friends that are more intensely overbearing than he knows what to do with. This feels like a cult initiation of sorts.
Ryuji honestly doesn't even know where he should begin. He looks around the observatory, again, just to make sure that no one's there with him. He powers down his communicator, too- mostly because he doesn't want messages to come through, but also, the way Makoto had spied on him before has made him a little apprehensive of being recorded.]
Turn yours off, too. Sorry... it's just. This secret could ruin us, you know?
[He sighs, piecing together the narrative in his head. It's still all jumbled up.]
Akechi killed Haru's father by crushing his... uh, soul? I guess that's what you can call it. His shadow. I don't really think it was entirely his fault though, he was getting used by someone else. I mean, it was still kinda his fault, but what else are you gonna do when the house of cards are stacked so goddamn high against you to begin with?
I know this ain't makin' a ton of sense or anything. So... if you have questions, ask 'em and I'll try to answer the best I can. But honestly... so much of it is kinda bullshit that it's hard to...
[He bites his bottom lip.]
Look, I don't even know where I stand with Akechi. I probably oughta hate him. I don't even know if Haru does, after what he did to her father. But both of us... our party, and him, were bein' pitted against each other by some messed up forces trying to determine the worth of humanity as a whole. I mean. I think that's kinda how it was goin' down.
[It's hard to really put anything down definitively. Ryuji stopped existing for a while and was caught in a jail of consciousness- which, from his perspective, happened exactly a month and a half ago. That's when the real guy behind the curtain pulling the strings showed himself.
[He turns off his communicator, remembering something Erika said once about network security, and folds his hands in his lap. Alright, punk, get explaining.
And then, abruptly, Hajime kind of wishes he didn't know what was going on. Well, okay, he doesn't know what's going on, but leading with crushed his soul isn't exactly explanations 101 here. And continuing with "trying to determine the worth of humanity" is really...
It's not normal. It's the furthest fucking thing from normal. It's shuffling Hajime's entire set of opinions on -- most of them, really, everything from trying to figure out why Goro had shoved Ryuji away that time at the bar, to figuring out just what the relationship among Ryuji and his group of friends is.]
Crushing his soul? The "worth of humanity?"
[This is all crazy. It's nonsense! It doesn't make sense. It's too far outside what Hajime considers normal, even by the standards of this stupid space station.]
What're you talking about?!
[He's... getting loud again, which is what happens when he's frustrated and full of emotions he doesn't understand.]
[This... was going just about as well as he could've thought it would, actually. Ryuji's shoulders slump downward, seeing the frustration in Hajime's features build up to a fever pitch. This was a bad place to be in, for both of them.]
H-hey, calm down for a sec! I know it doesn't make any goddamn sense and I'm doin' a really shitty job of explaining. But it's not all that crazy, right? There are goddamn ghosts on this station, people get trapped in walls, weird signals gettin' sent to our devices.
[And he does... feel bad, particularly at the thought of crushing Hajime's view of him, because he knows he's doing it right now. That if he thought Ryuji was just absolutely some dumbass dork who dropped in from a different version of Tokyo--- well, that's still true--- but the circumstances around it were all based in the supernatural to begin with.]
I guess it's kinda dumb starting at the end and working your way backwards, so maybe I can start from the beginning? [Would that be worse? He looks on at Hajime, worried for him. For his sake, actually. He would never want to hurt him, and that's one of the reasons he was avoiding this conversation to begin with.]
Me and my friends are Phantom Thieves. Ren and I discovered a world that exists outside of the bounds of reality... where peoples' thoughts and desires take material form. People that are particularly messed up have really strong uh... cognitions... of themselves, and what we've done over the last 8 months was basically... going in there and stopping them from being shitty people.
And in order to do that, you have to steal what's corrupting them to begin with. If you steal their desires away from them, they go back to who they were to begin with, and confess everything that they've done. But if you go in and destroy a piece of what's guarding that desire, they become mentally unstable and shut down. That's what happened to Haru's dad. Akechi was being forced into doing it as part of a larger plot against us.
[That's as good as he can explain the situation, but it still feels like it's not exactly hitting home something more important--- and his gaze rises up to Hajime.]
I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you the moment we became friends. But the last time I talked about this stuff out in the open... I put all of us in danger. And I can't do that to them again. [And then, adding on-] And I don't wanna do that to Akechi, either... now that we're all here and he's getting a second chance at being normal. It's... man, it's complicated.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That goddamn piece of shit.
[It's adults like that... those are the ones who are truly fucking revolting. Ryuji takes Hajime's story to heart- the death of a student is tragic, and for it to be neatly handled like that.
A murder, nonetheless.
It's times like this he wishes he were still a Phantom Thief.]
Bullshit. That's absolutely bullshit. You only say that sorta CRAP if you're tryin' to hide something.
[Speaking from experience, of course.]
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[He's making a conscious effort to keep his voice low, teeth gritting hard enough that its starting to hurt his jaw.]
I knew Satou had a friend in the Main Course. I just... wanted to ask her some questions, but they threw me out. I couldn't even step foot in the Academy for something like that. Koizumi could visit us in the Reserve Course any time she wanted, but I--
[Fuck. Fuck. He grips the blankets with his free hand and just shakes his head again.]
Seeing what happened to Rogue, I just... I can't stop thinking about how Kuzuryuu must have felt. Even though she wasn't talented, she wanted... more than anything, she just wanted to stand beside her brother. She wouldn't have wanted to die.
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[There's no way that there wasn't some deep conspiracy plot that was taking place. He doesn't really understand Reserve Course, but he senses that it had to do something with the talent system that Hajime was intensely entrenched in. It almost makes Ryuji want to point out--
Yeah, you really wanted talent in your home world? Sounds pretty horrible, actually.
But he keeps his mouth shut (surprisingly), out of a respect for Hajime's obvious suffering and tortured thoughts. Ryuji's quiet for a moment, taking in what he had to say. Was this survivor's guilt? Probably not, but he can see how deeply fucked everything was back where Hajime came from.
It's not enough to just say you can't trust adults at a time like this, but... it's true. There's not a doubt in his mind that it wasn't the administration behind that shit. Even his own principal, in his own school, was deeply intertwined with a national political scandal that would see an insane man take the helm of ministry as his own, under the guise of reform and his cult of charisma.
And then, as if it took a little bit of time before he had something to say, Ryuji opens his mouth to talk about Rogue, but nothing seems to want to come out. Repressed feelings, right? That's what Hajime said.
So he just agrees, in the end.]
It's just... so fucked up...
There ain't any other words for it. People are always gonna be corrupt, and it's always the innocent ones that get swept up in it. The ones who can't do anything about their position in life.
I'm uh... I'm sorry, Hajime. You didn't deserve to go through that ordeal either.
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But they don't.]
What about you, Mr. Protagonist?
[He doesn't look at Ryuji, just keeps his eyes on the stars outside, still waiting for their answer.]
If you could do something to change your position in life, but you... lost everything that was important to you, would you do it?
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And by kind of, it seriously gets him by surprise, and he's left laying there, lips slowly starting to part, feeling like this wasn't just an open ended hypothetical, but something deeper. For Hajime, or for Ryuji, he can't really tell. These are the types of inquiries that are meant to define who you are, at the core.
Ryuji looks over, caught in a moment of stasis- weird for someone who's constantly humming with energy and only ever moves forward in the great 25k of life. 15.3 miles. Each one of them equally meted out with some bullshit tests of character... decision points, but in the end, the track only goes the way it knows how.
He clears his throat.]
I lost... my ability to run. When it happened, I thought that... y'know, it's the only thing that ever mattered in life. And when I didn't have purpose, I felt really lost.
[He doesn't say it like he's sad about it, though. Ryuji doesn't let this stuff bring him down just because it's a part of who he is. He doesn't let any one thing define him anymore. Ren... Haru...Ann... Makoto, Yusuke- they all showed him that.]
And it was rough. You know? Like... I had a really bad childhood. I'm not gonna get into that sorta stuff, but it was bad. When you're in it though, you don't think it really is until you suddenly like... wake up one day and everything just hits you at once. Running was kinda my way out of that.
So you're probably thinkin' "oh, of course he'd do anything to change his position, if that were the case. He'd want to run again."
And... I don't.
If it cost me the things that I love... eh, whatever. The people I love. Nah, man. I wouldn't take that deal in a million years. I'm not gonna change who I am just to be miserable in a different setting.
[Yeah.
And that's that.]
You?
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That Ryuji would still want to live his life the way it is, instead of changing it...]
You really are the protagonist of your own life story, huh?
[It's kind of a weird thing to say, but he means it, glancing to him for a moment before looking up again. He should have expected the question to be turned back on him, and it's almost sad, thinking about hypotheticals when he's already made his choice. Made his choice, then ended up here, instead. After all this time... there's no way the Academy is still considering him a candidate for the Project.]
If it meant I could prove wrong all those people who said people without talent weren't any better than fish crap, I'd do it.
[He holds up a hand, looks at it as if he could physically grab hold of a talent.]
But it's not like that matters here.
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[Even then, was he really doing that great a job of it to begin with?]
What're you...
[Can Hajime not try to catch shooting stars like it'll give him some super power? Ryuji sighs, exasperated, and moves his arm outward to knock Hajime's out from his philosophical pining.]
You're right. It doesn't matter.
[He's starting to get annoyed, but he can't put his finger on why. Just that it's there. It's always there- anger, and can't stop a few biting words from chastising Hajime by mistake... the bluntness just kind of rolls with him.]
You think havin' some super power would've done something for Rogue? It was the paralysis, the loss of gravity. [God, even saying her name.
He catches himself, holding that into his chest, and feeling... really, really bad about it.]
The world's just. It's messed up. Bad things happen, good things happen. Doesn't matter if you're Ultraman or some bum on the streets. You're doin' what you can here, and there's not a single person on this station that doesn't see you as an equal.
And if they don't, I swear to god I'll kick their ass.
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[That's like... his Thing, staring at his hand!! Let him catch a shooting star and wish for a talent, okay? The kind of talent that would have let him go out and help turn the gravity back on, before Rogue drowned. Something to keep the paralysis at bay. If he were a real doctor, and not just a kid playing pretend with first-aid learned from a guy born in the 1400s.
It kind of makes him angry, too, having Ryuji just dismiss it like that. Then again, where Ryuji's from, talent isn't the be-all, end-all. There's no way he could understand.
He drops his hand to the blankets and just sighs, closing his eyes. And regretting that, because talking about Rogue and closing his eyes makes it that much easier to think about the motionless body in the infirmary.]
...Yeah, [he says finally, forcing his eyes open again. He doesn't sound convinced, but he doesn't want to argue. Not tonight.] Maybe.
[He rolls onto his side, then lets out a short laugh.] I don't know how this is supposed to make it easier to sleep, you know.
[If anything, he's just more stressed out after talking about things.]
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But with Hajime... he knows he's being patronized. That he doesn't believe Ryuji or believe in Ryuji when he says that what he's doing... it's enough. Just like he can't go back in time and fix the gravity or the way she died, he can't really take away that pain at feeling so insignificant that any sort of talent would've given him purpose.
Ryuji just rolls on his side too, facing Hajime.
What the fuck were they going to do?]
Turn around. Face the other way.
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[...Even though he's asking, he does as he's told. Maybe this is Ryuji's way of telling him to try to get some sleep? And Ryuji can only sleep facing this way or something.
Yeah, that sounds about right.]
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He has some weird views about masculinity and sexuality, so contact with other guys is typically related to dumb things like forehead flicks and the occasional earnest fist bump. It's weird to get any more emotionally invested in that, but... it's Hajime. He'll swallow his pride.]
Close your eyes, and don't make any comments about it, aight?
[On his side, he moves his hand to touch against the flat of Hajime's back, rubbing, up and down, as comfortingly as he can. It's less massaging and more of a rhythmic motion than anything else.
Call him a mama's boy all you want, but when he was upset, and he was a kid, this got him to fall asleep, 9 times out of 10.]
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Is that... his hand on my back?
He can't help it; he arches his back and shies away from the other boy's hand, looking back over his shoulder with confusion and looking slightly weirded out. What is it with Ryuji and Haru and their casual physical contact?! His views on masculinity are... probably not that dissimilar to Ryuji's, and the most affectionate physical contact he's gotten in a long time is something like a handshake, or Ryuji draping over his shoulders, or Haru grabbing his shoulders.
It's weird having anyone try to rub his back, even weirder when it's another boy his age.]
Oi, I'm not a little kid.
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In retrospect, it was a little much. He smiles back at him sheepishly, swallowing it down, because what else is he supposed to do? He thought it'd help, but, it was probably unwanted.]
Huh? Oh, sorry, man. I didn't think you were a kid or anything... thought it'd help you fall asleep, y'know?
[What he wound up telling Dave earlier felt more self apparent than ever, though- he really does mess everything up he touches. In a literal kind of sense.]
Uhh... Yeah! Okay, so bad idea. My baaad.
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He's just going to roll onto his back, though, trying not to think about it. It... probably would have felt nice, if he hadn't stopped the other boy. But it was just too far outside his experiences to let it go without some kind of reaction.]
Don't worry about it. That's just the kind of guy you are, huh?
[Friendly, maybe overly-so. Hajime glances sideways, gives him a bit of a crooked smile as if to prove that even if it was kind of -- okay, really -- weird, he's not upset or angry. Just-]
You and Haru both seem pretty laid-back.
[In different ways, maybe, but when it comes to showing affection?? yeah.]
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I don't really understand people that well, to be honest.
[It's hard to tell if he's being just particularly harsh on himself as usual, but it's definitely how he perceives himself.]
Up until... a few months ago, I didn't have any friends, really. Haru, even shorter than that. I don't wanna give away the stuff that's hers to tell you about... but. Yeah.
[He sinks into his pillow a little bit more.]
All of my friends... we've been through a lot. And because of the stuff that we had to do to survive... to get by... I guess we just don't care about all that shit society's taught us. Or, even in Haru's case, stuff we've never learned because we were all loners.
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Haru... told me a little. About her father.
[He stops short of calling the guy an asshole, but his opinion is kind of obvious in his tone.
But this isn't about Haru. This is about Ryuji. Hajime props his head up on his hand and shakes it slightly.]
I think you understand people better than you think you do, though. I mean... I kind of wish I could be more like you, you know?
[Ah, fuck. He went and said it, grimacing a little in spite of himself. He hadn't meant to say that with his outside voice. But... the atmosphere just seems right for it, and he presses on.]
I wish I had your confidence to just... reject all that, and still be me in the end.
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But hearing him even say Haru's name come out of his mouth, he feels a sense of responsibility that always been intangible, in a way. More than just friendship. They were, after all, thick as thieves.
And then, as if they've reached a mutual level of understanding, his lips pour out a sentence that he probably should never have on his lips to begin with. Chances are, though, that Haru hasn't said anything about this specific thing, and he's going to mess this up.]
Yeah... I mean, guy... was a dick, but he didn't deserve what Akechi did to him.
[And then, finally, he can't take the way Hinata is looking at him as he starts to say that he wishes he were like him. Ryuji seriously doesn't think that he's a very admirable person to want to be like, so he just frowns to himself at that.]
I guess it just kinda comes natural when you give up caring what people want you to be. [He bites the inside of his cheek.] Kinda funny, sometimes I think I want to be more like you. More reserved and thoughtful.
[And then, as if he'd been holding it into his chest, he gives in. Tonight's a night of honesty.]
And not a criminal? There's that, too.
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[Hajime's eyes widen, and he drops his hand from where it's been supporting his chin. What Goro did to him? He's starting to get a sick, sinking feeling as something clenches around his heart. All Hajime knows is that he's dead -- good riddance, in his opinion -- but to add that little bit about Goro...
He doesn't get the chance to say anything at first, because Ryuji is still talking, and if he thought his head was swimming already, it definitely doesn't help to add Ryuji's confession to the mix.]
...What?
[He's almost surprised to hear his own voice, distantly, as he pushes himself up a little more to get a better look at his friend. There's... there's a lot to unpack there, and he doesn't even know where to start.]
What... are you talking about?
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However, the consequences of his words strike him as Hajime startles, sitting straight up and begins questioning. Ryuji feels his face go whiter than possible, a feeling in his stomach that what he did right there? What he just did was fuck up... in the most spectacular type of way.
Wide eyes meet Hajime from his position below- he thought Haru told him? He thought that Haru had brought him into the fold about what had happened, and now that he's come to this junction, he realizes how bad his listening comprehension skills actually were.]
I... uh.
[He sits up.
What the HELL is he supposed to say now? He can't lie worth a damn, and it's not even in his nature to do so.]
Well. Shit.
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[Dude? Now they're both sitting up, Hajime's face twisted into concerned confusion.]
I knew you guys were hiding something from me, but...
[Yeah, he's. Not entirely stupid. Ryuji alone would be obvious enough without Haru stepping on his figurative foot to shut him up added to the mix.
So? Go on. He's listening.]
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...
[Cornered, he knows he should probably just keep to his in group and push the other farther out. It's the smart thing to do. It's what a thief would do. And the thing about that? Ryuji's not that great of a thief, and has always put his friendships above the job.]
I shouldn't've said anything. Man... [Scratching the back of his head.]
What I'm about to tell you, you can't say a word about it to ANYONE, okay? Like. I need you to promise me. On everything.
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[He's not exactly about to go knocking on Erika's door hey my friend is a criminal and someone who trusts me also is probably a criminal.
But that also feels kind of isolating, in a way, now that he's said it. Who can he talk to, if something happens where he can't talk to Ryuji? He doesn't want to burden Erika with his own problems, so that really... doesn't leave an exhaustive list. He presses his lips tightly together and nods more firmly.]
Yeah. I promise.
[He doesn't have much of a choice.]
Tell me what's going on, Ryuji.
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Ryuji honestly doesn't even know where he should begin. He looks around the observatory, again, just to make sure that no one's there with him. He powers down his communicator, too- mostly because he doesn't want messages to come through, but also, the way Makoto had spied on him before has made him a little apprehensive of being recorded.]
Turn yours off, too. Sorry... it's just. This secret could ruin us, you know?
[He sighs, piecing together the narrative in his head. It's still all jumbled up.]
Akechi killed Haru's father by crushing his... uh, soul? I guess that's what you can call it. His shadow. I don't really think it was entirely his fault though, he was getting used by someone else. I mean, it was still kinda his fault, but what else are you gonna do when the house of cards are stacked so goddamn high against you to begin with?
I know this ain't makin' a ton of sense or anything. So... if you have questions, ask 'em and I'll try to answer the best I can. But honestly... so much of it is kinda bullshit that it's hard to...
[He bites his bottom lip.]
Look, I don't even know where I stand with Akechi. I probably oughta hate him. I don't even know if Haru does, after what he did to her father. But both of us... our party, and him, were bein' pitted against each other by some messed up forces trying to determine the worth of humanity as a whole. I mean. I think that's kinda how it was goin' down.
[It's hard to really put anything down definitively. Ryuji stopped existing for a while and was caught in a jail of consciousness- which, from his perspective, happened exactly a month and a half ago. That's when the real guy behind the curtain pulling the strings showed himself.
You know. God.]
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[He turns off his communicator, remembering something Erika said once about network security, and folds his hands in his lap. Alright, punk, get explaining.
And then, abruptly, Hajime kind of wishes he didn't know what was going on. Well, okay, he doesn't know what's going on, but leading with crushed his soul isn't exactly explanations 101 here. And continuing with "trying to determine the worth of humanity" is really...
It's not normal. It's the furthest fucking thing from normal. It's shuffling Hajime's entire set of opinions on -- most of them, really, everything from trying to figure out why Goro had shoved Ryuji away that time at the bar, to figuring out just what the relationship among Ryuji and his group of friends is.]
Crushing his soul? The "worth of humanity?"
[This is all crazy. It's nonsense! It doesn't make sense. It's too far outside what Hajime considers normal, even by the standards of this stupid space station.]
What're you talking about?!
[He's... getting loud again, which is what happens when he's frustrated and full of emotions he doesn't understand.]
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H-hey, calm down for a sec! I know it doesn't make any goddamn sense and I'm doin' a really shitty job of explaining. But it's not all that crazy, right? There are goddamn ghosts on this station, people get trapped in walls, weird signals gettin' sent to our devices.
[And he does... feel bad, particularly at the thought of crushing Hajime's view of him, because he knows he's doing it right now. That if he thought Ryuji was just absolutely some dumbass dork who dropped in from a different version of Tokyo--- well, that's still true--- but the circumstances around it were all based in the supernatural to begin with.]
I guess it's kinda dumb starting at the end and working your way backwards, so maybe I can start from the beginning? [Would that be worse? He looks on at Hajime, worried for him. For his sake, actually. He would never want to hurt him, and that's one of the reasons he was avoiding this conversation to begin with.]
Me and my friends are Phantom Thieves. Ren and I discovered a world that exists outside of the bounds of reality... where peoples' thoughts and desires take material form. People that are particularly messed up have really strong uh... cognitions... of themselves, and what we've done over the last 8 months was basically... going in there and stopping them from being shitty people.
And in order to do that, you have to steal what's corrupting them to begin with. If you steal their desires away from them, they go back to who they were to begin with, and confess everything that they've done. But if you go in and destroy a piece of what's guarding that desire, they become mentally unstable and shut down. That's what happened to Haru's dad. Akechi was being forced into doing it as part of a larger plot against us.
[That's as good as he can explain the situation, but it still feels like it's not exactly hitting home something more important--- and his gaze rises up to Hajime.]
I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you the moment we became friends. But the last time I talked about this stuff out in the open... I put all of us in danger. And I can't do that to them again. [And then, adding on-] And I don't wanna do that to Akechi, either... now that we're all here and he's getting a second chance at being normal. It's... man, it's complicated.
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