I guess. Tsundere has never really been my ideal waifu or husbando material so she's all yours.
And dude, gross.
I'm just taking up a useful resource when I see it. He can keep the rest of the pies, long as no one's getting hurt.
[ In case anyone forgot that Ren's Spidey senses pinged hard on that guy for reasons yet to be divulged. Dude is Not To Be Trusted, best remember. ]
As long as he fixes the replicators and we're not getting poisoned anymore I don't care about anything else.
But sure. Meet you over there.
[ They decide on one of the doors over a brief deliberation. Ren takes his time to wear his comfortable new threads and pop his head in at Ryo & Akira's for a list of likely candidates for the sector they'll be trying to crack.
This is probably a bad idea. This is likely a bad idea, but Ren's tired of wondering if there can be a new normal and, you know what? Now's as good a time as any to figure it out.
The coast is clear on arrival, so rather than give his brain the breathing room he busies himself with inputs. The list is... pretty extensive. There's plenty of time and chances to get it wrong and it only takes one to get it right.
[It's pretty boring minutia that doesn't really take two people to go through, but... it's definitely better having someone to talk to as they go through it. Maybe the ghosts take pity on him and later, send the clue that breaks the code, or maybe it's just all nebulous crap that isn't really meant to be completely understood.
Either way, the story ends with Ren and Ryuji sitting in front of a door, trying to bust open and figure out the secrets that lay within. When there's a goal in mind, it's easier to set your mind to it, no matter how boring the process is to get there. He rocks on the balls of his feet. This is going to be a long session.]
You really think brute forcin' this thing's gonna work?
[ Asuka and Mishima are doing the heavy lifting and it's for grunts like them to do the manual labor. Maybe not two at a time's worth, he agrees, but in the spirit of teamwork that they're accustomed to and, you know. Brotherly solidarity he can't leave Ryuji hanging, so.
Ren's been at it for a while longer, and while he thinks he gets the gist of how Asuka compiled the codes and some of the methodology understanding doesn't make his wrist be any less tired, rolling it with a wince at length. ]
F'you think beating your head against it in a more literal sense would work better then by all means. Your turn.
[ Flop. Ren's gonna starfish on the floor for a bit and ignore the buzzing in his head, the slight lump in his throat. ]
[Lucky for you, Ren, Ryuji's wrist is perfectly ready and able to handle such tasks. They've been trained adeptly, fine tuned over the years of perfect personal attention, and he could go at this for at least....
3 minutes or so.]
Nah. I think my head'll crack before this door does. [He's had a concussion before, he doesn't really want to relive that weird state of being any time soon. So, he'll just pick up where Ren left off and try a few, down the line.]
You okay there, Patrick? [You know... because of the starfish resemblance.]
[Pre-empting their really bad cartoon jokes is practically something both of them have come to terms with. Knowing each other's style of comedy just comes naturally when you spend so much of your time kicking it and laughing about literally? the dumbest shit.]
'Ey, ey! Ey.
[Leave his legs along, he's only got one good one left. Kicker, no kicking!]
God, you're the lamest. Like, that was so incredibly lame. Blue's Clues? Really?! Really. [Well, since no one's looking, he might as well just... join in a little bit.]
Heeeere's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail [Complete with a butt shake here, because, his inner fursona has been gently poked at and prodded over the last two months THANKS NAOYA] When it comes I wanna wail~
[ It was light! How much power can a guy get outta laying on his back, honestly. You're still alive and kicking, relaaaax. ]
You preempted a SpongeBob joke, I refuse to be shamed. This is a mutiny and I can put you in the chokey if I wanna.
[ He is Leader and he can do what he wants, nyanya.
...
His toe wiggles along with the mail song. Things Ren also refused to do? Look at Ryuji's shaking ass. Just half a week ago he was ugly crying into his shoulder and now Ren has to stare at the ceiling just to keep breathing. ]
'Fyou say that after every one that doesn't work you're gonna get discouraged really fast. Remember that smilin', dancin', everything is free. All you need is positivity~
[There's a lot of power to be gained off of being on your back, but that's not exactly here nor there, and rather tongue in cheek. Ryuji, on the other hand, just stares at Ren with the utmost "I am so done with you" look. Which is to say, he could never be done with Ren. Dude just had too much chutzpah to him in a way that made Ryuji always drawn to his equally high levels of bullshit antics. They brought out the best in each other (in-grouply), or the worst in each other (out-grouply). Perspective, of course.
And he also doesn't understand the boundary thing when it comes to what he should or shouldn't be doing once Ren confessed to him what his feelings were. That one? That'll take time. A lot of it. Ryuji is horrible at censoring himself from anything other than he usually is. Well.... maybe not censoring as much as it is being more aware of the effects he has on other people without truly intending to have those effects. Until then, wiggling away. Like that Jason Derulo song.]
So we moved on from Blue's Clues to Finding Nemo. [He gives a small thumbs up.] Just keep punchin', just keep punchin'.
[There's so much more work to be done on this pin pad. But also? They're both teenagers and damn, their attention span can be kind of faulty. Ryuji way more so than Ren.
But he doesn't miss that this is a spice girls reference, too, and Hi, my name is Ryuji and I kind of want to die right now. It's.
[ Oh. my god. I didn't just read that?? we were talking about how much of an idiot Ryuji is, what an utter fool to not recognize Matilda when it's thrown out in front of him. He must now eat an entire triple size double chocolate cake in its entirety, til the platter is licked clean in front of the station populace.
(And also that Ren couldn't be done with Ryuji, even if his rejection of Ren's feelings edges mentally into grey areas the further he gets from moment zero. With time comes room for doubt, snatches of clarity edging out passion but curbed into their transience thanks to depression's languor. Ren is a stranger to this specific scenario but not the broad strokes. Boundaries are still somewhere in the fog of war.
Fact remains Ren would jump into a minefield for Ryuji and that won't change over feeling awkward about a lil butt wiggle. ]
Hey, it's the power of positive thinking. The Phantom Thieves always gotta have a goal in mind to accomplish and right now the mission is punch that keypad til you can't punch it anymore.
[ What, is there something significant about Spice Girls.
Ah well, once more into the breach, Ryuji's done his three minutes. Ren hoists himself back on his feet and leans over to peer at what Ryuji's managed to get through. ]
Our codemonkey would be leagues better at this than us but, yeah. I wouldn't want Futaba here, either.
[Ryuji doesn't want anyone here from the team. It's bad enough that some of them already are, and truthfully, he's okay that Ren's here to help keep him grounded, but it's such a dumbly bittersweet thing to have. The thought of Futaba arriving one day, or Ann... he doesn't really want to wish this onto anyone. Complacent that they're not, homesick that they are, he'll just have to accept that the cards they've been dealt with are the ones that they have to play. And if that takes the shape of entering thousands of numbers into a keypad to unravel more of this bullshit, then, that's fine. It'll give them a few weeks of something to do before everything goes haywire again.
That is, to say, outside of the really horrific things that have gone down, life here is pretty simple and boring. It's a conflict that Ryuji has been trying to piece together internally. At least here, he doesn't have to think about going to college, doesn't have to deal with rejection letters from the applications he'll send in. There are people here that he's grown really attached to, as well, and just like everything else, it'll be bittersweet if they go home. Complacent that they can find happiness again, but sad that he was left behind. Everything about this place was paradox layered on top of paradox.
And then, of course, there's Ren, whom with he has a whole other slew of things to consider about. He takes up the charge for the next round of key punching, and as he backs off, he watches him. It's been long enough to process what happened during the Time of Troubles, and yet, it still kind of floats around his consciousness like he's not sure he wants to come visit that thought, to grab it and hold onto it. Was it a disservice to his best friend to intentionally not talk about this stuff? Has he ever had a problem talking about anything with Ren? Yes, and no, and yes again. But, first-]
I don't want her here either. She doesn't deserve this mess.
[He takes a seat next to the door, back flush up against it as he watches Ren take a few stabs at it. It's infuriating that infiltration is taking this long, when everything that they've done in the past as thieves moved so quickly in comparison. It creates a sense of unease in someone like Ryuji, who, with all his faults, has major attention deficit problems.]
You, uh. You wanna.... [It's on the tip of his tongue, but how much of a chicken shit is he right now to follow through?] You wanna grab something to eat after this? [Just as expected.]
[ Ryuji's hypothesis that this might be It for for them all as stuck around, in spite everything. It isn't a welcome thought but a hanger-on, an arrow that found a crumbled, weak divot in a wall under siege and has stubbornly refused to be shed by rain or time. 2B comes to mind, her disappearance matching up closer with Ren's idea of how this place worked, but he didn't relish the idea of becoming complacent with his existence even while he did thanks to the small comfort that, yeah, maybe people did go back home and that was it.
Ren was done with his primary task. Yaldabaoth was defeated and he had as clean a slate as he was going to get, backed by friends that were far away for the present but that he could reach any time of day or night. It made sense that he was focused on a future and his connections and largely spent his time on the station reinforcing those to whatever end. Even if that end was painful it existed. Even if he too went away, there was a time that something otherwise impossible was real and it wouldn't be true to himself to shut himself off from the possibilities.
Which leads to - ]
Hm? [ A bit of playacting for Ryuji's benefit; Ren's hyperawareness of him does no one good and moreover when things get quiet it's easy to hear the cogs struggling to turn, figuring out how to go on from here. ] Yeah, that'd be chill. I didn't get much to eat early today on account of PTSD.
[ Waking up, eating, then going back to sleep seemed better than whatever it is he was supposed to do now, anyway. But that would be tipping his hand that he's not the one that, when the playing field was even and his emotions weren't being amplified beyond his ability to control them, could stand there and punch numbers in in lieu of, what, clearing out of the area because it sucks to have to know that the tension creeping into the quiet is because of you and only you.
The question keeps raising the longer he doesn't follow up. Or, a question mark really, infuriating and inscrutable but demanding to be addressed. The whole subject is that and Ren doesn't feel right in breaking a tenuous peace when Ryuji won't. Ryuji doesn't have the tools and Ren is wounded and none of it is fair.
So, to barrel through or let him off the hook? Ren is self-sacrificial. On those grounds he knows the answer, but that's to say that he'll be letting Ryuji off the hook from having to address this for the rest of their lives at this rate. The yellow blur in the corner of his vision draws his eye. ]
Well, fuck. He ain't wrong about that. Ryuji's still dumb to the fact that the food was tampered with to begin with, blissfully unaware that the reason he was crying was due to some spoiled ass ramen and not his feebly latticed emotional state. It would've probably made things a little more manageable; might have helped him realize that it wasn't something naturally occurring from the lack of sleep and made him feel less shitty about his numerous breakdowns during the seven days of pure hell.
But the thing is. Ryuji's a runner. In a lot of aspects of his life. He ran to forget about all the things that were going on at home. He ran to get away from the pressure of poor performance in school. He ran away from his own problems, too, to some extent. As much as he touted his ability to tackle things head on, it was pretty much... the things that were hurting other people. It's stupidly self sacrificial, and probably one of his worst quality traits. But it's also... it's Ren. He always wants to do better, or be more than he really was, when it came to anything involving his best friend.
So when he asks if he's okay, he nods. He's alright. And if he's not, he will be. Is Ren alright?]
I mean. Yeah, I guess. [He does need to work on being a little less awkward, too.]
Actually. It's kind of up in the air? I mean, I'm usually fine as a general sort of rule of thumb here, but. I'm not okay if you're not okay, and I don't really know how you're doin'. Which means I don't know how I'm doin' either? If that makes sense. [It... definitely doesn't. He sighs, rubbing the back of an opposing elbow with his hand.]
[ There's something almost punitive about asking someone how they're doing when the answer is ninety nine percent likely to be Not great, Bob! Resisting the instinct toward bitterness is harder than it looks and yet all that's drawn out of Ren is a beleaguered, quiet sigh that makes his shoulders droop a little after.
Ryuji's mood is dependent on Ren's, and Ren's is dependent on whether or not he gets to keep being around Ryuji. Dependent is a word that comes up frequently when discussing them as a unit, cloaked in other, less damning phrases - to rely on, count on, lean on. So it's not a big surprise that Ryuji's uncertain because he doesn't know where Ren's head is at. But isn't it obvious? Ren might be so good at hiding his thoughts that not even Ryuji can see past it now, or there's willful ignorance.
Or he's still protecting Ren's feelings, and damn if that doesn't seem right. Self-sacrificing? Also chicken shit, in some respects. It puts Ren in the position of arbiter of feelings, deciding whether to protect Ryuji in return, or if adhering to their history of brutal honesty is worth the shellacking he's sure Ryuji will give himself.
I mean, about... how you feel about me. Since when do you talk in soft vagaries to Ren, man.
I'm not okay if you're not okay. Not that Ren hasn't done the same in the past, but how magnanimous of you. ]
Not much different. New day, new coat of paint to throw on it.
[ Ren's not stopping the work, needing at the very least a visual barrier, a mechanical means of not zeroing in on the beating heart of the matter. ]
You... were pretty final that I have no chance and then some stupid food made me cry for hours after that.
Like, I don't even get to be sad that you obviously like someone that isn't me if you had that realization, cuz I'm your best friend. And I am happy for you.
I dunno what you wanted to hear. We're not in the habit of lying to each other.
[So, some things are harder to talk about than thinking about talking about them, that's for... pretty damn sure. Ryuji's head was filled with different ways this would go down, but nothing really preps him for the reaction, even when he knows Ren inside and out; or at least, he thought he did up until a week ago. How much else did he not see in his best friend?
He still wants to protect Ren, and even though it is probably (chicken shit), he does it because he can't be cruel to him. At least, not intentionally, and it's pretty rough to be in a position where you have all the power in the world to do so and a brain that's wired to say the worst things at the worst possible time.]
I... uh. Man, I never wanna make you cry. Since we're not in the habit of lying and shit, I just wanted to say that. Like... shit, you're the most important person to me in the entire world, yanno? [He bites the inside of his lip until it stings. What the hell was he supposed to be saying out of all of this? They're both in a better place now physically, having gotten some sleep and taken care of their bodies for a little bit.
But that part about him liking someone else still kind of stings, and he doesn't know why. Ren probably knows everything Ryuji's about to say, since it's... just who he is as a person, but maybe it needs to be said anyway.]
I never learned how to deal with feelings and emotions... you know that, right? Like. I grew up in a place where that sorta shit was all sortsa effed up. I coped with everything by... uh. Running? Like... both ways, kinda actually running and running away in the other sense.
[So the feelings he has toward someone else is also kind of terrifying and not really in a good way, either.]
I shoulda told you, man. Like, the second that I kinda knew it was a thing. Maybe I wouldn't have... I wouldn't have fucked up as much as I did? And it's not an excuse or anything, that thing I said about my home... but that's just kinda how I deal with shit. Like a wimp. [He scratches the back of his head. God, it's so hard to figure out what he's trying to say that he just ends up rambling- he really has no idea how to identify and explain the way he's... actually pretty messed up on the inside. It's like he knows he's damaged goods, here, but it's just pathetic to sit there and tell his best friend that.
But communication is important too? Maybe he's taken for granted how much he trusts Ren to know everything about him. And even if he does know all this shit, they should... they should be able to actually get into this type of conversation without needing a fucking compass to get through the most basic of things. Like, hey- I was abused my entire childhood, and honestly I don't really know how this shit is supposed to go down, since the only concept I have of love was ruined, and--- wait, this conversation shouldn't be happening in his head.]
You taught me what it feels like to be a part of something, to be loved. And uh, it's like. I don't really know how to take care of this sort of thing? The only example I ever had was what happened at home. So, I guess what I'm tryin' to say here, man, is that. Like. I love you? I really do. And I'm sorry I broke your heart.
[ Ryuji's more eloquent than he gives himself credit for. He rambles, sure - Ren doesn't know that someone wouldn't after being dragged a little, scrambling to make up for lost ground and hurt feelings til things are at least a bit better than they were. Maybe they were both questioning how well they knew one another and seeing what flies, but the truth is now that they were going over the top from their respective trenches Ren can't say that all that much changed. Ryuji is still Ryuji, and Ren is still who he is, and all the anger and pseudo resentment that the heart could build up to protect itself crumbles to the things he permits Ryuji out of brotherhood, of love.
So he may have gotten in his truthful jab but it doesn't make him feel better. Listening just makes it worse and Ren can't pretend to do something else, hugging the small datapad of codes to he chest, rising and falling with his diaphragm. Simple movement, something calm to focus on when the eddies start pulling harder.
And eventually, somewhere in the midst of the tougher admissions that slot in with what Ren might have outlined in his mental picture of Ryuji, he spends half a second considering it before, no yeah, he's gonna sit next to Ryuji and set his fist lightly on his dumb crispy head on the way down, a bit of torque applied. Stop shitting on yourself. Add to that: stop shitting on your feelings too.
The back of Ren's head thunks against the corridor wall while he wills his vision to clear. His crying is sorta what got them here in the first place. The glasses come off, folded and put quietly in his lap.
There's only so many ways he can say it's not your fault. ]
I wasn't blaming you, okay. M'trying not be all jealousy monster because you're... so important to me and maybe I was conflating things like. If you didn't like me the same way maybe I didn't have enough to offer. I messed up somewhere along the way, something to make it make sense when that really isn't how it works, it's just bullshit you make up to make a rejection hurt less. Or more, I dunno. You're looking for a release just so you can move on.
[ It sucks to lose to someone else. Using game language abstracts it, removes emotion, lets Ren concede even if attraction isn't as clean as that implies. All the sticky points are still there and he wants so badly to reach out and do what best friends aren't really allowed to do so that Ryuji is comforted but he stays, giving him space but being Near. within reach, what Ren has not been in the almost two weeks previous. ]
It was a shitty way to be told. And... and don't take it all on your shoulders, cuz I wasn't sure I was going to say anything. I tried not to be noticeable. Just seemed like it'd be a cruel thing to start something and then - go away.
[ Ren sighs, a little shuddery as it leaves him. Turned out real great didn't it? Now Ryuji gets to not be attracted to him and know, and isn't that wonderful. ]
You could've been more honest, but why would you have told me you were crushing? Like, I appreciate the thought and I usually am all about your love of manga clichés like telling your bestie about a cute girl you think you're into but it's not something you should beat yourself up over. I got responsibility too.
You can't keep doing that. Stop hurting yourself cuz -
[ He stops, takes a quick sharp breath that stabs the middle of his chest suddenly because he may have been working through it as he spoke but god the thought echoes all the way back to those dank, cold dungeons inside Kamoshda's castle. The worst part is that he recognizes it; this conclusion is not a stranger to Ren. ]
- cuz you think you deserve it. And that you aren't useful for anything else. You're not a dumping ground for both our mistakes and pain, man.
[ In that respect Ren's heartbreak doesn't mean a lot. It's well and good to tell him hey don't do that, but it doesn't do the work of undoing the bullshit he went through as a kid. His whole life. Fuck.
That's probably what Ren means when he says ]
I love you too, you know? I'm not feeling sorry for you when I say that, I'm not just being pissed at your dad and Kamoshida and everybody that fucked off and left you alone when you stood up for someone. You aren't a carpet for me to walk all over, and you're not something there to make me look better til I find something else.
You're Ryuji. And that's all I need to know, okay?
[ It feels good to get all that out. Draining, but good, which is maybe how confessing is supposed to feel but this has morphed into something else that goes to the absolute root and Ren can't say that he minds his confession being a conduit to a bigger conversation that he didn't know needed to be had. In that sense, screw his broken heart. He's glad his eyes are clear enough to see it now.
He's close enough for the shoulder bump but Ren finds himself draping an arm across Ryuji's shoulders and his dumb, really bad posture and shaking him a little. And if it turns into an invitation to lean into him like Ryuji gave him, then he doesn't mention it cuz he has more air to clear. ]
So, y'know. Go. Be free. Have all the awkward gay feels you want to and complain about beard burn cuz that shit sucks.
I'll still be here. And, you know. Come to me if you're having problems and I'll break his legs, no sweat.
[It's really, a lot to take in. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, just whether or not that they come tumbling down in a mountain, skull after skull, is pretty much left up to chance or fate, when it comes to dealing with being born and dealt the hand of cards you got in life. He's never one to dwell on much of anything, really, and it's uncharacteristic of him to drag his feet around things. But this was one of those things that were more like a ball and chain shackled around his ankle, and as strong as he could get those legs to get going... honestly, it was still there and it was kind of a bitch to deal with. It's easy to take the path of least resistance- to say that all the things he does or says are just a part of his own idiocy, but they're pretty layered when dissected out in the open, and here, Ren is becoming more of a heart surgeon than a heart thief. He wanted to clear the air and help Ren understand why he's so messed up, he wasn't really expecting to just... be taken into the palm of his hands and told that it's going to be okay. He was hunkering down for whatever blow came next, but again, that's his past coming back with ghosts in spades to haunt him.
Because Ren's right. At the root of it, he did earnestly believe that the bad things that came were of his own rock to bear, and that's just how he's always been. It's not exactly healthy, either.
He just wanted to make things right, by the both of them. And so, the only response that he really has to all of this is---]
Okay.
[He was listening to everything you said, Ren, it'll just take a little (lot) of time to unpack, because he doesn't bring this shit up often enough to know how to respond on the fly to it. His lips curve into an upward bend, a small smile that creeps up one side of his face.
Ryuji holds out his fist for a bump, because actions are always and have always been more important than words for him, as dumb and symbolic as the gesture was. And god, gay feelings. Does he have to talk about them like that?]
But, uh. What the eff is beard burn?
[Also, please don't go breaking legs just yet, dude.]
[ Would he be lying if he said he didn't set out to explicitly dismantle - like, everything like that? Ren feels like he's done a year's worth of talking in about five minutes with the density of it and it isn't like he's not relieved that that much more is out there on the table in open air, but it's not worth picking out and examining every nook and cranny if the jist is grasped there and then. It's just a lot, yeah.
He'd started as nearly mute pebbles at a precarious peak and this is how an avalanche happens. He's not sorry, god he's so not because a simple "okay" is basically what he discovered he'd wanted as he gained momentum and realized too late that this was going somewhere and they'd have to deal. "Okay" he can work with.
There's a tiny part of him that still wants Ryuji to love him back the way he wants to be, but that's vastly overshadowed by Ren wanting Ryuji to love his damn self and feel like he could own it. So yeah man, fistbump, cuz it's not like Ryuji's in it alone on this long ass journey.
And yep they have to talk about gay feelings like that, sorry he doesn't write the rules. ]
I could tell you about my first boyfriend or you can find out with your kawaii crushu~, depending on what time he gets his five o'clock shadow.
Now, don't get him wrong, he's been pretty cagey about the whole thing himself, but he would've thought that maybe it might've come up once or twice, like, ever- but then again, it wasn't really owed to him to know that sort of stuff. Was it in his past? Was he dating someone in Tokyo? He wants those juicy deets.]
Uhh...
[On second thought, maybe not?
Ryuji's perfectly fine living in the land of perpetually finding it impossible to grow facial hair. And whereas he's Asian and his doki interest isn't... does that mean this is something he might? Have to deal with? One day.
Uhhh, indeed.]
Five... o'clock shadow? Dude, beards are cool and all, but what the hell are you goin' on about.
[ Just ask?? He knows you're new to the "hey I like men/too" club but you don't have to freak about Ren having dated before. If he knew it was gonna suddenly make Ryuji all that uncomfortable he kinda wishes he'd have kept his mouth shut. He already kind of does wish it, if he's being... FORREAL.
He knows they're both Japanese and therefore scraggly beards are the end all, but come on man, has he never seen an American action movie in his life? Did not Sylvester Stallone's stronk chin look like you could strike a match off it?
Ren's brows narrow in a real seriously? expression. Then his free hand finds his own cheek, gaze gone inward in brief thought. Yeah he kinda let his personal grooming go a bit over hell week? It takes a LOT for guys like them to get peach fuzz, let alone some serious darkness going, but maybe...
Yeah fuck it. The arm over Ryuji's shoulders shifts and a hand smooshes Ryuji's cheek into the broadside of Ren's where he rubs about a week and change's growth up and down like a particularly trolly cat, smirking the whole time.
That's what you might have to look forward to, man. ]
[Wait, what? He LOVES ACTION MOVIES; he's seen so many of them he can barely keep track of the more memorable ones, but it doesn't really make sense as to what beards have to do with dating dudes, let alone how they can actually burn you? He doesn't know the plight of being rubbed up against like sandpaper, because he's never had that experience and he never thought he'd ever have to, and here comes Ren, rolling in like a WRECKING BALL.
What are you.
Why is he getting closer.
Why is he pulling him in?
What's going---
ON????
WHY IS HE LIKE THIS.]
ACK. AH, REN. GODDAMNIT, WHAT THE FUCK.
[Congrats, you got a rare fuck out of him.]
THAT FEELS HORRIBLE.
[He immediately tries to push at his chest, to get him off of him. This is what Lisa's tongue must feel like against his cheek, and it's not the life he was thinking that would be relevant to him any time soon.]
Dude, when did you get the willpower to even grow that shit!? [Ryuji's still a little bit behind in the development stages of Becoming a Man (tm), so he can't really commiserate with Ren's subtle growth.]
Shit, is that what your boyfriend used to do you?!
[ Ren is doing you a favor, my guy, trust him. You don't want to go in for the first smooch and be caught completely unawares by The Stubble. The lost lands where brave lips tread too far out of safety and into its abrasive embrace. Ren is honestly bewildered that Ryuji's never heard of it, maybe because the romance novel he read was focused on a man and woman and by and large fantasy writing will stick to describing the woman, not the face sandpaper the woman has to deal with, so. THE MORE YOU KNOW ★
But Ren? Ren's cackling and releases Ryuji fast enough, pressing a fist up to his mouth to contain the pure evil within. ]
Dude, you don't need willpower, you need a complete void of it while The Bee Gees scrape out the rest of your will to live, too.
But nah, not really. Well I say "boyfriend" but we were more, uh. Casual than that?
[ God, Ren hasn't thought about him for over a year, probably going on two on the scoreboard. A wry smile turns his mouth lopsided, scratching the back of his head like he needed the help shaking details loose, that's how much of an impact this guy has on who Ren is now. ]
I crushed on him hard in middle school and sorta followed him around like a puppy. He hit a growth spurt before the rest of us and he was really good looking, you know? I got to stick around but I don't think he liked me too much. You don't have to like people when they like you just fine for not even doing anything, right.
And then it's a small town, so of course we go to the same high school. And we sort of - got together. [ Is he using a lot of qualifiers? Shrug. ] He wouldn't let me sit with him and his friends at lunch. Or walk with me or anything, but we made out a lot and, uh. Other stuff. I don't think he told anyone.
[ Again, shrug. ]
I guess I didn't either. So, uh - yeah you just have to watch for The Burn when you feel like you're, y'know, gonna kiss 'em, kay?
[DUDE... it is way, way, way too soon to start cracking jokes about any form of music.]
Ugh... it's gonna takes weeks for me to ever wanna listen to anything at this rate.
[Spice Girls are on the perma-ban list. He looks down at his smartwatch, half considering just... uninstalling his mp3 library. Except, really, that would be shooting himself in the foot and acting rash without really figuring out the long term benefits of music and chill. Listen, Webflix isn't a thing up here.]
Yeah, man. I dunno about small town life but it seems kinda like you gotta do that sorta thing if you have a pretty non-conformin' type of relationship deal going on. But... screw that.
[Ryuji's not about to start organizing pride parades or anything here- he's still coming to terms with coming out to begin with, but... he could totally see why dating someone you couldn't even hold hands with in public is just. Not fun? Bad?
There were so many toxic things from their own world that could be shed up here, on the station. No society to tell them what to do or not do. No adults to reinforce pressure on acting the "right" way. From that perspective, Ren and Ryuji could both just... figure out anything they wanted to about themselves. Have chances where they might not have back home.
He smiles supportively and drapes an arm over him.]
Hey man. You're still gonna sit with me at lunch, right?
[You better fucking believe it.]
E---eh!? Whoa, dude, you're jumpin' the gun here. I haven't even thought about tellin' him how I feel. Kissing is like. I.
[ #Toosoon. Ren doesn't even have a mp3 played to curse and threaten to run underneath the replicator goop nozzle. Ren's grinning in spite of himself, letting Ryuji tease him out of a year that was largely forgettable compared to what came after. ]
As long as you're good with still rooming with someone that thinks you're ~*~totally dreamy~*~ then sure, lunch? Total bro affair.
And yeah, well. Now that you found a new and shiny thing you'll get excited for it, so don't worry 'bout that. Guess just don't do it like me and it'll be fine.
[ Take a wink and pay no attention to the sad man behind the curtain.
But Ren's fucked up because he doesn't have a follow up to that right away so here he is caught with his foot in the beat between thought and action, admiring his valiant attempt at being encouraging amidst dejection like a basketball player admires the arc of their throw toward the net and it hasn't quite swished yet.
And Ren's always been guilty of enjoying when Ryuji's hand is bumped off the genki boy mask and he's adorably overloaded til he gets his cool back. Ostensibly what Ren said should've helped and soon enough it'll abate, and because Ren hid it before it'd be the right thing to do to hide it now.
But his foot's caught, and for a few moments he forgets to not be selfish and just... looks. With his heart right there in his eyes and tugging up half his mouth, and it's no secret between them that he's the only one Ren'd unburden himself of the leader mantle in front of. Crush or no that's their relationship: built on absolute trust, letting them dispense with pretenses of being strong or clever or blindingly loyal and taking it as a baseline for other things they need to chew on and work out aloud.
It's too late to trust Ryuji with not breaking his heart, but he instinctively has put himself into the palm of Ryuji's hands with what remains anyway. That it won't go away, but even as the light returns to Ren's eyes and he realizes he's what he's doing, he knows he'll be able to live with it and try not to have expectations beyond that.
Ren blinks, turns away, and clears his throat as he starts climbing back to his feet to shake off Ryuji's arm. ]
Y'know, I'm kinda not feeling it anymore? Wanna cut right to lunch and try again after?
[ Ren's already turned around though and offered his hand. ]
[The stank face he's making right now at those two sentences are something so legendarily Ryuji that it's practically about to jump out and smack Ren upside the head with it.]
What the...
[He doesn't know why the words "new and shiny" really fucking bother him, like he didn't vomit up how he felt to Ren enough times over the course of their friendship over the last year to make it stick... or something. So before he gets to dismissing the entire affair and offering to grab some grub, he pauses, looks over and does the deed of reminding him of something that's so incredibly important to him, on Earth as it is in Space Heaven.]
You know what we got isn't some fashion fad, right, dude? Like you said that, and I know you're jokin', 'cause you're hash-tag Joker. But no matter what happens, don't go forgetting what I told ya. My place is next to you.
And no one's gonna replace that.
[He'll say it again and again until he's blue in the face, because it's a cornerstone. Take that cornerstone out and the house tumbles.
But with the reminder out there in the open, he sighs, and nods.]
Yeah, let's go eat. All this talk is makin' me hungry for some meat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Yeah
Wow, Ryo-yo has his fingers in like
All the damn pies, huh?
I guess that's the kind of guy he is
Fingerin' those pies
He's been helpin' with the doors too. Yeah, we could give it a whirl!
-> action
And dude, gross.
I'm just taking up a useful resource when I see it. He can keep the rest of the pies, long as no one's getting hurt.
[ In case anyone forgot that Ren's Spidey senses pinged hard on that guy for reasons yet to be divulged. Dude is Not To Be Trusted, best remember. ]
As long as he fixes the replicators and we're not getting poisoned anymore I don't care about anything else.
But sure. Meet you over there.
[ They decide on one of the doors over a brief deliberation. Ren takes his time to wear his comfortable new threads and pop his head in at Ryo & Akira's for a list of likely candidates for the sector they'll be trying to crack.
This is probably a bad idea. This is likely a bad idea, but Ren's tired of wondering if there can be a new normal and, you know what? Now's as good a time as any to figure it out.
The coast is clear on arrival, so rather than give his brain the breathing room he busies himself with inputs. The list is... pretty extensive. There's plenty of time and chances to get it wrong and it only takes one to get it right.
All that's needed is time and effort. ]
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Either way, the story ends with Ren and Ryuji sitting in front of a door, trying to bust open and figure out the secrets that lay within. When there's a goal in mind, it's easier to set your mind to it, no matter how boring the process is to get there. He rocks on the balls of his feet. This is going to be a long session.]
You really think brute forcin' this thing's gonna work?
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[ Asuka and Mishima are doing the heavy lifting and it's for grunts like them to do the manual labor. Maybe not two at a time's worth, he agrees, but in the spirit of teamwork that they're accustomed to and, you know. Brotherly solidarity he can't leave Ryuji hanging, so.
Ren's been at it for a while longer, and while he thinks he gets the gist of how Asuka compiled the codes and some of the methodology understanding doesn't make his wrist be any less tired, rolling it with a wince at length. ]
F'you think beating your head against it in a more literal sense would work better then by all means. Your turn.
[ Flop. Ren's gonna starfish on the floor for a bit and ignore the buzzing in his head, the slight lump in his throat. ]
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3 minutes or so.]
Nah. I think my head'll crack before this door does. [He's had a concussion before, he doesn't really want to relive that weird state of being any time soon. So, he'll just pick up where Ren left off and try a few, down the line.]
You okay there, Patrick? [You know... because of the starfish resemblance.]
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No, this is - ah damnit, I can't make that joke cuz you called me Patrick.
[ Ren lifts one knee to allow the other foot to pass under it - kick. Ryuji sucks. Well. Everything sucks but Ryuji especially and Ren the most. ]
It's not like Blues Clues man, it's not gonna jump out at us. You gotta sit there in that thinking chair and think, think, thiiink.
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'Ey, ey! Ey.
[Leave his legs along, he's only got one good one left. Kicker, no kicking!]
God, you're the lamest. Like, that was so incredibly lame. Blue's Clues? Really?! Really. [Well, since no one's looking, he might as well just... join in a little bit.]
Heeeere's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail [Complete with a butt shake here, because, his inner fursona has been gently poked at and prodded over the last two months THANKS NAOYA] When it comes I wanna wail~
Nope, this code didn't work either. [SIGHS.]
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You preempted a SpongeBob joke, I refuse to be shamed. This is a mutiny and I can put you in the chokey if I wanna.
[ He is Leader and he can do what he wants, nyanya.
...
His toe wiggles along with the mail song. Things Ren also refused to do? Look at Ryuji's shaking ass. Just half a week ago he was ugly crying into his shoulder and now Ren has to stare at the ceiling just to keep breathing. ]
'Fyou say that after every one that doesn't work you're gonna get discouraged really fast. Remember that smilin', dancin', everything is free. All you need is positivity~
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And he also doesn't understand the boundary thing when it comes to what he should or shouldn't be doing once Ren confessed to him what his feelings were. That one? That'll take time. A lot of it. Ryuji is horrible at censoring himself from anything other than he usually is. Well.... maybe not censoring as much as it is being more aware of the effects he has on other people without truly intending to have those effects. Until then, wiggling away. Like that Jason Derulo song.]
So we moved on from Blue's Clues to Finding Nemo. [He gives a small thumbs up.] Just keep punchin', just keep punchin'.
[There's so much more work to be done on this pin pad. But also? They're both teenagers and damn, their attention span can be kind of faulty. Ryuji way more so than Ren.
But he doesn't miss that this is a spice girls reference, too, and Hi, my name is Ryuji and I kind of want to die right now. It's.
It's too soon, dude.]
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(And also that Ren couldn't be done with Ryuji, even if his rejection of Ren's feelings edges mentally into grey areas the further he gets from moment zero. With time comes room for doubt, snatches of clarity edging out passion but curbed into their transience thanks to depression's languor. Ren is a stranger to this specific scenario but not the broad strokes. Boundaries are still somewhere in the fog of war.
Fact remains Ren would jump into a minefield for Ryuji and that won't change over feeling awkward about a lil butt wiggle. ]
Hey, it's the power of positive thinking. The Phantom Thieves always gotta have a goal in mind to accomplish and right now the mission is punch that keypad til you can't punch it anymore.
[ What, is there something significant about Spice Girls.
Ah well, once more into the breach, Ryuji's done his three minutes. Ren hoists himself back on his feet and leans over to peer at what Ryuji's managed to get through. ]
Our codemonkey would be leagues better at this than us but, yeah. I wouldn't want Futaba here, either.
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That is, to say, outside of the really horrific things that have gone down, life here is pretty simple and boring. It's a conflict that Ryuji has been trying to piece together internally. At least here, he doesn't have to think about going to college, doesn't have to deal with rejection letters from the applications he'll send in. There are people here that he's grown really attached to, as well, and just like everything else, it'll be bittersweet if they go home. Complacent that they can find happiness again, but sad that he was left behind. Everything about this place was paradox layered on top of paradox.
And then, of course, there's Ren, whom with he has a whole other slew of things to consider about. He takes up the charge for the next round of key punching, and as he backs off, he watches him. It's been long enough to process what happened during the Time of Troubles, and yet, it still kind of floats around his consciousness like he's not sure he wants to come visit that thought, to grab it and hold onto it. Was it a disservice to his best friend to intentionally not talk about this stuff? Has he ever had a problem talking about anything with Ren? Yes, and no, and yes again. But, first-]
I don't want her here either. She doesn't deserve this mess.
[He takes a seat next to the door, back flush up against it as he watches Ren take a few stabs at it. It's infuriating that infiltration is taking this long, when everything that they've done in the past as thieves moved so quickly in comparison. It creates a sense of unease in someone like Ryuji, who, with all his faults, has major attention deficit problems.]
You, uh. You wanna.... [It's on the tip of his tongue, but how much of a chicken shit is he right now to follow through?] You wanna grab something to eat after this? [Just as expected.]
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Ren was done with his primary task. Yaldabaoth was defeated and he had as clean a slate as he was going to get, backed by friends that were far away for the present but that he could reach any time of day or night. It made sense that he was focused on a future and his connections and largely spent his time on the station reinforcing those to whatever end. Even if that end was painful it existed. Even if he too went away, there was a time that something otherwise impossible was real and it wouldn't be true to himself to shut himself off from the possibilities.
Which leads to - ]
Hm? [ A bit of playacting for Ryuji's benefit; Ren's hyperawareness of him does no one good and moreover when things get quiet it's easy to hear the cogs struggling to turn, figuring out how to go on from here. ] Yeah, that'd be chill. I didn't get much to eat early today on account of PTSD.
[ Waking up, eating, then going back to sleep seemed better than whatever it is he was supposed to do now, anyway. But that would be tipping his hand that he's not the one that, when the playing field was even and his emotions weren't being amplified beyond his ability to control them, could stand there and punch numbers in in lieu of, what, clearing out of the area because it sucks to have to know that the tension creeping into the quiet is because of you and only you.
The question keeps raising the longer he doesn't follow up. Or, a question mark really, infuriating and inscrutable but demanding to be addressed. The whole subject is that and Ren doesn't feel right in breaking a tenuous peace when Ryuji won't. Ryuji doesn't have the tools and Ren is wounded and none of it is fair.
So, to barrel through or let him off the hook? Ren is self-sacrificial. On those grounds he knows the answer, but that's to say that he'll be letting Ryuji off the hook from having to address this for the rest of their lives at this rate. The yellow blur in the corner of his vision draws his eye. ]
You okay?
[ It's a start. ]
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Well, fuck. He ain't wrong about that. Ryuji's still dumb to the fact that the food was tampered with to begin with, blissfully unaware that the reason he was crying was due to some spoiled ass ramen and not his feebly latticed emotional state. It would've probably made things a little more manageable; might have helped him realize that it wasn't something naturally occurring from the lack of sleep and made him feel less shitty about his numerous breakdowns during the seven days of pure hell.
But the thing is. Ryuji's a runner. In a lot of aspects of his life. He ran to forget about all the things that were going on at home. He ran to get away from the pressure of poor performance in school. He ran away from his own problems, too, to some extent. As much as he touted his ability to tackle things head on, it was pretty much... the things that were hurting other people. It's stupidly self sacrificial, and probably one of his worst quality traits. But it's also... it's Ren. He always wants to do better, or be more than he really was, when it came to anything involving his best friend.
So when he asks if he's okay, he nods. He's alright. And if he's not, he will be. Is Ren alright?]
I mean. Yeah, I guess. [He does need to work on being a little less awkward, too.]
Actually. It's kind of up in the air? I mean, I'm usually fine as a general sort of rule of thumb here, but. I'm not okay if you're not okay, and I don't really know how you're doin'. Which means I don't know how I'm doin' either? If that makes sense. [It... definitely doesn't. He sighs, rubbing the back of an opposing elbow with his hand.]
I mean, about... how you feel about me.
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Ryuji's mood is dependent on Ren's, and Ren's is dependent on whether or not he gets to keep being around Ryuji. Dependent is a word that comes up frequently when discussing them as a unit, cloaked in other, less damning phrases - to rely on, count on, lean on. So it's not a big surprise that Ryuji's uncertain because he doesn't know where Ren's head is at. But isn't it obvious? Ren might be so good at hiding his thoughts that not even Ryuji can see past it now, or there's willful ignorance.
Or he's still protecting Ren's feelings, and damn if that doesn't seem right. Self-sacrificing? Also chicken shit, in some respects. It puts Ren in the position of arbiter of feelings, deciding whether to protect Ryuji in return, or if adhering to their history of brutal honesty is worth the shellacking he's sure Ryuji will give himself.
I mean, about... how you feel about me. Since when do you talk in soft vagaries to Ren, man.
I'm not okay if you're not okay. Not that Ren hasn't done the same in the past, but how magnanimous of you. ]
Not much different. New day, new coat of paint to throw on it.
[ Ren's not stopping the work, needing at the very least a visual barrier, a mechanical means of not zeroing in on the beating heart of the matter. ]
You... were pretty final that I have no chance and then some stupid food made me cry for hours after that.
Like, I don't even get to be sad that you obviously like someone that isn't me if you had that realization, cuz I'm your best friend. And I am happy for you.
I dunno what you wanted to hear. We're not in the habit of lying to each other.
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He still wants to protect Ren, and even though it is probably (chicken shit), he does it because he can't be cruel to him. At least, not intentionally, and it's pretty rough to be in a position where you have all the power in the world to do so and a brain that's wired to say the worst things at the worst possible time.]
I... uh. Man, I never wanna make you cry. Since we're not in the habit of lying and shit, I just wanted to say that. Like... shit, you're the most important person to me in the entire world, yanno? [He bites the inside of his lip until it stings. What the hell was he supposed to be saying out of all of this? They're both in a better place now physically, having gotten some sleep and taken care of their bodies for a little bit.
But that part about him liking someone else still kind of stings, and he doesn't know why. Ren probably knows everything Ryuji's about to say, since it's... just who he is as a person, but maybe it needs to be said anyway.]
I never learned how to deal with feelings and emotions... you know that, right? Like. I grew up in a place where that sorta shit was all sortsa effed up. I coped with everything by... uh. Running? Like... both ways, kinda actually running and running away in the other sense.
[So the feelings he has toward someone else is also kind of terrifying and not really in a good way, either.]
I shoulda told you, man. Like, the second that I kinda knew it was a thing. Maybe I wouldn't have... I wouldn't have fucked up as much as I did? And it's not an excuse or anything, that thing I said about my home... but that's just kinda how I deal with shit. Like a wimp. [He scratches the back of his head. God, it's so hard to figure out what he's trying to say that he just ends up rambling- he really has no idea how to identify and explain the way he's... actually pretty messed up on the inside. It's like he knows he's damaged goods, here, but it's just pathetic to sit there and tell his best friend that.
But communication is important too? Maybe he's taken for granted how much he trusts Ren to know everything about him. And even if he does know all this shit, they should... they should be able to actually get into this type of conversation without needing a fucking compass to get through the most basic of things. Like, hey- I was abused my entire childhood, and honestly I don't really know how this shit is supposed to go down, since the only concept I have of love was ruined, and--- wait, this conversation shouldn't be happening in his head.]
You taught me what it feels like to be a part of something, to be loved. And uh, it's like. I don't really know how to take care of this sort of thing? The only example I ever had was what happened at home. So, I guess what I'm tryin' to say here, man, is that. Like. I love you? I really do. And I'm sorry I broke your heart.
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So he may have gotten in his truthful jab but it doesn't make him feel better. Listening just makes it worse and Ren can't pretend to do something else, hugging the small datapad of codes to he chest, rising and falling with his diaphragm. Simple movement, something calm to focus on when the eddies start pulling harder.
And eventually, somewhere in the midst of the tougher admissions that slot in with what Ren might have outlined in his mental picture of Ryuji, he spends half a second considering it before, no yeah, he's gonna sit next to Ryuji and set his fist lightly on his dumb crispy head on the way down, a bit of torque applied. Stop shitting on yourself. Add to that: stop shitting on your feelings too.
The back of Ren's head thunks against the corridor wall while he wills his vision to clear. His crying is sorta what got them here in the first place. The glasses come off, folded and put quietly in his lap.
There's only so many ways he can say it's not your fault. ]
I wasn't blaming you, okay. M'trying not be all jealousy monster because you're... so important to me and maybe I was conflating things like. If you didn't like me the same way maybe I didn't have enough to offer. I messed up somewhere along the way, something to make it make sense when that really isn't how it works, it's just bullshit you make up to make a rejection hurt less. Or more, I dunno. You're looking for a release just so you can move on.
[ It sucks to lose to someone else. Using game language abstracts it, removes emotion, lets Ren concede even if attraction isn't as clean as that implies. All the sticky points are still there and he wants so badly to reach out and do what best friends aren't really allowed to do so that Ryuji is comforted but he stays, giving him space but being Near. within reach, what Ren has not been in the almost two weeks previous. ]
It was a shitty way to be told. And... and don't take it all on your shoulders, cuz I wasn't sure I was going to say anything. I tried not to be noticeable. Just seemed like it'd be a cruel thing to start something and then - go away.
[ Ren sighs, a little shuddery as it leaves him. Turned out real great didn't it? Now Ryuji gets to not be attracted to him and know, and isn't that wonderful. ]
You could've been more honest, but why would you have told me you were crushing? Like, I appreciate the thought and I usually am all about your love of manga clichés like telling your bestie about a cute girl you think you're into but it's not something you should beat yourself up over. I got responsibility too.
You can't keep doing that. Stop hurting yourself cuz -
[ He stops, takes a quick sharp breath that stabs the middle of his chest suddenly because he may have been working through it as he spoke but god the thought echoes all the way back to those dank, cold dungeons inside Kamoshda's castle. The worst part is that he recognizes it; this conclusion is not a stranger to Ren. ]
- cuz you think you deserve it. And that you aren't useful for anything else. You're not a dumping ground for both our mistakes and pain, man.
[ In that respect Ren's heartbreak doesn't mean a lot. It's well and good to tell him hey don't do that, but it doesn't do the work of undoing the bullshit he went through as a kid. His whole life. Fuck.
That's probably what Ren means when he says ]
I love you too, you know? I'm not feeling sorry for you when I say that, I'm not just being pissed at your dad and Kamoshida and everybody that fucked off and left you alone when you stood up for someone. You aren't a carpet for me to walk all over, and you're not something there to make me look better til I find something else.
You're Ryuji. And that's all I need to know, okay?
[ It feels good to get all that out. Draining, but good, which is maybe how confessing is supposed to feel but this has morphed into something else that goes to the absolute root and Ren can't say that he minds his confession being a conduit to a bigger conversation that he didn't know needed to be had. In that sense, screw his broken heart. He's glad his eyes are clear enough to see it now.
He's close enough for the shoulder bump but Ren finds himself draping an arm across Ryuji's shoulders and his dumb, really bad posture and shaking him a little. And if it turns into an invitation to lean into him like Ryuji gave him, then he doesn't mention it cuz he has more air to clear. ]
So, y'know. Go. Be free. Have all the awkward gay feels you want to and complain about beard burn cuz that shit sucks.
I'll still be here. And, you know. Come to me if you're having problems and I'll break his legs, no sweat.
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Because Ren's right. At the root of it, he did earnestly believe that the bad things that came were of his own rock to bear, and that's just how he's always been. It's not exactly healthy, either.
He just wanted to make things right, by the both of them. And so, the only response that he really has to all of this is---]
Okay.
[He was listening to everything you said, Ren, it'll just take a little (lot) of time to unpack, because he doesn't bring this shit up often enough to know how to respond on the fly to it. His lips curve into an upward bend, a small smile that creeps up one side of his face.
Ryuji holds out his fist for a bump, because actions are always and have always been more important than words for him, as dumb and symbolic as the gesture was. And god, gay feelings. Does he have to talk about them like that?]
But, uh. What the eff is beard burn?
[Also, please don't go breaking legs just yet, dude.]
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He'd started as nearly mute pebbles at a precarious peak and this is how an avalanche happens. He's not sorry, god he's so not because a simple "okay" is basically what he discovered he'd wanted as he gained momentum and realized too late that this was going somewhere and they'd have to deal. "Okay" he can work with.
There's a tiny part of him that still wants Ryuji to love him back the way he wants to be, but that's vastly overshadowed by Ren wanting Ryuji to love his damn self and feel like he could own it. So yeah man, fistbump, cuz it's not like Ryuji's in it alone on this long ass journey.
And yep they have to talk about gay feelings like that, sorry he doesn't write the rules. ]
I could tell you about my first boyfriend or you can find out with your kawaii crushu~, depending on what time he gets his five o'clock shadow.
[ Please take the bait. ]
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Ren had a boyfriend?
Now, don't get him wrong, he's been pretty cagey about the whole thing himself, but he would've thought that maybe it might've come up once or twice, like, ever- but then again, it wasn't really owed to him to know that sort of stuff. Was it in his past? Was he dating someone in Tokyo? He wants those juicy deets.]
Uhh...
[On second thought, maybe not?
Ryuji's perfectly fine living in the land of perpetually finding it impossible to grow facial hair. And whereas he's Asian and his doki interest isn't... does that mean this is something he might? Have to deal with? One day.
Uhhh, indeed.]
Five... o'clock shadow? Dude, beards are cool and all, but what the hell are you goin' on about.
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He knows they're both Japanese and therefore scraggly beards are the end all, but come on man, has he never seen an American action movie in his life? Did not Sylvester Stallone's stronk chin look like you could strike a match off it?
Ren's brows narrow in a real seriously? expression. Then his free hand finds his own cheek, gaze gone inward in brief thought. Yeah he kinda let his personal grooming go a bit over hell week? It takes a LOT for guys like them to get peach fuzz, let alone some serious darkness going, but maybe...
Yeah fuck it. The arm over Ryuji's shoulders shifts and a hand smooshes Ryuji's cheek into the broadside of Ren's where he rubs about a week and change's growth up and down like a particularly trolly cat, smirking the whole time.
That's what you might have to look forward to, man. ]
no subject
What are you.
Why is he getting closer.
Why is he pulling him in?
What's going---
ON????
WHY IS HE LIKE THIS.]
ACK. AH, REN. GODDAMNIT, WHAT THE FUCK.
[Congrats, you got a rare fuck out of him.]
THAT FEELS HORRIBLE.
[He immediately tries to push at his chest, to get him off of him. This is what Lisa's tongue must feel like against his cheek, and it's not the life he was thinking that would be relevant to him any time soon.]
Dude, when did you get the willpower to even grow that shit!? [Ryuji's still a little bit behind in the development stages of Becoming a Man (tm), so he can't really commiserate with Ren's subtle growth.]
Shit, is that what your boyfriend used to do you?!
[Reconsiders this whole relationship thing.]
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But Ren? Ren's cackling and releases Ryuji fast enough, pressing a fist up to his mouth to contain the pure evil within. ]
Dude, you don't need willpower, you need a complete void of it while The Bee Gees scrape out the rest of your will to live, too.
But nah, not really. Well I say "boyfriend" but we were more, uh. Casual than that?
[ God, Ren hasn't thought about him for over a year, probably going on two on the scoreboard. A wry smile turns his mouth lopsided, scratching the back of his head like he needed the help shaking details loose, that's how much of an impact this guy has on who Ren is now. ]
I crushed on him hard in middle school and sorta followed him around like a puppy. He hit a growth spurt before the rest of us and he was really good looking, you know? I got to stick around but I don't think he liked me too much. You don't have to like people when they like you just fine for not even doing anything, right.
And then it's a small town, so of course we go to the same high school. And we sort of - got together. [ Is he using a lot of qualifiers? Shrug. ] He wouldn't let me sit with him and his friends at lunch. Or walk with me or anything, but we made out a lot and, uh. Other stuff. I don't think he told anyone.
[ Again, shrug. ]
I guess I didn't either. So, uh - yeah you just have to watch for The Burn when you feel like you're, y'know, gonna kiss 'em, kay?
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Ugh... it's gonna takes weeks for me to ever wanna listen to anything at this rate.
[Spice Girls are on the perma-ban list. He looks down at his smartwatch, half considering just... uninstalling his mp3 library. Except, really, that would be shooting himself in the foot and acting rash without really figuring out the long term benefits of music and chill. Listen, Webflix isn't a thing up here.]
Yeah, man. I dunno about small town life but it seems kinda like you gotta do that sorta thing if you have a pretty non-conformin' type of relationship deal going on. But... screw that.
[Ryuji's not about to start organizing pride parades or anything here- he's still coming to terms with coming out to begin with, but... he could totally see why dating someone you couldn't even hold hands with in public is just. Not fun? Bad?
There were so many toxic things from their own world that could be shed up here, on the station. No society to tell them what to do or not do. No adults to reinforce pressure on acting the "right" way. From that perspective, Ren and Ryuji could both just... figure out anything they wanted to about themselves. Have chances where they might not have back home.
He smiles supportively and drapes an arm over him.]
Hey man. You're still gonna sit with me at lunch, right?
[You better fucking believe it.]
E---eh!? Whoa, dude, you're jumpin' the gun here. I haven't even thought about tellin' him how I feel. Kissing is like. I.
[WHELP, flustered is a good color for Ryuji.]
That sorta stuff is too much!!
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As long as you're good with still rooming with someone that thinks you're ~*~totally dreamy~*~ then sure, lunch? Total bro affair.
And yeah, well. Now that you found a new and shiny thing you'll get excited for it, so don't worry 'bout that. Guess just don't do it like me and it'll be fine.
[ Take a wink and pay no attention to the sad man behind the curtain.
But Ren's fucked up because he doesn't have a follow up to that right away so here he is caught with his foot in the beat between thought and action, admiring his valiant attempt at being encouraging amidst dejection like a basketball player admires the arc of their throw toward the net and it hasn't quite swished yet.
And Ren's always been guilty of enjoying when Ryuji's hand is bumped off the genki boy mask and he's adorably overloaded til he gets his cool back. Ostensibly what Ren said should've helped and soon enough it'll abate, and because Ren hid it before it'd be the right thing to do to hide it now.
But his foot's caught, and for a few moments he forgets to not be selfish and just... looks. With his heart right there in his eyes and tugging up half his mouth, and it's no secret between them that he's the only one Ren'd unburden himself of the leader mantle in front of. Crush or no that's their relationship: built on absolute trust, letting them dispense with pretenses of being strong or clever or blindingly loyal and taking it as a baseline for other things they need to chew on and work out aloud.
It's too late to trust Ryuji with not breaking his heart, but he instinctively has put himself into the palm of Ryuji's hands with what remains anyway. That it won't go away, but even as the light returns to Ren's eyes and he realizes he's what he's doing, he knows he'll be able to live with it and try not to have expectations beyond that.
Ren blinks, turns away, and clears his throat as he starts climbing back to his feet to shake off Ryuji's arm. ]
Y'know, I'm kinda not feeling it anymore? Wanna cut right to lunch and try again after?
[ Ren's already turned around though and offered his hand. ]
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What the...
[He doesn't know why the words "new and shiny" really fucking bother him, like he didn't vomit up how he felt to Ren enough times over the course of their friendship over the last year to make it stick... or something. So before he gets to dismissing the entire affair and offering to grab some grub, he pauses, looks over and does the deed of reminding him of something that's so incredibly important to him, on Earth as it is in Space Heaven.]
You know what we got isn't some fashion fad, right, dude? Like you said that, and I know you're jokin', 'cause you're hash-tag Joker. But no matter what happens, don't go forgetting what I told ya. My place is next to you.
And no one's gonna replace that.
[He'll say it again and again until he's blue in the face, because it's a cornerstone. Take that cornerstone out and the house tumbles.
But with the reminder out there in the open, he sighs, and nods.]
Yeah, let's go eat. All this talk is makin' me hungry for some meat.
(no subject)