[He knows Hajime isn't cool, so that attempt at resignation kind of goes... stepped on... sorry, dude. He still thinks you're the bee's knees, though, so there's that. Tightening on his pinky promise, he shakes their hands as a formal agreement forms. Oblivious, as usual, to anything about his past or how he felt prior to this moment with anyone else. What's right here, right now- that's what matters.]
Cool.
[Letting go, he lounges back and looks out the paneling again.]
[Wow maybe he's cool when no one is watching. He's not, but he could be!!]
...
[He sighs quietly, tucking his hand behind his head again and staring up at the stars, and doesn't say anything at all for a long few seconds. Then, finally,]
I keep thinking about that woman Akechi found. Rogue.
[The dead one who's not dead anymore.]
That's stupid, right? I mean, she's fine now, somehow.
[He bites the inside of his cheek. The mention of Akechi and allusion to a dead body flags itself in his head, like it did when the detective prince had texted them about it. It's still... too soon, for a lot of things. A lot of unresolved things that he was working through. It's time, isn't it? Ryuji promised to talk about stuff that wasn't bullshit when they were together here.
His eyes open, his eyelids slowly droop downward. He doesn't know how to answer that. A dead person, reborn. He imagined that it was the station doing all the work here, refusing to let them die. There's tightness inside him- tightness that forms because of a conversation he's had with Akechi about suicide. The image of Rogue's dead body still fresh in the reaches of his vision, not dulled by the passing of a few days. The way he thought Dave was going to die when he was paralyzed and couldn't breathe. The fear that Naoya would in the same way.
And the utter, complete ineptitude at being to prevent any of that. Any of those things.]
It's not stupid.
It's just about the only thing I can think about lately.
[He had been there- helped Akechi. So fucking scared out of his wits that everything else didn't seem to matter at the moment.]
I close my eyes and I see her. You ever see a drowned body before?
[With any luck, he'll never see another one again!! Yeah, right. He'd been in the infirmary when Goro and the others had brought her in, and he'd been there, only able to watch. All the first-aid and other basic skills Alucard had taught him? Worse than useless on a corpse. A corpse taking up a bed in the place where Hajime had been trying desperately to not think about what was going on outside the station.
But Ryuji being one of the ones who'd seen her is why he'd texted him in the first place. That, and it seems a little weird to ask a girl (Erika) over for a sleepover.]
I mean... [he hesitates, lifting a hand and looking up at his empty palm, framed by the stars outside.] I know people who died, but... I've never seen a body up-close. And then to see her talking, asking me if I'm okay... How are we supposed to handle something like that? We're just normal people.
Edited (when ya change one word but forget to change the rest) 2018-06-12 19:57 (UTC)
[Ryuji doesn't have the answer to any of that, actually. Even if he had some special powers, even if he had been inside the minds and hearts of people and changed them from the inside, if "normal" encompasses the left side of the diagram, and "not normal" on the right, the concentric circles of the venn diagram leading to "seen a dead body" didn't really seem to fit when overlapped like that.
But he does know how to cope. He's done it... well, his entire life, for the most part. The advice he has isn't healthy, and he knows it, but it's worth being said anyway.]
You move through it. Compartmentalize what you've seen, accept it to be part of you, and then... kinda quarantine it.
[Sighing, he doesn't really know what else to say. Talk about it? That's what they're doing now. This is new for Ryuji, too.]
I wanna say it gets better, but... I can't say that with any real honesty, so I'm not gonna say it's that way. It just...
[That's his takeaway from that, his lips curving into a frown. It's a simplification -- an oversimplification, even -- but he's familiar with it, at least. It feels strange to put someone's death in the same category as all the things his classmates had said about him.]
It's just... different actually seeing it. When Kuzuryuu was murdered, I never--
[He trails off, shifting to cover his eyes with one of his arms as if that might block out that image, too. He'd only been able to read about it, see the picture in the paper next to a headline that was a blatant lie.]
He knows it's not the healthiest, but it's the only advice he knows how to offer.]
Not much, really. Maybe punch some shit. Scream. Cry if you need to. I'm not really an expert on it either, so I guess... we gotta figure out a way together, huh?
[It was an accident, right? The precautions are now in place- forcing a buddy system, trying to come up with a pool cover. It's not like they're just giving up and saying "oh well, it's over" - but there's not a whole hell of a lot more that they can do to really... do anything about what happened.
God... the swollen face, the color of her skin. The way her eyes looked like they were looking out into nothingness.
What's that saying? Nobody can hear you scream in space?
[It's said wryly, but the attempt at humor just seems to fall flat. God, this is depressing.
And he, a god damn moron, had to bring up Natsumi. He's silent for a moment before adding,] Yeah. Natsumi Kuzuryuu, one of my classmates. The official story was some pervert snuck into the school and murdered her, but...
[He presses his arm more tightly against his eyes. He hasn't spoken about this at all, but even if it's been weeks, he can't forget what happened.]
The Academy just tried to sweep it under the rug. "Reserve Course students are easily replaced. I don't have time to investigate it every time one of one of you dies," he said. The head of security said that!
[His voice is getting a little hoarse, a little loud, as its wont to do when he's getting emotional. It takes a lot for him to get there, usually, but once he does, he's not a quiet boy.
--But. He's aware enough to know that's not what they were talking about at all. Ryuji didn't ask for the whole story. Hajime grits his teeth and just shakes his head.]
[He bunches his fists into tight, spherical structures.]
That goddamn piece of shit.
[It's adults like that... those are the ones who are truly fucking revolting. Ryuji takes Hajime's story to heart- the death of a student is tragic, and for it to be neatly handled like that.
A murder, nonetheless.
It's times like this he wishes he were still a Phantom Thief.]
Bullshit. That's absolutely bullshit. You only say that sorta CRAP if you're tryin' to hide something.
I... I had some suspicions as to who it was. I confronted her -- Satou -- after what happened to Kuzuryuu. She ran off, and... three days later, she was found dead, too.
[He's making a conscious effort to keep his voice low, teeth gritting hard enough that its starting to hurt his jaw.]
I knew Satou had a friend in the Main Course. I just... wanted to ask her some questions, but they threw me out. I couldn't even step foot in the Academy for something like that. Koizumi could visit us in the Reserve Course any time she wanted, but I--
[Fuck. Fuck. He grips the blankets with his free hand and just shakes his head again.]
Seeing what happened to Rogue, I just... I can't stop thinking about how Kuzuryuu must have felt. Even though she wasn't talented, she wanted... more than anything, she just wanted to stand beside her brother. She wouldn't have wanted to die.
[There's no way that there wasn't some deep conspiracy plot that was taking place. He doesn't really understand Reserve Course, but he senses that it had to do something with the talent system that Hajime was intensely entrenched in. It almost makes Ryuji want to point out--
Yeah, you really wanted talent in your home world? Sounds pretty horrible, actually.
But he keeps his mouth shut (surprisingly), out of a respect for Hajime's obvious suffering and tortured thoughts. Ryuji's quiet for a moment, taking in what he had to say. Was this survivor's guilt? Probably not, but he can see how deeply fucked everything was back where Hajime came from.
It's not enough to just say you can't trust adults at a time like this, but... it's true. There's not a doubt in his mind that it wasn't the administration behind that shit. Even his own principal, in his own school, was deeply intertwined with a national political scandal that would see an insane man take the helm of ministry as his own, under the guise of reform and his cult of charisma.
And then, as if it took a little bit of time before he had something to say, Ryuji opens his mouth to talk about Rogue, but nothing seems to want to come out. Repressed feelings, right? That's what Hajime said.
So he just agrees, in the end.]
It's just... so fucked up...
There ain't any other words for it. People are always gonna be corrupt, and it's always the innocent ones that get swept up in it. The ones who can't do anything about their position in life.
I'm uh... I'm sorry, Hajime. You didn't deserve to go through that ordeal either.
[He hums, quietly, dragging his arm away from his eyes and staring back toward the stars as if they'd somehow be able to give him an answer. It's fucked up, it is, but... that's how it is. That's how it's always been. He'd thought he could try to fight against it, argue that even people without talent had lives that mattered.
But they don't.]
What about you, Mr. Protagonist?
[He doesn't look at Ryuji, just keeps his eyes on the stars outside, still waiting for their answer.]
If you could do something to change your position in life, but you... lost everything that was important to you, would you do it?
And by kind of, it seriously gets him by surprise, and he's left laying there, lips slowly starting to part, feeling like this wasn't just an open ended hypothetical, but something deeper. For Hajime, or for Ryuji, he can't really tell. These are the types of inquiries that are meant to define who you are, at the core.
Ryuji looks over, caught in a moment of stasis- weird for someone who's constantly humming with energy and only ever moves forward in the great 25k of life. 15.3 miles. Each one of them equally meted out with some bullshit tests of character... decision points, but in the end, the track only goes the way it knows how.
He clears his throat.]
I lost... my ability to run. When it happened, I thought that... y'know, it's the only thing that ever mattered in life. And when I didn't have purpose, I felt really lost.
[He doesn't say it like he's sad about it, though. Ryuji doesn't let this stuff bring him down just because it's a part of who he is. He doesn't let any one thing define him anymore. Ren... Haru...Ann... Makoto, Yusuke- they all showed him that.]
And it was rough. You know? Like... I had a really bad childhood. I'm not gonna get into that sorta stuff, but it was bad. When you're in it though, you don't think it really is until you suddenly like... wake up one day and everything just hits you at once. Running was kinda my way out of that.
So you're probably thinkin' "oh, of course he'd do anything to change his position, if that were the case. He'd want to run again."
And... I don't.
If it cost me the things that I love... eh, whatever. The people I love. Nah, man. I wouldn't take that deal in a million years. I'm not gonna change who I am just to be miserable in a different setting.
[He's quiet, to let Ryuji have time to think about it, if he has to. To work his way verbally through it. He's not interested in a quick answer, or a joke. Luckily, he doesn't have to put up with playing it off. He just closes his eyes and listens, nodding once. He doesn't know the whole story behind Ryuji's childhood, and he's absolutely not going to pry, but... he'd had an inkling, at least, after their time in the bar. And he already knew that his coach broke his leg.
That Ryuji would still want to live his life the way it is, instead of changing it...]
You really are the protagonist of your own life story, huh?
[It's kind of a weird thing to say, but he means it, glancing to him for a moment before looking up again. He should have expected the question to be turned back on him, and it's almost sad, thinking about hypotheticals when he's already made his choice. Made his choice, then ended up here, instead. After all this time... there's no way the Academy is still considering him a candidate for the Project.]
If it meant I could prove wrong all those people who said people without talent weren't any better than fish crap, I'd do it.
[He holds up a hand, looks at it as if he could physically grab hold of a talent.]
I dunno if I'd say I'm the protag. It's just that... I wanna make a life for myself with my own hands. Not have any regrets. That sorta thing. It's more of an aesthetic than a role.
[Even then, was he really doing that great a job of it to begin with?]
What're you...
[Can Hajime not try to catch shooting stars like it'll give him some super power? Ryuji sighs, exasperated, and moves his arm outward to knock Hajime's out from his philosophical pining.]
You're right. It doesn't matter.
[He's starting to get annoyed, but he can't put his finger on why. Just that it's there. It's always there- anger, and can't stop a few biting words from chastising Hajime by mistake... the bluntness just kind of rolls with him.]
You think havin' some super power would've done something for Rogue? It was the paralysis, the loss of gravity. [God, even saying her name.
He catches himself, holding that into his chest, and feeling... really, really bad about it.]
The world's just. It's messed up. Bad things happen, good things happen. Doesn't matter if you're Ultraman or some bum on the streets. You're doin' what you can here, and there's not a single person on this station that doesn't see you as an equal.
And if they don't, I swear to god I'll kick their ass.
[That's like... his Thing, staring at his hand!! Let him catch a shooting star and wish for a talent, okay? The kind of talent that would have let him go out and help turn the gravity back on, before Rogue drowned. Something to keep the paralysis at bay. If he were a real doctor, and not just a kid playing pretend with first-aid learned from a guy born in the 1400s.
It kind of makes him angry, too, having Ryuji just dismiss it like that. Then again, where Ryuji's from, talent isn't the be-all, end-all. There's no way he could understand.
He drops his hand to the blankets and just sighs, closing his eyes. And regretting that, because talking about Rogue and closing his eyes makes it that much easier to think about the motionless body in the infirmary.]
...Yeah, [he says finally, forcing his eyes open again. He doesn't sound convinced, but he doesn't want to argue. Not tonight.] Maybe.
[He rolls onto his side, then lets out a short laugh.] I don't know how this is supposed to make it easier to sleep, you know.
[If anything, he's just more stressed out after talking about things.]
[Isn't how that's supposed to work, though? Talking about something hard to talk about, letting it stress you out to the point you can't hold it in, and then, little by little, it becomes easier? Ryuji sighs. He never wants to be in a position where seeing a dead body is anything less than absolutely haunting. It should be. It lets him know that he still has a conscience.
But with Hajime... he knows he's being patronized. That he doesn't believe Ryuji or believe in Ryuji when he says that what he's doing... it's enough. Just like he can't go back in time and fix the gravity or the way she died, he can't really take away that pain at feeling so insignificant that any sort of talent would've given him purpose.
[...Even though he's asking, he does as he's told. Maybe this is Ryuji's way of telling him to try to get some sleep? And Ryuji can only sleep facing this way or something.
[God, is this something he's going to end up regret doing? Probably not. At least, he doesn't think he will.
He has some weird views about masculinity and sexuality, so contact with other guys is typically related to dumb things like forehead flicks and the occasional earnest fist bump. It's weird to get any more emotionally invested in that, but... it's Hajime. He'll swallow his pride.]
Close your eyes, and don't make any comments about it, aight?
[On his side, he moves his hand to touch against the flat of Hajime's back, rubbing, up and down, as comfortingly as he can. It's less massaging and more of a rhythmic motion than anything else.
Call him a mama's boy all you want, but when he was upset, and he was a kid, this got him to fall asleep, 9 times out of 10.]
[He makes a bit of a face at Ryuji telling him not to comment on whatever it is -- making snarky commentary is exactly like looking at his hand, it's a crucial part of his character!! -- but stays silent, as requested. At least... for a few seconds.
Is that... his hand on my back?
He can't help it; he arches his back and shies away from the other boy's hand, looking back over his shoulder with confusion and looking slightly weirded out. What is it with Ryuji and Haru and their casual physical contact?! His views on masculinity are... probably not that dissimilar to Ryuji's, and the most affectionate physical contact he's gotten in a long time is something like a handshake, or Ryuji draping over his shoulders, or Haru grabbing his shoulders.
It's weird having anyone try to rub his back, even weirder when it's another boy his age.]
[It's enough to make him recoil his hand like he's just shot a handgun, feeling kind of lost for a moment, and, well... stupid. Trying to keep a neutral expression to hide this weird, rejected feeling, he gives up in his attempt to try and calm Hajime down a little bit.
In retrospect, it was a little much. He smiles back at him sheepishly, swallowing it down, because what else is he supposed to do? He thought it'd help, but, it was probably unwanted.]
Huh? Oh, sorry, man. I didn't think you were a kid or anything... thought it'd help you fall asleep, y'know?
[What he wound up telling Dave earlier felt more self apparent than ever, though- he really does mess everything up he touches. In a literal kind of sense.]
[It just feels patronizing, like Ryuji's looking down on him. It's easier to accuse him of treating him like a kid than it is to ask him just how little he thinks of him.
He's just going to roll onto his back, though, trying not to think about it. It... probably would have felt nice, if he hadn't stopped the other boy. But it was just too far outside his experiences to let it go without some kind of reaction.]
Don't worry about it. That's just the kind of guy you are, huh?
[Friendly, maybe overly-so. Hajime glances sideways, gives him a bit of a crooked smile as if to prove that even if it was kind of -- okay, really -- weird, he's not upset or angry. Just-]
You and Haru both seem pretty laid-back.
[In different ways, maybe, but when it comes to showing affection?? yeah.]
I don't really understand people that well, to be honest.
[It's hard to tell if he's being just particularly harsh on himself as usual, but it's definitely how he perceives himself.]
Up until... a few months ago, I didn't have any friends, really. Haru, even shorter than that. I don't wanna give away the stuff that's hers to tell you about... but. Yeah.
[He sinks into his pillow a little bit more.]
All of my friends... we've been through a lot. And because of the stuff that we had to do to survive... to get by... I guess we just don't care about all that shit society's taught us. Or, even in Haru's case, stuff we've never learned because we were all loners.
[Hajime hums quietly, shifting back over to lay on his side to face him again. He isn't going to interrupt or anything; even he can tell that he's managed to make the other boy feel bad, and that... definitely hadn't been his goal. There's a twinge of guilt that settles, right in the middle of his chest. Maybe he'd been the one who'd overreacted.]
Haru... told me a little. About her father.
[He stops short of calling the guy an asshole, but his opinion is kind of obvious in his tone.
But this isn't about Haru. This is about Ryuji. Hajime props his head up on his hand and shakes it slightly.]
I think you understand people better than you think you do, though. I mean... I kind of wish I could be more like you, you know?
[Ah, fuck. He went and said it, grimacing a little in spite of himself. He hadn't meant to say that with his outside voice. But... the atmosphere just seems right for it, and he presses on.]
I wish I had your confidence to just... reject all that, and still be me in the end.
[Watching him turn on his side to face him again, Ryuji is right where he was a few moments ago, not having changed much other than his hand curled up under the pillow so that he wasn't encouraged to move it or do things out of anxiety- he can never really seem to keep very still.
But hearing him even say Haru's name come out of his mouth, he feels a sense of responsibility that always been intangible, in a way. More than just friendship. They were, after all, thick as thieves.
And then, as if they've reached a mutual level of understanding, his lips pour out a sentence that he probably should never have on his lips to begin with. Chances are, though, that Haru hasn't said anything about this specific thing, and he's going to mess this up.]
Yeah... I mean, guy... was a dick, but he didn't deserve what Akechi did to him.
[And then, finally, he can't take the way Hinata is looking at him as he starts to say that he wishes he were like him. Ryuji seriously doesn't think that he's a very admirable person to want to be like, so he just frowns to himself at that.]
I guess it just kinda comes natural when you give up caring what people want you to be. [He bites the inside of his cheek.] Kinda funny, sometimes I think I want to be more like you. More reserved and thoughtful.
[And then, as if he'd been holding it into his chest, he gives in. Tonight's a night of honesty.]
And not a criminal? There's that, too.
Edited (sorry i shouldn't be tagging this sleepily) 2018-06-15 04:45 (UTC)
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Cool.
[Letting go, he lounges back and looks out the paneling again.]
So... what's going on?
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...
[He sighs quietly, tucking his hand behind his head again and staring up at the stars, and doesn't say anything at all for a long few seconds. Then, finally,]
I keep thinking about that woman Akechi found. Rogue.
[The dead one who's not dead anymore.]
That's stupid, right? I mean, she's fine now, somehow.
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His eyes open, his eyelids slowly droop downward. He doesn't know how to answer that. A dead person, reborn. He imagined that it was the station doing all the work here, refusing to let them die. There's tightness inside him- tightness that forms because of a conversation he's had with Akechi about suicide. The image of Rogue's dead body still fresh in the reaches of his vision, not dulled by the passing of a few days. The way he thought Dave was going to die when he was paralyzed and couldn't breathe. The fear that Naoya would in the same way.
And the utter, complete ineptitude at being to prevent any of that. Any of those things.]
It's not stupid.
It's just about the only thing I can think about lately.
[He had been there- helped Akechi. So fucking scared out of his wits that everything else didn't seem to matter at the moment.]
I close my eyes and I see her. You ever see a drowned body before?
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[With any luck, he'll never see another one again!! Yeah, right. He'd been in the infirmary when Goro and the others had brought her in, and he'd been there, only able to watch. All the first-aid and other basic skills Alucard had taught him? Worse than useless on a corpse. A corpse taking up a bed in the place where Hajime had been trying desperately to not think about what was going on outside the station.
But Ryuji being one of the ones who'd seen her is why he'd texted him in the first place. That, and it seems a little weird to ask a girl (Erika) over for a sleepover.]
I mean... [he hesitates, lifting a hand and looking up at his empty palm, framed by the stars outside.] I know people who died, but... I've never seen a body up-close. And then to see her talking, asking me if I'm okay... How are we supposed to handle something like that? We're just normal people.
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But he does know how to cope. He's done it... well, his entire life, for the most part. The advice he has isn't healthy, and he knows it, but it's worth being said anyway.]
You move through it. Compartmentalize what you've seen, accept it to be part of you, and then... kinda quarantine it.
[Sighing, he doesn't really know what else to say. Talk about it? That's what they're doing now. This is new for Ryuji, too.]
I wanna say it gets better, but... I can't say that with any real honesty, so I'm not gonna say it's that way. It just...
It just is.
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[That's his takeaway from that, his lips curving into a frown. It's a simplification -- an oversimplification, even -- but he's familiar with it, at least. It feels strange to put someone's death in the same category as all the things his classmates had said about him.]
It's just... different actually seeing it. When Kuzuryuu was murdered, I never--
[He trails off, shifting to cover his eyes with one of his arms as if that might block out that image, too. He'd only been able to read about it, see the picture in the paper next to a headline that was a blatant lie.]
...You're right. I mean, what else can we do?
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[Yeah, basically... repress it.
He knows it's not the healthiest, but it's the only advice he knows how to offer.]
Not much, really. Maybe punch some shit. Scream. Cry if you need to. I'm not really an expert on it either, so I guess... we gotta figure out a way together, huh?
[It was an accident, right? The precautions are now in place- forcing a buddy system, trying to come up with a pool cover. It's not like they're just giving up and saying "oh well, it's over" - but there's not a whole hell of a lot more that they can do to really... do anything about what happened.
God... the swollen face, the color of her skin. The way her eyes looked like they were looking out into nothingness.
Ryuji rolls onto his side.]
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[It's said wryly, but the attempt at humor just seems to fall flat. God, this is depressing.
And he, a god damn moron, had to bring up Natsumi. He's silent for a moment before adding,] Yeah. Natsumi Kuzuryuu, one of my classmates. The official story was some pervert snuck into the school and murdered her, but...
[He presses his arm more tightly against his eyes. He hasn't spoken about this at all, but even if it's been weeks, he can't forget what happened.]
The Academy just tried to sweep it under the rug. "Reserve Course students are easily replaced. I don't have time to investigate it every time one of one of you dies," he said. The head of security said that!
[His voice is getting a little hoarse, a little loud, as its wont to do when he's getting emotional. It takes a lot for him to get there, usually, but once he does, he's not a quiet boy.
--But. He's aware enough to know that's not what they were talking about at all. Ryuji didn't ask for the whole story. Hajime grits his teeth and just shakes his head.]
Sorry.
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That goddamn piece of shit.
[It's adults like that... those are the ones who are truly fucking revolting. Ryuji takes Hajime's story to heart- the death of a student is tragic, and for it to be neatly handled like that.
A murder, nonetheless.
It's times like this he wishes he were still a Phantom Thief.]
Bullshit. That's absolutely bullshit. You only say that sorta CRAP if you're tryin' to hide something.
[Speaking from experience, of course.]
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[He's making a conscious effort to keep his voice low, teeth gritting hard enough that its starting to hurt his jaw.]
I knew Satou had a friend in the Main Course. I just... wanted to ask her some questions, but they threw me out. I couldn't even step foot in the Academy for something like that. Koizumi could visit us in the Reserve Course any time she wanted, but I--
[Fuck. Fuck. He grips the blankets with his free hand and just shakes his head again.]
Seeing what happened to Rogue, I just... I can't stop thinking about how Kuzuryuu must have felt. Even though she wasn't talented, she wanted... more than anything, she just wanted to stand beside her brother. She wouldn't have wanted to die.
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[There's no way that there wasn't some deep conspiracy plot that was taking place. He doesn't really understand Reserve Course, but he senses that it had to do something with the talent system that Hajime was intensely entrenched in. It almost makes Ryuji want to point out--
Yeah, you really wanted talent in your home world? Sounds pretty horrible, actually.
But he keeps his mouth shut (surprisingly), out of a respect for Hajime's obvious suffering and tortured thoughts. Ryuji's quiet for a moment, taking in what he had to say. Was this survivor's guilt? Probably not, but he can see how deeply fucked everything was back where Hajime came from.
It's not enough to just say you can't trust adults at a time like this, but... it's true. There's not a doubt in his mind that it wasn't the administration behind that shit. Even his own principal, in his own school, was deeply intertwined with a national political scandal that would see an insane man take the helm of ministry as his own, under the guise of reform and his cult of charisma.
And then, as if it took a little bit of time before he had something to say, Ryuji opens his mouth to talk about Rogue, but nothing seems to want to come out. Repressed feelings, right? That's what Hajime said.
So he just agrees, in the end.]
It's just... so fucked up...
There ain't any other words for it. People are always gonna be corrupt, and it's always the innocent ones that get swept up in it. The ones who can't do anything about their position in life.
I'm uh... I'm sorry, Hajime. You didn't deserve to go through that ordeal either.
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But they don't.]
What about you, Mr. Protagonist?
[He doesn't look at Ryuji, just keeps his eyes on the stars outside, still waiting for their answer.]
If you could do something to change your position in life, but you... lost everything that was important to you, would you do it?
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And by kind of, it seriously gets him by surprise, and he's left laying there, lips slowly starting to part, feeling like this wasn't just an open ended hypothetical, but something deeper. For Hajime, or for Ryuji, he can't really tell. These are the types of inquiries that are meant to define who you are, at the core.
Ryuji looks over, caught in a moment of stasis- weird for someone who's constantly humming with energy and only ever moves forward in the great 25k of life. 15.3 miles. Each one of them equally meted out with some bullshit tests of character... decision points, but in the end, the track only goes the way it knows how.
He clears his throat.]
I lost... my ability to run. When it happened, I thought that... y'know, it's the only thing that ever mattered in life. And when I didn't have purpose, I felt really lost.
[He doesn't say it like he's sad about it, though. Ryuji doesn't let this stuff bring him down just because it's a part of who he is. He doesn't let any one thing define him anymore. Ren... Haru...Ann... Makoto, Yusuke- they all showed him that.]
And it was rough. You know? Like... I had a really bad childhood. I'm not gonna get into that sorta stuff, but it was bad. When you're in it though, you don't think it really is until you suddenly like... wake up one day and everything just hits you at once. Running was kinda my way out of that.
So you're probably thinkin' "oh, of course he'd do anything to change his position, if that were the case. He'd want to run again."
And... I don't.
If it cost me the things that I love... eh, whatever. The people I love. Nah, man. I wouldn't take that deal in a million years. I'm not gonna change who I am just to be miserable in a different setting.
[Yeah.
And that's that.]
You?
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That Ryuji would still want to live his life the way it is, instead of changing it...]
You really are the protagonist of your own life story, huh?
[It's kind of a weird thing to say, but he means it, glancing to him for a moment before looking up again. He should have expected the question to be turned back on him, and it's almost sad, thinking about hypotheticals when he's already made his choice. Made his choice, then ended up here, instead. After all this time... there's no way the Academy is still considering him a candidate for the Project.]
If it meant I could prove wrong all those people who said people without talent weren't any better than fish crap, I'd do it.
[He holds up a hand, looks at it as if he could physically grab hold of a talent.]
But it's not like that matters here.
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[Even then, was he really doing that great a job of it to begin with?]
What're you...
[Can Hajime not try to catch shooting stars like it'll give him some super power? Ryuji sighs, exasperated, and moves his arm outward to knock Hajime's out from his philosophical pining.]
You're right. It doesn't matter.
[He's starting to get annoyed, but he can't put his finger on why. Just that it's there. It's always there- anger, and can't stop a few biting words from chastising Hajime by mistake... the bluntness just kind of rolls with him.]
You think havin' some super power would've done something for Rogue? It was the paralysis, the loss of gravity. [God, even saying her name.
He catches himself, holding that into his chest, and feeling... really, really bad about it.]
The world's just. It's messed up. Bad things happen, good things happen. Doesn't matter if you're Ultraman or some bum on the streets. You're doin' what you can here, and there's not a single person on this station that doesn't see you as an equal.
And if they don't, I swear to god I'll kick their ass.
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[That's like... his Thing, staring at his hand!! Let him catch a shooting star and wish for a talent, okay? The kind of talent that would have let him go out and help turn the gravity back on, before Rogue drowned. Something to keep the paralysis at bay. If he were a real doctor, and not just a kid playing pretend with first-aid learned from a guy born in the 1400s.
It kind of makes him angry, too, having Ryuji just dismiss it like that. Then again, where Ryuji's from, talent isn't the be-all, end-all. There's no way he could understand.
He drops his hand to the blankets and just sighs, closing his eyes. And regretting that, because talking about Rogue and closing his eyes makes it that much easier to think about the motionless body in the infirmary.]
...Yeah, [he says finally, forcing his eyes open again. He doesn't sound convinced, but he doesn't want to argue. Not tonight.] Maybe.
[He rolls onto his side, then lets out a short laugh.] I don't know how this is supposed to make it easier to sleep, you know.
[If anything, he's just more stressed out after talking about things.]
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But with Hajime... he knows he's being patronized. That he doesn't believe Ryuji or believe in Ryuji when he says that what he's doing... it's enough. Just like he can't go back in time and fix the gravity or the way she died, he can't really take away that pain at feeling so insignificant that any sort of talent would've given him purpose.
Ryuji just rolls on his side too, facing Hajime.
What the fuck were they going to do?]
Turn around. Face the other way.
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[...Even though he's asking, he does as he's told. Maybe this is Ryuji's way of telling him to try to get some sleep? And Ryuji can only sleep facing this way or something.
Yeah, that sounds about right.]
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He has some weird views about masculinity and sexuality, so contact with other guys is typically related to dumb things like forehead flicks and the occasional earnest fist bump. It's weird to get any more emotionally invested in that, but... it's Hajime. He'll swallow his pride.]
Close your eyes, and don't make any comments about it, aight?
[On his side, he moves his hand to touch against the flat of Hajime's back, rubbing, up and down, as comfortingly as he can. It's less massaging and more of a rhythmic motion than anything else.
Call him a mama's boy all you want, but when he was upset, and he was a kid, this got him to fall asleep, 9 times out of 10.]
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Is that... his hand on my back?
He can't help it; he arches his back and shies away from the other boy's hand, looking back over his shoulder with confusion and looking slightly weirded out. What is it with Ryuji and Haru and their casual physical contact?! His views on masculinity are... probably not that dissimilar to Ryuji's, and the most affectionate physical contact he's gotten in a long time is something like a handshake, or Ryuji draping over his shoulders, or Haru grabbing his shoulders.
It's weird having anyone try to rub his back, even weirder when it's another boy his age.]
Oi, I'm not a little kid.
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In retrospect, it was a little much. He smiles back at him sheepishly, swallowing it down, because what else is he supposed to do? He thought it'd help, but, it was probably unwanted.]
Huh? Oh, sorry, man. I didn't think you were a kid or anything... thought it'd help you fall asleep, y'know?
[What he wound up telling Dave earlier felt more self apparent than ever, though- he really does mess everything up he touches. In a literal kind of sense.]
Uhh... Yeah! Okay, so bad idea. My baaad.
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He's just going to roll onto his back, though, trying not to think about it. It... probably would have felt nice, if he hadn't stopped the other boy. But it was just too far outside his experiences to let it go without some kind of reaction.]
Don't worry about it. That's just the kind of guy you are, huh?
[Friendly, maybe overly-so. Hajime glances sideways, gives him a bit of a crooked smile as if to prove that even if it was kind of -- okay, really -- weird, he's not upset or angry. Just-]
You and Haru both seem pretty laid-back.
[In different ways, maybe, but when it comes to showing affection?? yeah.]
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I don't really understand people that well, to be honest.
[It's hard to tell if he's being just particularly harsh on himself as usual, but it's definitely how he perceives himself.]
Up until... a few months ago, I didn't have any friends, really. Haru, even shorter than that. I don't wanna give away the stuff that's hers to tell you about... but. Yeah.
[He sinks into his pillow a little bit more.]
All of my friends... we've been through a lot. And because of the stuff that we had to do to survive... to get by... I guess we just don't care about all that shit society's taught us. Or, even in Haru's case, stuff we've never learned because we were all loners.
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Haru... told me a little. About her father.
[He stops short of calling the guy an asshole, but his opinion is kind of obvious in his tone.
But this isn't about Haru. This is about Ryuji. Hajime props his head up on his hand and shakes it slightly.]
I think you understand people better than you think you do, though. I mean... I kind of wish I could be more like you, you know?
[Ah, fuck. He went and said it, grimacing a little in spite of himself. He hadn't meant to say that with his outside voice. But... the atmosphere just seems right for it, and he presses on.]
I wish I had your confidence to just... reject all that, and still be me in the end.
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But hearing him even say Haru's name come out of his mouth, he feels a sense of responsibility that always been intangible, in a way. More than just friendship. They were, after all, thick as thieves.
And then, as if they've reached a mutual level of understanding, his lips pour out a sentence that he probably should never have on his lips to begin with. Chances are, though, that Haru hasn't said anything about this specific thing, and he's going to mess this up.]
Yeah... I mean, guy... was a dick, but he didn't deserve what Akechi did to him.
[And then, finally, he can't take the way Hinata is looking at him as he starts to say that he wishes he were like him. Ryuji seriously doesn't think that he's a very admirable person to want to be like, so he just frowns to himself at that.]
I guess it just kinda comes natural when you give up caring what people want you to be. [He bites the inside of his cheek.] Kinda funny, sometimes I think I want to be more like you. More reserved and thoughtful.
[And then, as if he'd been holding it into his chest, he gives in. Tonight's a night of honesty.]
And not a criminal? There's that, too.
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